Hesitation

Amy, my partner, and I have often talked about opening our relationship to someone we both find attractive. It seems there was always something missing, though. In two cases, there was apparent jealousy, which is really strange because neither of us are usually jealous. In several others there were marriages that turned out to grow stronger over time instead of falling apart. Then there was Marie, who lived with us during a difficult period of her life.

I know that Amy loves Marie as much as I do. We have taken care of each other in many ways over the last few years. We have met Marie’s parents and even a boyfriend, virtually, during COVID.  Each of us would do just about anything for the other, but through all of our parties, lazy days just hanging out, and crazy nights with just a few close friends, we have left sex as kind of an open question. 

When Marie lived with us, there was incredible temptation for me to be more than just my usual flirty self. Late nights playing cards in our jams and fuzzy slippers, being verbally naughty, but otherwise containing unspoken desires. I often rubbed myself to hidden delight under the table, the silky feel of my bottoms against my eager love.

She is a beautiful woman, not in the stunning way that Amy is, but through a brightness of being. I imagine that chemical intoxication spoils her beauty, but that I have never seen. After hours of being charming and witty while trying to keep up with her card shark mania, I would retreat to my bathroom and tend to my swollen, teased mess of womanhood.

Amy and I are friends, lovers, co-workers, and instigators of fun. It’s not always easy, though, and we both have plenty of faults. We are adventurous each in our own way, which can lead to tensions. She knew I would masturbate some nights after long and enjoyable stints with Marie. But she was never jealous. Amy knows my needs and we are definitely different when it comes to sex. I display myself to her and she asks to have the lights dimmed. If it would be to everyone’s benefit, I would show myself to Marie and Amy while going down in another turn at cards, displaying my lustful needs while turning over the weakest of hands.

I know that Marie would go to her room at night, those months when she lived with us, and have sex with her long distance boyfriend via duo, skype, or maybe house party. It made me that much more enthralled, wanting to be sexually fulfilled just as she was. But she didn’t know that I was masturbating, too. My relationship, in her mind, was probably something mysterious and overwhelming, erotic in its very nature, unapproachable and complete without her. Yet here I was cumming to her songs, wanting more for Amy, her, and myself. 

And here I am masturbating and trying to write, touching the deepest of what I have to give, wanting more for the women I love and admire the most. I would give anything to have a moment where we could give the same to each other, equal in desire, love and trust.  Bringing myself pleasure in private, hoping someday to give even more to them together. The dreams of Epicurus in modern form, resuscitated for only us to share.

Marie is a secret dream that leads me ever back to Amy. She is more than I deserve and maybe I will never know if she measures up what I imagine. I create moments of desire, as many of us do. You create for yourself, moments full of lust and excitement, propelled forward by the corporeal, but ever cognizant of the elevated place of the mind and what is imagined over what may be gained or lost in the realm of the physical. As much as I would like to move ahead, I am hesitant.

My fingers are free, once I stop writing, to catch up with my mind. I revel in thoughts of sharing myself with Amy this morning, and revel in my mind in thinking of Marie watching us, masturbating herself in the chair near our bed wanting to share herself with us. I can’t wait for her to wake up and hear my dreams.