My Sexual Awakening and Early Memories

Have you ever had to carry something with you, that you wish you could discuss? Yet you realize the issue is simply too big and would have major ramifications, its not easy, trust me. Most days I think to myself, what made me this way, and honestly I wish this issue didn't affect me. I have for years now looked for an outlet. Even in therapy sessions not connected to this, I may add, I couldn't bring this up. I am not sure if this is the outlet as being honest, this does seem to be a site for sexual fantasy, which is fine, but what I want to do this time is to document my real life event. I am not sure if this falls into the guidelines of this site, but I am at a point in my life, I just need to come to terms with the past. This for myself is incredibly personal and I can only hope that, if someone is in a similar scenario, it may help. This has been a lonely journey for me, and I think, it has formulated the failure of my relationships with women. To get to the point my scenario is about my relationship and genuine feelings towards my sister. This isn't fabricated, and I would like to stress, there has been no wrong doing from any party in this scenario. It is more unrequited affection towards a person, who will never see me as anything more than my role as a sibling. If I was to impart some advice before we start, and you're not going to follow this account of the scenario it would be this. Keep the feelings buried, and I would advise if possible you never mention it, the outcome is never going to be positive. It's a horrible place to be as a person, and truly I am very regretful for many of my actions, would i change things now, yes without doubt. As things stand now, we have not spoken for nearly eight years, this was down to a rather trivial family dispute. At first I was really confused by her actions in relation to what had gone on and the fact she was more or less trying to remove me from her and my niece's life, and also my family. After the anger wore off, I realized, it was actually just an easy excuse to cut ties. The knock on effects are also, I lost contact with my niece, we got on great and growing up I was proud uncle. In the later years, I was seeing her develop into a woman and enjoyed our time as a family. Again to clarify nothing unto wards in this relationship, I deplore certain behaviours to minors, and I am not going to say more than that, we all know what is implied and I am sickened by it.  The issue to fill you in was simply I had leant my niece my car whilst I worked overseas, when I got back I asked for it back. I never concluded why she expected to keep the car upon my return, but I was more than pleasant asking for it back, and gave her a few weeks to sort the alternative transport issue out. I didn't think this would be an issue, it was my car, I had even paid the Tax and Mot for her, and all she had to do was insure it. My sister was definitely behind this process, and weeks later my niece informed me she needed to pick up some articles she had left in the car, I said ok and arranged a time, she then text messaged me to say, she wanted my mother to pass them on, as ‘she didn't feel safe around me?’. I never understood this comment, and honestly, it really upset me, I to date dont know the meaning, and concluded, had my sister told her of my feelings that I had mentioned, and she felt unsafe now? I have lost this relationship with my niece now, it saddens me as we will be the last two people in the family, I would imagine when all is said and done. We lost christmas, birthdays and family events, and more than anything , it has made my parents lives very awkward. As above, given the fall out, I would say, somethings are best left unsaid and buried deep inside. Nothing good comes from this affliction, and I wish I had remained quiet. So lets start at the beginning, I grew up in a very working/middle class family, I was very fortunate to have great parents. My environment was very safe, and I was quite innocent in the ways of the world. My parents to this date dont discuss sex, and the house always had locks on doors etc for bathrooms. Once I got to high-school and reflecting back now, I was so childlike in my ways, I had no idea of sex or women, or just the workings of the world really. I am not sad about this as i had a nice childhood,  I was not great at school, I would say i had learning difficulties, which went very much un-noticed until the later years. My parents had good jobs, and I saw little of them, so my grandparents looked after me, maybe they missed a trick being focussed on work and not knowing educationally I was some way behind the rest. Sport was my salvation, and it let me slip under the radar, the school were more than happy to let my sporting prowess cover my lack of learning ability. But I grew up in a nice environment, and I have no real regrets. The early years we lived in a small house, once I was born my parents decided they needed to upsize so we moved to a bigger place, and a better area . My sister Holly, was 11 years older than me, so when we moved she was very much at the last part of her secondary education. I can only recall maybe two of her friends ever coming around over the years. As above we are brother and sister, but different dads, I was informed of this by my grandmother one afternoon, I loved her dearly, but looking back now I am unsure why she