Licenses? Who?d Have Thought?

So….after the usual preliminaries, as per normal, the subject of sex raised its head, but this time, in a very unusual way. Jen, one of my friends, has not found good fortune in the driving test. She aced the theory test - well, she would with a brain like hers. But oh dear me…the practical! Seven times! The exception being, the last time, she passed it! 

“I was terrified! It was the same sour-faced arsehole examiner I’d had three times before. I think he fails people on sight - either that or they have a quota. (Since numbers interest me, I looked up the pass rate across every test centre in the country. They are all within one or two percentage points of each other. That is simply impossible unless, of course, there are targets.) I was actually shivering, I was so scared. But I passed! Fucking yay!. When I was driven home (You can’t drive a driving school’s car once you’ve passed your test, since you are no longer a learner and therefore aren’t insured the moment you pass.) I had to change my clothes since I was all sweaty, but (she leans forward) I simply couldn’t believe how wet I was …down there!  Wet, and horny as fuck too! I simply had to….well…you know. 

Cue raucous giggles, cheers, and “Go it, girl!” But it turned out others had gone through a similar experience. One of my friends is, of all things, now a train driver. “There’s supervision during training of course, and loads of written and practical exams, but the day comes when it’s just you and the train”. Carol is 26 and has only just qualified. “They give you a fairly easy route and someone rides along a few times. You have to give a running verbal commentary, and not just on signals. You have to verbally report anything that is or could be a hazard….passing under trees, risk of low adhesion to the rails…..unmanned open crossing ahead, sound the horn and watch for pedestrians/vehicles. increased braking distances, station approaches…absolutely everything, and you have to manage the train as if you were solo. But then, at the main depot, my supe got out and said “Right…you’re on your own now.” I enjoy the running commentary bit….but that very first time taking a train from a main depot to a relatively insignificant branch station and back, well, it doesn’t matter if there’s one passenger or a couple of hundred….you’re still responsible for lives. When we arrived at the branch terminal, I had to spend some alone time in the restroom. So Randy! My first ‘solo’ ended with a ‘solo’” Cue more cheers and slaps on the back. 

“With me, it was the first time I flew an actual 737-800.” Wait, what? A pilot?  “You do loads of solos in smaller stuff of course, but then there’s simulator work…everything from one that’s just a photocopy of the switches and dials in their correct position - you just touch them - to fixed base sims, and then a multi-axis one…..they’re so good they can actually make you airsick…. To the  day. You’re sitting in the right hand seat of a real aircraft flying to a training area. You have to do six landings. There are two other people in the flight deck, and maybe another four students in the cabin waiting for their turn. The training captain makes it clear you are the pilot flying and then says “You have control” you reply with “I have control”.. This is so the cockpit voice recorder can prove who was flying - there’s no confusion. It also makes it easier for the Air Accident Investigation people to know who fucked up….(cue giggles). You fly the approach, land and the training captain immediately takes off again. A so-called touch-and-go. The last two of mine he let me do the take-offs as well…..and that’s where it got me. You pull back on the control yoke which is between your legs anyway…you have a five-point harness on, one strap of which is right where it counts, and you’re hauling this bloody great thing up in the air! I had a few little bumps of turbulence which jiggled the crotch strap nicely too. I passed and was certified as a first officer. When I went to the cabin, and got hugged and cheered. I sat there with my new certificate, but simply had to go to the restroom….and not for a pee! As I was first, I got to see everyone else as they came out. I tell you…each person stared at their certificate (apart from the last one who failed the checkride) and each person made for the restroom afterwards. Somehow, I don’t think any of us had a pee!

I had to phone my super-brainy medical know-all Tig about this. As usual when talking with me, she dropped into her thick Irish brogue liberally peppered with profanity. “Sure, an’ tisn’t it the most natural thing in the world? You get scared, you make yerself feel better!” I then got a loooong lecture on adrenaline and endorphins that made my head spin, but came down to “Never underestimate the power of a good wank. 

So….stress situations and sexual relief….discuss?