As a young Catholic, every week I went to confession on Saturday morning. The priest in the small box was Fr Flynn, a young Irishman with beautiful pale skin and jet-black hair.
This is how it went the first time I realised I had to confess the Sin of Onan.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It is one week since my last confession.” I then confessed all the usual sins – lying, pinching small things, etc.
The evil moment couldn’t be put off any longer. “Father, I didn’t know I had to confess if I touched myself …”
“Where do you touch yourself, my son?” (As if he didn’t know!)
“On my penis, Father.”
“Does anything happen when you do that?”
“What do you mean, Father?” (As if I didn’t know.)
Slightly impatiently, “Does something come out?”
“Yes, father.”
“That is Masturbation. You do need to confess it if you do it.”
“Father, I do it most days, sometimes twice.”
“It may be hard to give up, but you must try, my son. The more you stimulate your sexual equipment the more it will demand your attention and waste your time.”
I could tell the penance was going to be substantial, so that was as far as I dared to go during that confession.
The next week
… “Father, I tried really hard to stop touching myself, but after two days I woke up and something was coming out of my penis, so I used my hand to get the rest out.”
“Don’t do that, my son. If you had just let the excess come out naturally, you would not have sinned. Is there anything else?”
“Father, I’ve also done it with my cousin.”
“That is a bad sin, my child. How did that come about?”
“He caught me doing it.”
“Do you touch each other?”
“Yes, we rub each other’s penises …”
“Do you do it until your semen comes out?”
“Yes, father”
That is a serious sin called incest and your penance will be substantial.”
Apparently, when Tom went to confession and missed out his sexual sins, Father Flynn prompted him. “I think you are not telling me the whole story. I can’t give you absolution unless your confession is complete.” Tom admitted to “touching his dick” and, again after prompting, to touching mine. His penance was not as substantial as mine, as I was regarded as more guilty being older.
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