took it upon herself to tell me at a young age. This was really for my parents to choose, but she took that decision out of there hands. Holly’s dad had left my mother for another woman some years ago. It left my mother and alone in a house in a rather suspect area of the city. In time she would go on to meet my father and they moved to a different area, married and then i came along. My dad never treated Holly any different, this is testimony to him as a person, her own father I never found over the years I cared for. I remember her one year buying her own birthday presents, and saying he got them her, he didn't , he didn't even remember to send a card. So that was our background to start with. I don't really recall much of the early years, I was fortunate to make some good friends who lived close by so my life was simple. My early memories are of her in this awful school uniform, and this large head of ginger hair and freckles and she was maybe carrying a bit of what we refer to as puppy fat. She studied a lot I remember, and the back bedroom was hers. I cant really recall to much from my primitive years, but in relation to my family and how we act, Holly is quite different. She is quite open with her emotions when she wants to be, she is far more liberal than the rest of us, which must be in her DNA maybe, as its not her environment. The first real awakenings for myself with her were very much in my younger years, I remember them as they are quite vivid memories. Did that make me the way I am, who knows? The first incident I can recall was based around a birthday. I forget which one, but I remember for the year this happened, she bought me a red toy car and some stationary. I remember she brought it to my room as she woke me up quite early. I am sure this was as she had a job, so she would have been maybe 17, 18 maximum. The first memory was very similar scenario, as was the case my mother would have bought me a present for her, wrapped it, I am positive I remember making a birthday card. I recall it was a weekend as I remember hearing my fathers car in the early morning leaving the drive way, he was a keen fisherman and weekend was his time. I woke up not overly early and as i recall my parents room door was open. This was meaning my mother was downstairs and my dad was now out, I made my way down to Holly’s room which was next door. Being of a young age, you dont really have much conception of manners or decorum for entering a room, but i do remember the door room was slightly open. I pushed the door open and I had the present and card in my hand, as  entered the room I remember it was clean and the curtains still closed, but the room had some degree of daylight . I didn't say anything as when I made my way around the door, Holly noticed me, she was lay on her front the cover over her up to her shoulders and arm just outside the covers near the floor. The bed was in the top of the room and as I stood there she looked at me half awake. Having not given a present before or alone I stood with it, she said morning, and I walked over to her. I stopped at the side of the bed with the present and card, she looked at me and said ‘is that for me? Oh wow, thanks’. She put her hand to the floor picking up a half empty glass of water and pushed herself up and took a sip finishing it. I stood there, and she menovered her body to face me to receive the present as she did she wrapped the sheet under her arms like a towel. I gave her the present which she took, and opened, she was really happy I recall, I have no idea the present that is lost on me, but she then placed the card and opened present on the bed. She then leaned over to me and gave me a hug and a kiss and thanked me. She then said she was going back to sleep for a bit and I opted to leave, as I did she moved the present onto the window ledge, i remember the light came into the room from the partly open curtain. As she turned back the duvet slowly lowered as her arms had loosened there grip as she had moved. I watched as the sheet drifted down and as she turned a large and fully shaped boob fully emerged from under the sheet. She didn't react and as she moved herself to the previous position she had been in when I entered the room, pulled the cover as she moved to her right, the left breast not fully out but quite on show. She then wriggled and the cover was over her and she adjusted the pillow. I made my way out of the room, and down for breakfast, I dont recall any stirring emotions or feelings, I think I was more confused really, but the site was very exciting and must have left an impression, as i can still recall it to this day, many years after the event. The next incident was not long after the first one, I cant really recall if it was weeks, or months, but Holly moved out when she was 19, so I was still young and it was before she left. It was around now she had her first real boyfriend, I cant recall details, other than he was called Mike, and he sported a long, almost mullet like hairstyle. I recall a thin mustashe, not overly impressive and maybe, glasses. He was tall and thin, I didn't really like him, just he didn't really seem to engage with anyone but her. As I noted over the years with Holly, she loved men with all her heart, until she didn’t, no half measures. I think by now she was working and obviously dating, how serious it was, I have no idea, he didn't last long, it seemed a theme