Seeing It Happen For Someone Else

Beginnings are delicate times. So much harm can be wrought in those early, innocent/no-so-innocent exploratory times. Sexuality is a by-product of puberty, and puberty comes in varying times and strengths to people. 

Jessica is tall for her age, and already boasts a nice ‘C’ cup, I would say. I can see their pool from my patio, and this summer, I noticed a distinct change in Jessica. She went from one-piece swimming costumes to a bikini, and when her parents were out, she started to wear a different one. Black, very brief and with thong bottoms. 

Even from there she changed. Again, when she knew her parents were out, she began going topless, and in the last few days, now and then, totally naked. 

I remembered how my young body reacted to the flood of hormones coursing through me. I remembered how I went from being a very private person to one who wished to show her body off and wear sexy things. 

No doubt Jessica has been feeling the same feelings. But what about doing something about them? Masturbation isn’t as easy, for some, as one might think. A boy I knew told me that he had these uncontrollable urges to touch his dick, but when he did, he felt this feeling that something was going to happen. While it felt great, he was too scared to see what it was. It took him six months…..SIX MONTHS of almost daily masturbation, and almost daily refusing to let himself finish. Oh there were wet dreams during that time, of course there were, and they were even more embarrassing than anything he was doing to himself. “In the end, I just took myself off somewhere. There are lots of very old, disused farm buildings around the village, and I went into one of those with a small towel, and just….did it. I found out that the feeling was an orgasm and that it ended in ejaculation. And it felt amazing.” 

And for girls? We too get that imminent feeling that something is about to happen. Maybe we’ve heard of girls squirting, or even peeing, and the pre-orgasm feeling does feel very much like needing to pee. Of course, most of us have had ‘the talk’ first and been instructed about feminine cleanliness at all times, blah blah blah. I didn’t get indoctrinated like that. Even so, I was initially wary of allowing myself to cum, only doing it in places where, should the worst happen, were easy to clean up. (Until I discovered the sheer delights of panty wetting of course.)

So, it wasn’t a complete surprise one afternoon to see Jessica in her secret thong bikini standing up and leaning back against their little pump house (where the pool filtration system is) with a hand down her bikini bottoms and the other cupping her boob. She had no idea I could see her and I’m sure she would have been mortified if she caught me watching. Her legs were apart and her knees slightly bent, but her back was pressed hard against the wall. Her eyes were tightly closed and I wondered what she was thinking about. Maybe a cute boy she knows, or maybe nothing at all other than the feelings she was enjoying. She kept speeding up and slowing down until finally, her whole body quivered and spased and it was obvious that she was cumming into her bikini bottoms. The cute thing was when she looked down between her legs as if she expected something to be there on the ground. She also looked at her fingers and slowly licked one of them. 

She’s learning.

I didn’t feel horny. In fact I felt privileged to have witnessed part of Jessica’s sexual emergence. I also realised we must plant something to fill this small gap. Not because I wouldn’t like to see her cum again, I would, more that what Emily and I get up to isn’t for Jessica’s eyes. 

Their pool is far enough away that I could see without being able to see every fine detail, so I suppose if Jessica  saw me masturbating on the patio, or having sex with Emily (or Dani?) then she wouldn’t see that much I guess. Jessica attends a boarding school, so she will be off back to school in a couple of weeks. I can only guess what she might get up to there, but I felt excited for her. Last year, she was just another gawky teenage girl. Unsure of herself, and definitely not sexual in any way imaginable, and now, here she is taking her first steps of self-exploration that will sow the seeds for her discovering what she enjoys and what she will communicate to her partners in the act. 

No, I didn’t feel horny. I didn’t even feel the desire to bring myself off afterwards, it wasn’t that kind of scene if you know what I mean. 

I knew one girl at school who was totally locked down sexually. The Church had, of course literally put the fear of God into her, and her parents were that worse type of Catholic who would deny having sex to produce their daughter if they thought they could get away with it. 

There was a brief time - a matter of only a few weeks one term - when she opened up to me. “My mum tells me off if there’s too much…stuff….in my panties. She thinks I’m playing with myself, or having unclean thoughts, so every day I put toilet paper there so my panties aren’t stained when she sees them.  And I’m only allowed five minutes in the bath or shower….and the door has to be open. Mum will always come in at least once with some excuse like a bundle of towels or some new soap or something. I know she’s only doing it to check up that I’m not.._touching…myself. Oh Anna, I have such strong feelings, you know, down there, and sometimes I feel I’ll just explode if I don’t touch myself, but mum will find out. She says that when I get these feelings I should pray and offer them up. She says they're sinful.” 

How fucked up can you get? I mean, how can you do that to a child? After those few weeks when I tried so hard to make her feel better about herself and less accusatory, she simply closed up and wouldn’t discuss it any more. I guess mum and dad won, but to me, it’s nothing short of child abuse. Have a baby, fine, but one day, that baby will grow up and have sexual feelings of their own. 

So, Jessica….good luck sweetie. There’s a whole big wide world out there to explore, and it’s yours for the taking.