Bi-Curious/Girl-Curious Masturbation

My sexuality is complex, I know that. Maybe that's why I am here. Straight but bi-curious from experiences I had as a teen ("Bi-curious scenes while masturbating, part 2"). I am also very girl-curious; a part of me craves to know what it would be like to live in a female body, to experience sexual thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions in a woman's body. I masturbated and fucked myself last night while looking at a picture of a very nice hard penis. I started with a photo of a female humping her hand, but found I really wanted to be looking at a bare hard dick as I slowly worked my realistic dildo into my ass. It's been a long time since I used a penis-shaped dildo. I've owned a few but threw them away in a fit of conscience or fear of being found out. It took a lot of time and effort to get it in me last night. More than I remembered. The nicely-flared head pushing through my hole is INTENSE. Once all the way in, there is a sensation that I crave for and almost cannot get enough of. (I think I am addicted to it.) That is the feeling of a hard, fleshy penis (or penis-substitute) all the way up inside me with the tip pressing against my insides. The feelings are strongest when I am sitting on it, on the edge of the bathtub or on a fitness ball, and let my weight drive it deeper. I move on it a little bit and feel the pressure, the release of pressure, the pressure again. It was so over-the-top exciting, I was shivering and shuddering as I felt it all the way up me. It is not always possible to maintain an erection with anal penetration, so it is not so much about being a great masturbation and orgasm experience as it is about being deeply filled and stretched. It was a little frustrating jacking off a half-hard dick, and I never did come. Took a bath after and let the warm water soothe and relax me. Went to bed wondering if I might be awake in the night and decide to finish beating off. I did wake up at 3:00 a.m. and eventually got out of bed, went to the kitchen and had a snack, with no thought of beating off. Then I thought well maybe I would. I went to the upstairs bedroom where I usually masturbate and into the closet where it feels cozy; dimmed the lights and stood by the full-length mirror. I have a nice lean body and rounded ass and love to see myself naked with a hard on. Then on an impulse, I went and brought the dildo from its hiding place and took it in me. This time was easier. I said Oh God, Oh God many times as I felt it deep inside me and beat off. I fantasized about asking a woman who is straddling me with my dick inside her what she is feeling. Orgasm is less defined with anal penetration, probably because all the sensations are so intense, but I felt it building and eventually came. In the dim lighting, it was hard to see if any semen actually came out, but my penis suddenly felt very sensitive to the touch, so I must have come. Despite a less intense orgasm, the physical and emotional release was huge! There is something emotionally freeing that comes from the deep penetration, and I went back to bed wondering if it is anything like the satisfaction and release that a female feels. I would give almost anything to know the female experience fully. Now it is afternoon of the next day and I am getting ready to do it again. I am walking around the house with the dildo between my legs, warming it in my crotch as I get ready. It brings back a memory when this guy and I were masturbating and he stood behind me and put his dick between my legs. I liked feeling the heat and hardness of it in my crotch and the fleshy tip pushing up into my ball sac. I rub my nipples and look at my profile in the full-length mirror, knowing that I secretly have a penis-like object between my crotch and my undies. My skin is hot-flushed and I am trembling with the anticipation! I peel my undies down and see my dick, dripping a lot of precum. With my fingertips, I lift my balls to see the head of my fuck-buddy peeking through. I am going to stop writing now. It's time.