Showering with Jesse, Part 6

This is part 6, and the final installment, in a series about my mutual jackoff education by my friend Jesse.  

To quickly recap, we were freshmen in the dorms at a mormon university.  After our first 2 times in the shower, we now had the whole weekend to play since Jesse's roommate had gone home for the weekend, and had already done quite a bit of jerking off and a fair amount of experimenting.  After our last session, we’d been surprised by a knock on the door, which Jesse had deftly handled, and we’d realized in was already 6pm.

We had brought back beef jerky, ritz crackers and can cheese after our early lunch so that we wouldn’t have to go back out, but we both decided we wanted something more substantial, and headed to the further dining hall.  For the first time since I’d know Jesse, our conversation was a little awkward.  The reality of what we had done was setting in for me, and I was definitely feeling some guilt about having tried out blowjobs.  It seemed like Jesse might have felt the same thing, I couldn’t tell so I didn’t bring it up.  During dinner we got back to our regular chatting, nothing consequential, but on the way back to his room, he brought it up.  “So… that last thing we did was just a one time thing, just so we could see what is was like,” he said, almost like it was a question.  “Yeah,” I agreed, “purely educational,” and smirked.  And to lighten the mood further, I added, “which I obviously needed so I could learn it’s actually the opposite of a blow job,” and made a blowing noise.  That made us both laugh.  I wish we talked more in depth about why we felt that way, but I had a habit of using humor to deflect uncomfortable conversations.

We got back to his room and decided we would watch a movie.  We picked Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which was about the only decent movie in his roommate’s collection.  “Mind if get comfortable?” I asked while he was putting the tape in, mostly just to gauge where we were at.  “Would it even matter if I said yes?” he said with a smile, and seeing that things were fine, as I took my clothes off, I said, “The clothes are still coming off, but I would at least be aware that it bothered you.”  He laughed, “So thoughtful,” and took his clothes off, too.   The TV was on his roommate’s desk, and we turned it so we could sit on Jesse’s bed and watch.  Our legs touched occasionally during the movie, but that was it.  I absent-mindedly ran my fingers through my pubes and played with my balls and then noticed Jesse doing the same.  I wouldn’t have said no to some more ball tickling, but decided to just play with my own.

When the movie was over, we sat there still casually playing with ourselves but now paying more attention to what the other was doing.  “One more before we call it a night?” I said, and Jesse responded with a sigh, “Fine,” like it was an imposition.  “Don’t do it for my sake,” I said, laughing.  We each jerked ourselves off, mirroring each other’s actions like we had the night before. I think we were both a little self conscious about being the one to instigate something more, although at one point Jesse put his leg over mine.  We tried to time our cum shots and were within a few seconds of each other, but there wasn’t a lot of cum left to shoot since that was our 4th time that day - just little puddles on our bellies.  We wiped up and went to bed, and I slept much more soundly that night.

Jesse got up before me - I could hear him put some clothes on and leave.  I heard him come back and get back into bed, and turned over, opening my eyes.  I needed to pee, too.  I got up to throw some shorts and a shirt on, and Jesse joked, “Actually going to use the toilet?”   We had thrown the gatorade bottles out yesterday anyway, so there wasn’t another option.  “I think it might be easier,” I said pointing to my boner, and went up the stairs to go.  I really liked being naked, and it was actually really cool to not be embarrassed about having morning wood or to feel like I had to hide it, which I had always been very careful to do with my roommate.  Jesse had obviously seen plenty of my hard dick, but I remember thinking that I wouldn’t be so worried about anyone else seeing it.

When I came back, Jesse was laying on his stomach, the blanket draped over his lower half and his head turned towards the room.  After a good night’s rest, I was fully rejuvenated, my hormones pumping and horny.  The room still smelled pretty heavily of cum and that kind of musky scent.  I got undressed and stood next to the bed, stretching so that my boner was sticking out even more.  I flexed it a few times, making it bounce up and down.  He joked, “Three sets of 10,” so I counted them out.  It looked like Jesse was ever so slightly humping the bed, as he watched me flex my dick.  “What’s next, coach?” I teased, and he simply responded, “Glutes,” smiling.  I pushed his blanket aside and climbed on to his bed, straddling his legs.   I massaged his thighs, moving up towards his butt, but spending more time on the area right underneath the butt at the top of the thigh, which is what I liked best.  I rubbed his butt cheeks and gave his balls a tickle from the back.  Then I lay forward, as if to reach his shoulders, but I only half-heartedly massaged them.  

