I was in a relationship for over ten years. We raised her children together. I was unhappy. I didn't really realize it at the time but I was. Part of it was my partner's loss of interest in sex. I felt rejected and internalized that. It was strange because I didn't feel unattractive but I felt undesired by other people. Maybe it was that I wasn't trying to be and I was unavailable and not not looking. I was committed to the relationship even if it was sexually unfulfilling. Cheating simply isn't an option for me, to the extent that I didn't even think about it. Anyway, long story short, the relationship finally ended as amicably as those things can. We are still close. I still see her daughters regularly.
I have been pleasantly surprised that women are attracted to me. I guess I had to get a few one night stands out of my system to figure out that that is definitely not what I want. I needed to know that I could get laid I guess. I was afraid. I guess, looking back, I really didn't think that I would be able to. I still date but I want a relationship and I only really enjoy actual sex in that context.
I have always loved masturbation, my own and other people's. I would call it a fetish. There are so many emotions and dangers involved in intercourse. People engage in sex for so many reasons that are more complicated than just sexual pleasure. Masturbation is just that. A person aroused, giving themselves pleasure and hungering for orgasm. Doing exactly what they want, exactly how they want it. I suppose the natural progression of those feelings is that I want someone to be as turned on by my masturbation as I am by other people's. And to my delight, there are.
One of the best parts of shared masturbation is that I can be wildly turned on by someone who I would not otherwise be physically attracted to. I can enjoy another person's pleasure immensely even when I wouldn't otherwise be attracted to them. It seems strange to me how huge a part of my sexuality this has always been but it just isn't talked about. There is just something so purely sexual about masturbation
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