back then. My second incident occurred one evening, I recall it was summer as the nights were still light. I cant recall if my parents were in the house, or if it was just myself and holly. As memory serves, I had been out playing. Upon getting in nothing really springs to mind out of the ordinary, but I made my way to the toilet. As was the case back then, houses were not as practical as nowadays, and the house lay out meant we had a separate toilet and bathroom. So the toilet really was just for that purpose. Without being to descriptive, I did what I needed to do and made my way out, as is the case with most boys of that age, hygiene was not really a priority. I made my way out and went to head to the stairs to head back downstairs, when I was alerted by a loud voice. I wasn't actually aware anyone was on the bathroom, but it was obviously Holly’s voice that made light of my failure to wash my hands. ‘ Thats disgusting, what have you been told about not washing your hands, get them washed now’. Funny I recall it like it was yesterday, but as mentioned, my background was one that was very sheltered, so when this was said, I had no real reason to question, the scenario that could be ahead given, the way we lived. I turned around and made my way towards the bathroom, back then we had big thick doors, and i recall the handle was brown and quite high. It was a white door as I made my way to it, I waited and leaned my body with my right shoulder into the door to open it. I always struggled opening it, as I entered I recall the window was slightly open, steam met me as the door opened, obviously the water still warm. We had a very run down old bathroom back then, i recall the old green bath tub, that looked tired and a damp brown bath mat on the floor. The shower curtain covered the top half of the bath as I entered, obviously unless she was hiding behind the door, it was apparent she was in the bath. Honestly this didn't even register with me, i would have been around 8 possibly 9 years of age, so my awareness of the situation, was understandably vary unaware of a persons modesty. I made my way to the sink, I always struggled to turn the taps on, i wasn't especially tall, just the taps were some way back from the front of the sink, and the large unit pushed my arms even further away. As I struggled to turn the tap on I rather lazily ran my hand under the minimal tap outlay, I had hardly gone to much effort in turning the water on, very lethargic. It was then I heard a voice ‘ do it properly I can see your just putting your hand under the nozzle’. I reached across and turned the tap, it now was far more powerful, and I ran my hands under it. As i was about to finish a further comment, ‘ use the soap thats what its for’. As i looked around the sink the soap, normally in the dish was not there, I stopped and turned around to address the voice. I turned around to address Holly, I am pretty sure even now it was to come out with some bullish remark about I would but its not there, i didn't get that far. Keeping my hand under the tap I turned to the left, now facing towards the bath I fixed my look right at the top end of the bath. The reply honestly I cannot recall, but she responded so i got something out, but after my brief statement my eyes drifted from her face. She sat part lying on the bath in a lounging pose, her left arm rested on the side of the bath, her right arm lay in the same position but her arm fell over the side of the bath. She told me the soap was on the side of the bath, and as i moved to find it, it was then I was aware of her being naked. My eyes drifted from her face, her hair was wet and she must have already washed it, but my eyes then drifted down, two large boobs confronted me. I didn't even speak, and I have to be honest, i was not even subtle at trying to hide what i was looking at. I got the soap and placed it in the sink, she didn't speak now, but I stayed looking, she looked forwards, almost completely at ease, and maybe even unaware of my gaze. It was the sheer size that stunned me, having seen only part of one, I was now seeing them fully out, the full shape and the large pink nipples just sat there in daylight. I didn't really venture much further down, so I cant comment on anymore, i remember she had a small tummy on her and a large tummy button, but my gaze never left the boobs. I made my way to the towel rack and dried my hands, I even turned fully around and just looked now without a care for her modesty at them as she lay there oblivious. This was definitely my sexual awakening, I dried my hands and put the towel back, I waited just for a few more moments, before leaving, as I left she shouted at me to shut the door. I went back and did, I walked down the corridor to my room feeling a mix of emotions and shut my room. This was my first awareness of an erection as I looked down noticing a change in my nether regions. Nothing more happened but I questioned was this the start of things for me? Did this incident start things off for me, was it the fact that this woman was the first and only real female I was aware of and who I now noticed had something that interested me? As stated, I am going to document the coming years and incidents in further writings, not long after this, Holly moved out, very short lived and ill fated she was back within weeks. This is the start of the journey, next time I will review the coming years.