I had done this yesterday, but my dick had been soft, and now my boner was pressed against the top of his butt.  I started to move my hips, grinding against him, and I felt him doing the same against the bed.    My dick was sliding against his butt and lower back, the base partly wedged in between the tops of his butt cheeks.  I kept at it for a bit, almost fully laying on top of him, only using my knees and elbows on each side of him for a little support so that I could thrust my dick more quickly and with greater force.  “That’s good,” I said softly, thinking that it wouldn’t take much more of this for me to cum.  Jesse said he wanted to try, so we switched positions, and he started grinding his dick against me.  Since he was taller than me, he ended up a little lower on my butt, so his dick was more fully in between my butt cheeks.

“That is good,” Jesse confirmed, speeding up, and now really thrusting.  I could feel his balls rubbing against the bottom of my butt cheeks, and his breathing got heavier. “Not yet,” I said, and pushed myself up to make room to turn over, forcing him to sit up.  I wanted to cum at the same time.  Now he was straddling me, our dicks lined up, and he started stroking them together.  I just laid there, enjoying that for a while, but pushing my hips up to match the rhythm of his stroking.  Then I took a turn moving our dicks side to side in stead of jacking, so that our dick heads rubbed past each other.  That made a lot of precum ooze out, which I rubbed in.  We looked at each other and both exhaled, making faces as if to say, “getting close.”

Jesse leaned forward, putting his arms on either side of my head to support himself, so that our dicks were rubbing together in between our stomachs.  I reached out and started rubbing the tops of this thighs just under his butt cheeks.  I ran my fingers along his butt crack and the area underneath his balls, which was as far as I could reach.  He started thrusting his dick harder against mine, our chests now touching.  I moved my hands up to hold onto his shoulders, to give me leverage to thrust harder, too.  His balls were slapping against mine.  It always seemed to be the balls now that put me over the edge (and has been ever since).  “I’m almost there,” I said, and Jesse nodded that he was too, and so we both thrust our dicks together a few more powerful times until we were both cumming, as we grunted and gasped, almost animalistic sounding.  

Jesse’s cum face looked like he was having a stroke, but I’m sure mine wasn’t any better.  That had been the most intense, and definitely my favorite of the various ways we’d tried.  We kept slowly grinding our dicks together, making the warm cum spread all around between us.  My dick head felt especially sensitive when his rubbed past it now, causing my body to convulse a little each time.  “That might be the best yet,” Jesse said, and I could only nod, trying to take deep breaths and exhale slowly as the waves of my orgasm still subsided. After another minute or two, Jesse said, “It smells like cum in here.”  I laughed, “it already smelled like cum in here, so it’s got to be pretty rank now.”

He said we might need to crack a window, but neither of us moved to get up just yet.  “What time is it?” I asked, and Jesse looked to the clock on his desk, “Almost 10.”  It was Sunday and everyone would have been at church by now (our whole floor was assigned to the same ward/congregation).  We decided to take advantage of that and go shower.  “Probably better do some laundry, too,”  I said, surveying the room.  Jesse sat up, his stomach still shiny with cum, and just rubbed it in even more until it was more or less dry.  I laughed and he did the same to me.  

With everyone gone, we figured we could just use the shower on our floor and just grabbed our towels, not even putting shorts on.  Jesse peeked out the door to make sure no one was there and then went ahead the 10 feet or so to the bathroom door, making sure the coast was clear.  He nodded to me and I followed, going into the shower stall after him.  I just assumed we were going to shower together, but he looked surprised.  I made a quizzical face, not sure what the deal was, but then he smiled.  The weasel was just messing with me.  As he got in the shower, I said, “Good game,” and smacked his butt.  He laughed, saying “MVP,” as he grabbed my arm and raised it overhead.  

We showered, washing each other off, soaping up our deflating dicks, while talking about he plans for the day.  We decided that after we did some laundry, we’d have lunch.  And since we didn’t know exactly when Jesse’s roommate would be returning, that better be the end of our weekend jerk-a-thon.  We lingered longer in the shower, reveling in the final opportunity of the day to be naked together.  After we had rinsed all the soap off, we just stood close together letting the water run over us, our soft dicks sometimes touching.  I don’t know if I have the words to describe it, but in that closeness, that friendly intimacy, I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude for the bond that we had shared.  It had been a sex education for me, for sure, but it was more than that.  I am not the best at expressing my feelings, but I wanted to tell Jesse how much it had meant to me.  Of course, it came out less eloquently (and less gushy sounding), but no less sincere.

“This has been really awesome,” I said. “You really taught me a lot.  I was always embarrassed by my boners and ashamed of jacking off, and you really helped me be comfortable with myself and not worry so much about it.”  Jesse put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.  “That’s what friends are for,” he said, kinda cheesily, but it didn’t matter - it was true and it felt good.  “I might have made you a little too comfortable,” he added, “you’re practically a nudist now.”  We laughed at that, and then I put my hands out to the side, shaking my dick and balls around, yelling, “Freedom!” in a bad Scottish accent.

The End (stop here if you want to end on a high note)

Epilogue

(This is the Where-Are-They-Now part at the end of the movie for those of you interested in what happened after that, but fair warning: it’s sad.)

