My First Time Wank: The Aftermath

Actually I felt no guilt the first time I masturbated, just this wonderful glow all over my body as I contemplated the white worms of my cum floating on the bathwater. (see my earlier post). The problem came when I felt the urge to do it again and religious teaching kicked in. I was raised Catholic and went to a Catholic high school. My parents gave me the "birds and bees" talk but apart from that sex was never discussed at home. That was not at all untypical for the time. You have to remember that there was no internet and porn ws illegal. Boys of my generation would get off to photos of bare breasts and of stockings and garter belts. Photos of nude women had to have their pubic hair and their slits airbrushed out - I kid you not! My education about permissible sexual behavior all came in the religious education class at school under the 6th and 9th Commandments. The bottom line was that nothing was permissible! Masturbation was a mortal sin which meant that if you did it and died before confessing you were off to hellfire for eternity! On dates you could, maybe, hold a girl's hand, give her a quick kiss on the lips but anything else was verboten. Almost all of us - it was a boys school - discarded most or all of this. It was just a matter of how much, how quickly. But in the meantime I went through a phase where I tried to resist the temptation to do what I thought of back then as sin. It was a futile struggle, lol, but had some interesting results. I can recall laying in bed at night unable to sleep because of the sexual images, limited though they were, parading through my head. The more I tried to expel them, the more insistent they became, of course. My cock would get hard, then I would touch it a little, then stop, then couldn't resist another touch, a little stroke. Then "No! I mustn't." Pull my hand away for a bit until it magically crept back to the source of pleasure. At times this could go on for an hour or more. The result was always the same. I don't think I even once "resisted temptation" despite muttered prayers and ambivalent efforts of willpower. The result was ruined sleep and, in the morning, guilt, though I now believe it was really fear that I might die and go to hell. Subsequently, I found that I felt remarkably guitless about any of my sexual activities. One morning I woke up feeling exhausted with the words of some parayer I had been saying running in a loop that I could not stop around my brain. I just thought "this is ridiculous," and stopped worrying about hell. I thought "this is something I can't resist, so when I feel like it I will do it. I'm not going to wear myself out anymore trying to stop the inevitable." The interesting results of this experience were the way it affected how I masturbated from then on. The 'trying to resist' transformed into 'making it last.' I have rarely had a quick wank. I like to get my cock hard and then play with it to enjoy the different sensations I feel from it. I like to stay aroused and ride the pleasure roller-coaster for an extended time. It all ends with orgasm but there is no rush to get there. And the longer the stimulation the better the climax. The other result was I did a lot of fantasizing before finally cumming and that spilled over also into my later masturbation practice. It went with taking time as I would develop sometimes quite elaborate scenarios in my imagination while I stroked. Both the fantasizing and the time-taking made my subsequent masturbation a much richer experience, and one of true sexual exploration. So I can't say that my guilt/fear phase was completely negative at all. It was what it was and led to unexpected consequences.