Feeling Vulnerable

I get up and walk naked to my mirror. I take a long, leisurely look at myself. My small boobs.....oh how excited I was when they started growing, and oh, how dissapointed when they stopped....still an “A” cup, shortly thereafter. But I soon learned their value was in their sensitivity. I have long nipples, and when I’m really horny, like today, my breast ache, but in a pleasurable way.  My gaze travels down, over my flat belly to my hips. Then further down to my pubic mound. Smooth, hairless and I can just see the top of my vagina between my legs. Have I changed that much since puberty? Body-wise, very little I think, facially....perhaps as to be expected....but I do take care of myself, and there aren’t even the beginnings of wrinkles. In fact, I’m quite fresh faced.  Oh but I’m horny this morning! Horny, yet fragile. All girls know this feeling, it comes with a menstruatal cycle. I run a hand lightly over my boobs, and know I need to cum, ah, but how?  Do I want to fuck myself with my vibrator? Or perhaps my vibrator and a dildo inside me? No....oh no....that’s not today. Today is a flashback to puberty, and that first innocent exploration of our bodies all girls experience that transcends into something so much more. Yes, my mind tells me that’s the way to go. I can take a long time for my mind to formulate what I need and I have learned to wait...to be patient. Today, is innocence day.  I open my panty drawer and search among the thongs for ordinary white hi-cuts. Damnit, they’re here someplace. Ah...there! I pull them up slowly and then look at myself again. At the start, I never used to take my panties off to masturbate. I hadn’t made that leap yet...I still needed to be covered. I rub between my legs. My clit is really sensitive, and I feel myself oozing moisture into my clean panties.  My mind flicks back to those days in high school when I would feel myself getting wetter and wetter as the day went on, and loving what the other girls called it. “Wetting up”, “creaming myself” and my favourite “girl cum”. I look deep into my own wide brown eyes. In turn, they show me the epitome of innocence., a girl, standing in her whit panties, exploring herself.  Oh, how I remember those first explorations! My hand, touching myself, daring myself to go further. I slip my hand under the waistband and a finger explores between the moist, slippery folds. I am so wet! I remember then as now, loving my own scent. When I heard a girl talking about licking her fingers after she had “had a good wank”....I heard that expression in England and instantly fell in love with it...I remember the day I tasted myself. I loved that too. And so, I do it again now. First, I get my finger wet...not by pushing it inside yet, but just by letting myself cream on it, then to my nose. That familiar, musky scent, and then into my mouth. How very grown up I felt then.  Back into my panties. My hard sex bean, my clit is fully wired now and sending raw, delicious feelings through me. This time, I allow my finger to find my pee hole. For a nanosecond I consider wetting myself....I love doing that, but not today. So I let it travel down further to.....my vagina...my pussy...my quim....my cunt.  Ohhow many, many times I felt around down there, daring myself to go further each time but being fearful of hurting myself, or even of my doctor finding out. Then (I have very, very slim fingers) that night a finger slipped through the hole in my hymen and deep inside. My hymen is long gone, of course, but my mind replaces it easily. (Instant virginity) and I push a finger inside. I could cum. Right now. But I hold off.... All girls will know that feeling of approaching orgasm for the first time, that feeling of going to pee and trying to fight it. One girl told me that when she had sex, she always felt like she was going to piss herself, and fought it hard. Then one day, she thought “fuck it” and in her words “I deliberately tried to pee on his dick....guess what....I came instead!”  I had that feeling too....so many nights of building, building building, darling myself to go further each time until..l.i chickened out and stopped. Not this time though. I’m almost there.  I allow the feeling to build again stronger and stronger. I look at myself in the mirror and imagine I’m looking at my 14 year old self as if through a hidden camera. Look at her....this time...this time she’s going to do it....dirty slut.  Finally, I do what I did the very first night I had an orgasm. I had heard mom and dad having sex that night, and they had been unusually vocal for them. Dad had been away for three weeks on a business trip and I guess they both needed it. Dirty words had travelled through the wall to my ears, and I loved each one of them. Mom and dad had called each other names, and the following morning, when I had my first cum, I had stood in front of my mirror, just like this, hand in panties, other hand on my left boob, and whispered the dirty words while looking right into my own eyes, a finger buried deep inside myself.  “Slut....fucking bastard.....dirty whore.....fuck me......cunt” The orgasm exploded between my legs. I was to learn later that same night that orgasms feel different standing than lying down. In fact where I am makes a significant difference to how they feel for me.  This morning though, I come strongly into my panties and feel the wetness pour from me. I’ve spread my feet a little and am bending my knees forward with my hips rocking. I see the crotch of my panties darken slightly and then drips form. I really can squirt. Some drips onto the floor while some runs down my inner thigh.  This time, my hand is soaked and I suck it greedily.  No doubt by this time tomorrow, I shall be on my period. Masturbation when I’m on is raunchy, dirty and involves dark fantasies.