Jesse and I had one more jerkoff together after that weekend.  It was pretty much a replay of our first time.  As you may have noticed, I have a habit of often making callbacks to things that had been said or done before.  When Jesse came to the shower the following Tuesday, we did the usual joking routine about might as well get in, and I added, “But sorry, I’ve still got morning wood.” This is what he had said to me that first time when I got in and saw the first not-my-own erection I had ever seen.  Jesse was alway quick to play along - he was already hard, so he just covered his dick with his hands and said, “Sorry, I’ve never seen another boner before, and it’s been a while since…” doing an exaggerated impression of me.  “Since you what? Jerked off?” I said, “Relax, we all do it,” playing it up in hammy way.  We put our boners together like we were doing it for the first time and even though we were playing, it did add to the excitement. 

But that was the last time.  On Thursday, Jesse didn’t come to the shower, and when I saw him at class and asked him why he hadn’t walked to class with me, he told me he was working out on Tuesday and Thursday mornings now with his friend, so he was coming straight to class from there.  He was still friendly and didn’t act like it was a big deal, which I really didn’t understand.  I  still thought he might show up one of those days, but within a few weeks, he had a girlfriend.  She was a holy roller type, which in this environment was really saying something, and I almost never saw him outside of class after that.

I stopped going to that class (and ended up with a C- for it - ironic that the class was Anatomy!).  It was immature, but I was hurt.  He had been the instigator and it seemed like he had kind of knowingly made it all happen.  Not that I regretted it, just that I thought we’d shared this bond, and he was acting like we were just casual friends.  In retrospect, I wish I had tried to talk to him, tried to understand.  I don’t know exactly what he might have been dealing with, but I would have been ok being friends and not jackoff buddies.  Maybe it was guilt for him, I don’t know.  Around this time, we were all starting to put in our mission papers, which meant interviews with the bishop and stake president.  He obviously didn’t tell them anything, or else I would have been called in, but maybe he did feel guilty about it.  I really do regret that we never talked about it.

We both left on missions that summer - him to South America, me to Europe.  Missionaries going to foreign missions spent 6 weeks in the training center to learn the language, and we overlapped some time there.  He acted really excited to see me when I ran into him in the cafeteria one day.  I responded cooly, and I think he sensed my reluctance.  He wrote me a letter after he’d left the training center, apologizing although not speaking to anything directly.  I was glad for this and we wrote back and forth a few times, just sharing our mission experiences, but by the second year, our letters petered out, which wasn’t uncommon, and we pretty much lost touch.

I saw him once after our missions.  I had gone to gym with my roommates, and Jesse worked there.  We all caught up for a few minutes and things seemed pretty good, but I think I was still a little hesitant to engage too much, although it didn’t seem like he was especially interested in reconnecting.  At one point, I went to the bathroom, and I saw Jesse come in after me.  For a second, I thought maybe something might happen, but he was just putting fresh towels in the locker room and went back out.  Sadly, I never saw him after that.  

I ended up getting married and moving away, busy with life and work and having 4 kids.  I still had fond memories of our time together and appreciated all it had meant for me.  It really had been an inflection point for me.  In the missionary training center, we’d had communal showers, and I was completely comfortable, and on my mission and later with my roommates, I didn’t worry if someone saw that I had morning wood.  After my experience with Jesse, I had felt less guilt, been more confident and didn’t worry as much as what others thought.  I thought of our jerkoffs from time to time and jerked off to the memory of them.  And even though it hadn’t gone as I wished it had, we had shared a bond.

I ended up getting divorced after 11 years, and I started thinking more about my time with Jesse (probably cause I was jerking off like I was 18 again).   I tried to get in touch with him, and found out from a friend that Jesse had taken his own life about 5 years after our missions.  His family hadn’t shared any details, so I don’t know what it was exactly that he was struggling with.  But it made me realize there had obviously been a lot more going on with him, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe he was struggling with his sexuality, with trying to reconcile it with his religion, with guilt or shame.  Jesse had always seemed so confident, and I was always so focused on my hang-ups and issues, I hadn’t really considered what he might have been going through.  It might have been something else, depression, or likely a combination of things, but whatever it was, it’s heartbreaking.  He was confident, easy-going, charming, and funny, but he wasn’t perfect and he didn’t need to be.  I wish he knew that.

I can’t blame myself - I certainly didn’t have the knowledge, tools or self-awareness to help Jesse.  But I still regret that I hadn’t tried more to reach out to him, to keep in touch, to be his friend. I can’t help but wonder what might have been if things had gone only a little differently.  I wish I (or someone else, anyone else, really) could have been that inflection point for him.  The only thing I can do is try to be more mindful of what others around me are going through, try to be that influence on others that he was for me.  

And I will always fondly remember my good friend, Jesse.