Sexuality and Masturbation When Your Body and Mind Don't Agree With Who You Are

Hi! Er, I suppose this is my first story here, sooo... permit me to introduce myself a little.

My name is Halie, and I am a transgender woman. I am pansexual and panromantic, I don't really care what's between your legs, what matters most to me is what's in your head. And within my own head, lies a feminine identity. My birth certificate originally said male, and I was given the body of a male, but I am a woman. Now for what I am not: I am not a man, nor a boy, nor a "sissy", "tranny", "shemale", "trap", or any of those fetish/slur terms. I haven't had any surgeries (yet), nor am I taking hormones (yet). The transgender experience is different for every single person, so my story will only be exactly true to me. I hope this will be both insightful and erotic. ----- As I am typing this, I am sitting in my desk chair, with nothing on except my (second) favorite sports bra, which presently holds my B/C size silicon prosthetic breasts. My panties and other clothes were removed a few minutes ago, and tossed to my left, near my closed bedroom door. My left hand is gently, very gently, caressing my body, being careful to avoid the girlcock. "Girlcock". She's attached to the body I inhabit, but my brain says that she shouldn't be there. If I'm in a good mood, she becomes my pussy, my vagina, or some variant of that, but right now, she's the girlcock. My left hand goes to give my girls a gentle squeeze. Despite not being attached to my body in any meaningful way, my brain has graced them with the illusion of sensation. It feels good. Slowly, the girlcock becomes erect, and aches for touch, but I don't give in just yet. This time, both hands massage my breasts, and I wimper a little as my fingers trace around my nipples. Eventually, I take my right hand, and gently position it over my tummy, so that my palm is just above my belly button. I take my middle and ring finger, and place their tips just under the head of the girlcock, and start to move them in small, slow circles. My left hand begins to caress my thigh and upper legs. This continues for a bit, occasionally swapping each hands' role, and I slowly increase the speed and size of the circles.  I feel a cool wetness on the pads of my right middle finger, and remove my hand. My brain is beginning to recognize that I want to get myself off, and I grab my wand out of my desk drawer. She was a gift from my first boyfriend, when I told him that I don't like to be "stroked" in the traditional male way. I set her to a fast, rhythmic tapping pattern, and gently lay her down where my fingers were moments ago. My left hand continues its journey around my body, exploring it, releasing built-up tension in places that need it. My breathing quickens, and I allow a small, feminine moan to escape my lips. My mind begins to wander into a fantasy.  I generally need a good fantasy to masturbate along to, and my brain is always happy to oblige. The theme, location, and partner is always different, sometimes it's a boy between my legs, giving me oral, sometimes it's a girl. Sometimes it's a dildo, a vibrator, a mouth, or any combination of those. This time, it's my boyfriend sitting behind me, and letting me ride him while he massages my tits. I can feel his cock inside my pussy, filling a gaping emptiness I didn't realize was there. These sensations, while being illusionary, are just as important and intense as the real sensation of my wand on my girlcock. I get closer, my breathing quickens further, and my toes begin to curl. My boyfriend flips me over onto my back, and begins to fuck me. I turn my wand higher. I moan again, a little louder this time. I begin to mutter small bits of dirty talk, "oh fuck", "fill my pussy honey", and "use me". He starts fucking me faster, harder. I can hear the slapping of my ass against his hips, and feel each pulse. I'm very close to cumming now, and I speak: "oh baby please, let me cum with your tongue, I want to cum in your mouth!", as I feel myself rapidly approaching an orgasm. I feel his hot breath against my pussy, and I turn my wand up to the highest setting. I manage to get out a quick "oh fuck", as I push over the edge. I thrust my hips into the air as my brain and body both get swept up by my orgasm, my pussy pushing hard against my wand.  My hips slowly return back into my chair, and I begin to leave my fantasy. I turn my wand back down to a low, constant speed, and run it, lightly, over the rest of my body, enjoying the extra sensation and floating on the afterglow that an orgasm gives me. I give one last slight moan, and return my hands, both of them this time, to my keyboard. ----- I'm cleaned up and back in a normal outfit now. White panties, part of a set gifted to me by my mother when I came out many years ago, a white polo, and a teal miniskirt that was a gift from my brother's ex-girlfriend. I don't think many people with male genitalia realize that masturbation and sexuality is every bit a mental thing as it is physical. It's important to explore the body you were given, realize and experiment with how your body responds to touch in different areas, not just your genitals. Spend time with it and make your entire body feel good! Masturbation is extremely special to me, as a trans woman. Though masturbation and exploring my sexuality, I'm allowed to reconnect with my body in ways that I typically cannot. However, this comes with a caviat: In order to have a truly fantastic session, I need to be built-up and in the moment every step of the way. If I get lazy and just stroke up and down, as I sometimes do, the resulting orgasm, while quick, feels empty and lifeless, and I'll often finish feeling emotionally worse than when I started. Another thing - anal. One might imagine that anal is a way to feel a sort of "penis in vagina" sex for me, and while true, it typically doesn't work for me. Other trans folk have had success with it though. I don't enjoy anal very much, and won't usually mess around with it on my own. My boyfriend enjoys giving me anal though, and I'm happy to oblige him. I'm not an unreasonable girlfriend, and I'm more than willing to give my partner what they want! Good lord, this got quite long, didn't it? I hope it was interesting to read, and if anyone has any questions, I'm happy to answer them. Have a good night, - Hailey