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Masturbation Tournament

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Masturbation Tournament Rocked By Doping Scandal

Twentynine Palms, Calif. – NCAA officials have disclosed that members of varsity masturbation squads from twenty two colleges and universities have tested positive for the presence of prohibited agents. The tests, administered at the start of last week’s 2006 Manhander Cup, found traces of prescription medications for combating erectile dysfunction and various numbing creams.

Competitive masturbation, a sport that is growing in popularity, pits athletes against one another in three classes: sprint, marathon and volume. All of the cases under investigation involved marathon masturbators.

“These young men condition themselves to maintain, and stimulate, an erection for extremely long periods of time,” explained Nick LaChance, head coach of the University of Massachusetts Not Minutemen. “You can imagine how the combination of these creams and Viagra, for example, would give athletes an unfair advantage.”

When confronted with results indicating some of his own students had tested positive, Coach LaChance acknowledged that during training some team members may use prohibited substances or devices, but that the University frowns on the practice. “We care about the health of every member of this team,” explained LaChance, “and monkeying around with these drugs isn’t in our play book.”

As the stakes get higher however, many experts believe what had once been an idle passtime will soon become just another cash cow – for everyone except the athletes.

One NCAA official, speaking on condition on anonymity, lamented the situation. “Five, ten years ago, these kids would be practicing diligently and competing in relative obscurity,” he explained, “masturbating for the love of the sport. Now, we’re seeing scouts showing up at high school meets, enticing these Jacks [as competitive masturbators are called] with the promise of scholarships and the dream of turning pro. It’s really sad,” he lamented, “so few will ever make it, but they keep on coming.”

Brian [not his real name], a junior at a large mid-western university, claims he continues to masturbate simply because he enjoys it. “I like the feeling I get when I’m up there on stage working it against the other Jacks,” he explains, “I feel good seeing my father beaming when I break that one hour mark and I love the attention I get from the other kids at school.”

Asked if he had ever used any of the substances under investigation, Brian declined to answer, offering instead to provide a demonstration of his masturbatory prowess. “Look,” he grunted, “I can do it like this for hours. Do you really think I need the drugs?”

The steadiness of his hand – and the determined look on his face – spoke volumes. For this young man pursuing his dream, masturbation was still a labor of love.

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