A European healer came to my town a few years ago and I was in dire need of some healing. I'd been through a divorce the previous year which had been a huge betrayal and dented my confidence. I then had somehow managed to get mixed up again with my ex-boyfriend who had had a tendency to bully. He was angry at me for how our relationship had ended and that I had married someone else and for god knows what else! We weren't back together, he was married to someone else now, but he decided to get his own back. He put me through a year of extreme cruelty with harrassing phone calls, emails etc.. I was vulnerable and naïve and stuck in victim mode. I ended up in a mental health clinic.
So, a year on from this episode I was a little more stable and having two lots of therapy (traditional psychiatry and transpersonal.. I thought it was a good marriage of the spiritual and the earthly) but I wanted something more. I had been interested in the teachings of a European mystic and seer and he was coming to the city in America where I lived, on his tour. I made my appointment. I had to make sure I got the last appointment of the day which bothered me a bit as I was sure this man was going to be extremely tired but I had little choice. I had been up north that weekend to spread the ashes of one of my oldest friends who had died suddenly. It was on the Sunday morning that eight of us sat in the boat and dove our hands into his ashes and spread them across his lake. So many summers I had swum up there with him. It was quite an emotional day.
I was dropped off at my mother's place that afternoon and I walked up to the hotel where this man was conducting his healing. As I was walking up the road I saw a guy come jogging towards me. My heart started beating violently. It was my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't believe it. I had not seen him since the day I had been taken to the mental clinic after I had just showed up at his house in complete distress. I was looking casual and understated in my old Gap jeans, and a Gap blue t-shirt which I was happy about. He had always made me feel really self-conscious about my clothes and like I was some tart. I dated him when I was in my early twenties and god help me if I wore lipstick and a mini-skirt!! I remember going out for dinner with him one night. In my mind I was Jane Fonda in 'Barbarella' but he clearly felt he was accompanied by a total whore. I was wearing a brown woollen mini-skirt (from the Gap!), chocolate brown thick tights and brown knee length leather boots. I had a ribbed striped turtle neck (also from the Gap) which was v. retro 70s looking. He grabbed and pulled me to the back of the restaurant where no one could see us. He asked me why I was wearing 'fuck-me boots' and did I not realize that every guy in the restaurant would be staring at me when I walked in in a skirt like that thinking 'Look at the ass on that!'. I didn't know what to say. I had never met a man with opinions like that and never had any man made me feel like I was a tart. Well, he was from a small town and I thought he just had a small town attitude. I don't know. Our relationship was a stormy one.
Seeing him again that day reminded me of the fear that I had always had around him. I was thankful for my dark glasses. I kept my eyes on the road and kept walking. He saw me and briefly hesitated but kept jogging. I let him jog past me. Out of my life. It was a wonderful moment. Goodbye. I have nothing to say to you whatsoever. He had never contacted me to find out how I was or what had happened when I was in the hospital. He had showed his true colors. It was a harsh lesson for me, but a good one.
As I approached the hotel I now knew that something was 'in the air' as that had been the most extraordinary synchronicity and a direct link to my awakening. I was quite nervous and excited about meeting this healer. I'd read all his books and seen his videos. He had had a profound effect on me. I was nervous because I knew I was going to be attracted to him and excited because of what I thought he might be able to teach or show me about myself and my life. It seemed to point to a really healthy beginning of sorts.
As it turned out the meeting was a little disappointing. Yes, I was attracted to him and he was attracted to me but I was really quite put off by the way he went about it. I knew he didn't mean any harm and he acted normal for the most part but there was something about it all which made me uncomfortable and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. By the end I was starting to relax and open up to him a bit more and I was wondering if we were going to have a date and then, I don't know if I was being over sensitive but when I was leaving he asked me if I'd paid which left me feeling really weird!!! Of course I had but .. I really hated him asking me that. Still, don't get me wrong, I did like him and thought that it had been an interesting meeting. Not what I was expecting. He did seem keen to let me know that I was deserving of 'appreciation' and after the shit I'd been through I was grateful for that if nothing else.
He pursued me for a few days and asked me if he could take 'daring' photos of me. Part of me knew that my 'healing' did lie in this direction and I had to trust him and life. I had this dual vision of him which I couldn't quite marry. The angelic, sensitive healer and the lustful, philandering male.... neither of which were probably accurate. Well, my hormones got the better of me. I had my needs and weaknesses and sex was sure top of the list. I am not a promiscuous person but once in a blue moon I can just enjoy someone physically and leave it at that. It has happened to me maybe two or three times in my life. I thought I could continue my 'relationship' with the sensitive healer through his books and meet the lustful male for one night of sex in the flesh. I embraced the lustful female in me and let her out for the night.
Well.... it was an interesting evening that's for sure. It started off hot and passionate. I had never felt that aroused in the presence of another man and I felt incredible. High. I had felt he had given me a very clear green light the last time so I decided to just.. take him. It was quite beautiful at the start but pretty soon I could feel the crossed signals and mistaken impressions flying all over the place. I made what I thought was an innocent comment about it being nice to have a straight man's arms around me and he seemed to think I meant that I had been having non-stop affairs with homosexual men for the past two years!! I wondered if he thought I was a total hoe at that point. He let me know in no uncertain terms that he was bisexual and 'liked it up the ass'. I was like 'whoa... that's fine... I never said you didn't... all I meant was it was nice to feel some passion from a guy who's into women as I've had five years of someone who would really prefer to be elsewhere'. Anyway, it seemed to die for him and I suspected he thought I was using him for sex. Maybe I was? I thought it was a mutual attraction. Two people enjoying each other and the moment. I snapped out of it eventually and I joined him back down on earth. It was better then. We started to relate to each other like people instead of sex-crazed animals.
We slept in my bed and we did end up having a little masturbation fun in the morning. Or, rather, he pleasured me and it was quite wonderful. He was drawing the beast back out of me was and I really wanted him to fuck me. I didn't masturbate him though in return and I regret that. It did feel good to receive and not need to give anything back for once. My own sexual needs had been sidelined for so long, by myself as much as by the people around me that this felt like a gift I was happy to receive. I did feel bad though and I tried to let him know that I cared about him in other, small ways before he left.
I often wonder if he jerked off when he took a shower? I like to think he did. You know, the really weird thing is it never occurred to me to have a shower with him. Did he want that? My ex-husband never let me shower with him. I used to beg him! He didn't like anyone in the bathroom with him and he said he liked and needed his privacy. He used to lock the door when he took a shower!! God, I wish I could revisit that moment... I'd karate kick it down!! Neglect and abuse really does leave a mark. Fuck, why is intimacy so hard to realize?
Still, I guess it all starts with yourself. I am starting to have some real intimacy with me now and it feels good. There's nothing quite like giving yourself a fucking great orgasm and looking at your own pink cheeks in the mirror and saying 'Wow, Andi, that was pretttttty good!'
Thanks for reading.