Conflicting Feelings

My sister is no longer pregnant.,

She miscarried yesterday. During a daily ultrasound, no heartbeat was detected, and shortly after that it was all over. 

Her boyfriend was with her while she delivered her tiny fetus. 

I saw her this morning. I am deeply, deeply ashamed of myself. All I wanted to do was make love to her. Oh we hugged, of course, and we both cried our eyes out, yet throughout, I felt such a peak of arousal building that I can’t remember feeling anything like it since we first made love to each other. 

We hugged, cried, and I felt her boobs press against mine, my clit was pulsating like crazy and I desperately needed to touch myself..or have Alison touch me. At one point, as I bent awkwardly over her bed in that hug, her hand slipped down my back, purely accidentally, in the tidal wave of emotion, but even so, it produced a wave of wetness into my panties that was so great I began to feel it running down my thighs. Never have I got so wet so quickly, and never was a situation least sexual than this. 

I don’t understand why I should have felt something so inappropriate at the worst possible moment in her life. 

But it got worse. 

Oh we talked of course. Alison was strangely detached. “I think I knew. Something just felt…different. My body felt like it was somehow…..oh dear….it was like that moment when you have to go out but don’t want to. There’s that moment when you just shake yourself, pull on your coat and think ‘let’s get it over with’. It felt like that.”

I sat on a chair holding her hand and every time she squeezed it, I wanted to put it on my boob…or between my legs. 

Oh….

Here’s the worst bit though. Of course she was bleeding. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her….there….somehow to make her feel better? I don’t know, how could it possibly do anything of the sort? Oh we’ve had sex with each other during our periods before…for us it’s no big deal, but how could I possibly feel that it was appropriate now?

The thing is that usually when I get aroused, I get to a plateau very quickly and can stay there with peaks along the way, but this time, there was no plateau. I just kept building and building. I really felt like I was going to orgasm autonomously right there in the chair. 

Eventually, I just had to leave. Yes, I know…I ran away! But not far. Only to the nearest restroom. 

Where I experienced something that has never happened before. I reached up my dress, hooked my thumbs into the sides of my panties, like I’ve done a million times before, but the feeling of the wet crotch of my undies peeling itself off my cunt made me cum and since I was still standing up at the time, the orgasm, way more powerful than anything I have ever felt before was augmented because I was standing up. (Girls, if you’ve never had a cum standing, it’s another world.) 

I totally lost it. I squirted. Fortunately, since I was bending forward at the time, it went into the toilet, and anyway, my knees gave way and I ended up sitting down hard. Even the impact of doing that added to the colossal orgasm tearing my soul apart. 

I hadn’t even touched myself. Not even a little. I sat there, letting the orgasm finish with me, and then sobbed my heart out. I felt cheap. Oh, part of it was sharing my sister’s grief, of course it was, but part of it was…..oh, I don’t know….a deep feeling of shame….guilt…I don’t know. Some of you will have the words, or life experience to explain this….all I know is that I don’t. 

Something told me that I must go back to her, so instead of running for safety at home, I went back and stayed with Ali until visiting hours were over. Mum and dad were visiting in the afternoon, and will take Ali home….after all, medically speaking, she is just having a period now….no need for bed rest in hospital. A nurse will visit her three times a day to make sure she’s ok, and there will be grief counselling. 

I don’t remember driving home. I really don’t remember a thing about it. 

But I do remember falling into Dani’s arms, a total and complete emotional wreck, and sobbed my heart out again. Dani just stood and held me while I ruined her top with a mixture of tears, makeup and snot. Under any other circumstance, hugging her like this would have aroused me, but I think what happened in the hospital has scared me. I felt Dani’s boobs against mine…I even felt her nipples harden. Our tummies and mounds touched, but I felt…sterile….detached. 

I went upstairs, stripped and threw my wet undies in the bin. I didn’t even want to see them again. I was disgusted by them and what had happened….I was…..no, I am disgusted with me.

I curled up in a ball on the bed and drifted off to sleep. Dani woke me at lunchtime with a snack and a hot chocolate. We didn’t say a word, but she just sat with me on my bed and watched me eat. When she took the tray back she paused at the door and said “It’s ok. This too shall pass.”  It’s a quote I’ve heard before, and I think it originated in ancient Persia. 

After lunch I lay there trying to make some sense of what happened to me. Miss Brain, for once, was of absolutely no help whatsoever. She merely shrugged and said, “Fucked if I know,” and promptly went into a humongous sulk. 

Only after I’d had a sleep did I realise that Dani, when she had brought me lunch, had seen me totally naked on my bed. Again, that was something that would normally have excited me, but I lay there thinking about it feeling…numb. 

Well….that’s all I have to say. It’s all I have words for, anyway. I’m sorry that the subject matter is so dark, and I apologies especially to women who might read this who have gone through the unspeakable tragedy of losing a baby.