Young Man's Medical Exam

"Your heart and lungs are fine. You can be proud of your health. Many young men entering college already have issues like high blood pressure. It's about diet. I could just strangle people who promote sugary foods." "Yeah, my parents have been pretty good about diet and stuff." "I see you have a bit of a bruise on your upper arm." "Yeah, I got that in school right before graduation. Messing around." "You're not being bullied by anyone, are you?" "Oh, no, Nothing like that. We were just playing..." "You'd tell your parents, or me, or an adult if there was a problem with anyone, right?" "Yes." "How's your home life? Does anything cause you stress?" "Not really." "Good. I'm glad to hear it." "Now, would you please remove your underpants and stand right here beside the table?" "OK." "While I press my fingers here, please turn your head and cough." "Again, please." "Now turn your head the other way and cough again." "Ok, hop back on the table and lay down." "I'm just going to check for lumps. It's very rare, but sometimes boys get those on their testicles." "Oh, don't be embarrassed. Many boys become erect during this procedure." "Are you intimate with anyone?" "Huh?" "I mean, are you having sex with any girls, or boys?" "No!" "OK, because know about STDs, right?" "Of course, they teach it in school these days." "I know, but I'm required to ask. How about when you masturbate? Is everything working oK?' "Um, what makes you think I masturbate?" "All boys do. I caught my own son masturbating a half-dozen times. Finally he just started doing it openly in front of us, even his sister." "What about her?" "Oh, yes, she masturbated too. Still does. It's perfectly natural. That's another thing I could strangle people for. They make it a big hush-hush deal. Do you know 30 or 40 years ago, some parents tied their babies' arms in cardboard tubes if the kids were found to be innocently touching themselves? There was a Dr. Kellogg, the same guy who invented corn flakes. Well, anyway..." "What about this Dr. Kellogg?" "Oh, you can look him up. He used to medically torture boys who masturbated. Sorry, I'm getting way off topic. So, you're OK when you masturbate?" "Yeah... Well..." "Go ahead, if anything concerns you, you can tell me. I am your doctor after all." "Oh, it's nothing." Silence. "Well..." "Go on, your medical history is entirely safe with me." "I don't think I produce enough sperm." "Why do you think that?" "Well, not very much comes out?" "How much does come out?" "I don't know how to explain it. Some. OK, so it's not as much as I've seen in porn." "It's ok that you've seen porn. I suppose that we should check that you're OK." "Um, no, it's not necessary." "Are you sure?" "So, actually, I am a bit worried about it." "We don't want you going around worried. Worry causes stress and stress is unhealthy. Let's take a look." "Miss Flanders." [yelled laudly "Come in here please. We need a chaperone." "I wouldn't want to be accused of doing anything incorrect." "Isn't she just the receptionist? Not a nurse?" "Yes, but as a witness, she's fine." "Um, OK, but it makes me feel funny." "I understand. - Nancy, pull up a stool and just sit so you can watch and verify that I'm acting professionally." "OK Dr. Evens." "I see you're still erect. That's a good sign for a boy your age. Now, please produce some sperm for us." "Nancy, he expressed concern that his volume of semen may be low." "That's it. Just pretend you're at home, or wherever you masturbate. You can pretend Miss Flanders and I are not here." "Take your time. You're the last patient of the day." "That's it. Very good!" "Ok, young man. You're perfectly healthy. That is a normal volume of ejaculate." "You can put your clothes on, and thank you very much for being a great patient."