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Remarks on Men and Their Orgasms

Posted by: SoloTouchArchive Author: dooboige Posted on: 04 Jan 2004 1 comments
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Remarks inspired by HappyGirl's recent posting on Men and Their OrgasmsI can't tell you how something or other it is to hear that there are other men in the world who have this issue. I'm 39, and so a little older than the men HappyGirl mentions, but I've been dealing with this problem for a long time. It can cause real difficulties in a relationship, and so I'm glad that she's raised the issue. I'm not sure I've got any advice to give, but I can think outloud about my own experience and hope that helps.There are several things worth saying here. Some of them may apply to HappyGirl's situation, others not. The guy who never came from intercourse and only came otherwise after a week and a half of stimulation may have had his own issues, perhaps a fetish, in the clinical sense of something intrinsically non-sexual that is absolutely necessary for his sexual arousal. But let's leave that sort of thing aside. There are plenty of other things to be said here.First, there is a difference between orgasm and ejaculation, even with men ;-) Men aren't known for being in touch with their bodies, or being able to speak openly if they are. But some men do experience orgasms without ejaculation, maybe just "little" ones, but they may be quite pleasurable anyway. Ever since I was very young, I've had this "problem" that sometimes I'd have these quite pleasurable "little" orgasms, without ejaculating, and would then enter the same kind of refractory phase as with a "big" ejaculatory orgasm. That is, I'd lose my erection and basically lose interest in sex. I can recover more quickly than if I've actually spurted, but it has nonetheless confused every one of my sexual partners, at least at first, and sometimes forever.Second, I am sensitive to both Nonoxynol-9 and latex. I'm not allergic, but I am sensitive or, perhaps, insensitive: They both seem to make my cock numb. I doubt I need to explain what a problem that is. It took me forever to realize this and what was causing it. I can't tell you how disconcerting it is for my penis to be totally numb though fully erect. I could run my nails over it and feel nothing. Anyone whose male partner seems to be having trouble reachihg orgasm may want ot consider this issue. A lot of condoms have Nonoxynol-9 inside them, and non-latex condoms may also be worth a try. (I've also experienced a similar numbness under other circumstances, so there may be some other causes, too, but those are the ones I know.)Third, it is a physiological fact that guys can only ejaculate so many times in a given period. From what I understand, ejaculation seems to depend upon a build-up of fluid in the prostate. Wet dreams are basically a spontaneous emptying of that fluid: That's why boys who masturbate a lot have them less than boys who do not. (I've had one, I say proudly.) Dominatrixes "milk" their male subs for a similar reason. (Google "male milking" if you've not heard of that.) Blue balls is basically caused by an overabundance of this fluid. And so forth. In any event, if there's no fluid in the prostate, then it's going to take a while to build it up again, and it may just not be possible for a guy to ejaculate if he's too low. Obviously, there will be dude-to-dude variations here about how long it takes to fill up between dry spells, and age is a factor. But how often the guy's been ejaculating can't help but be A factor as well. Now I absolutely love to masturbate. (Duh.) But as I've gotten older, I have come to realize that the sad fact is that the older we guys get the less often we can ejaculate. So if I want to ejaculate with my wife, which she very much wants me to do, then I can't wank by myself as much as I used to. Them's the breaks.Fourth, it certainly is to some extent just a matter of the way a guy is how easy it is for him to ejaculate. Penises are incredibly jealous. You think about anything else, and they just don't want to do their thing. Even thinking about how much you love your partner, or how beautiful they seem to you then, can be a distraction, as far as the almighty penis is concerned. Even focusing on how you are trying to give your partner pleasure can be a "distraction".My wife Lee really likes to "come on my cock", as she puts it, to come from intercourse, but it's not easy for her to do. It's actually quite a lot of work on my end. And all that work can make it difficult for me to come myself. That's not a complaint. I'm quite happy to do the work for Lee's pleasure. But there is an effect of that. It's certainly true for me, then, that the more focused I am on Lee's pleasure the more difficult it is for me to ejaculate. But the most important thing to say is that what HappyGirl's current boyfriend has been telling her may just be [i]true[/i]: His sexual satisfaction does not consist in his having an orgasm (let alone ejaculating). I think that it is difficult for men to achieve a level of maturity where they can understand this fact. Our culture is not, as we all know, terribly open about real human sexuality (as opposed to the fake crap you find on TV and on the radio). So there is this image of guys' just wanting to get off and then take a shower. So if HappyGirl's last few partners have learned to dissociate their sexual satisfaction from ejaculation, that probably speaks very well of the kind of man she dates (and so of her). The dissociation of sexual satisfaction and orgasm is much more common among women. To some extent, that may be by cultural necessity, but nonetheless almost all of the women with whom I've had sexual relationships have always reported themselves, at least, as capable of enjoying sex without coming. As I said, I think that is less common with men, largely for cultural reasons, but that is a sad fact. In any event, it is perhaps worth my trying to explain, from a man's point of view, what sexual pleasure is to me and how it can be dissociated from orgasm.I love to have my dick sucked. It feels great, and there's something wonderful about being able to lie back and just enjoy, and so by extension something wonderful about having one's partner allow one to lie back and enjoy. Now don't get me wrong. I love to come from getting sucked. Hell, coming in my partner's mouth is one of my big fantasies. The very thought gets me hard (even at 39). But whether that happens, or whether I come at all, I love to have my dick sucked.I love to fuck. I mean, I just love fucking, quite independently of whether I come from fucking or come at all. It's fun, and it can be incredibly intimate. Getting into a rhythm with your partner is like the best kind of dancing. I totally groove on it. It feels great, and I just love to hear Lee's moans and shouts and see her all worked up, the way only fucking can get her. Usually, she gets off by masturbating while we're fucking, and that combines two of my favorite things: Fucking and watching my beautiful wife play with herself.Lee and I sometimes get into this incredibly slow rhythm when we're fucking. We're hardly moving at all. Even the tiniest movement is intensely pleasurable, and I can feel every little fold of her vagina, even little squeeze and release, voluntary or otherwise. I totally lose track of where my body ends and hers starts. I remember one time actually being surprised to realize that her breasts were hers. If you've never experienced this for yourself, that may sound weird. But if you have, then you know what it's like when two souls dance and your bodies become mere props, so much so that you totally forget you've even got a body. A girlfriend of mine once called this "metaphysical sex". It's a very apt term.Now I'm not opposed to orgasm and ejaculation, but when sex is like that, they're definitely secondary. And even when sex isn't quite that good, ejaculation, and even orgasm, sometimes seems a kind of anti-climax. More often, it's just too much work for me to come from fucking, and so especially if I sense that Lee is getting tired, then I'll just masturbate if I want to come. If she's there with me, holding me, talking to me, or just being with me, then it's still very intimate, and I'm still very satisfied. I'm no less satisfied, in any event, for not having come from intercourse. And sometimes I just don't feel like coming. So I don't. I just save it for later.So when HappyGirl's boyfriend "John" say that he enjoys pleasuring her, and that he enjoys being pleasured by her, and that it doesn't really matter if he comes, then maybe he is just telling the truth. If that's what sexual satisfaction is to him, then I say: Good for him! And good for HappyGirl!