Awakening

My own sexual awakening began when I was quite young. After the bath, getting into my PJs, I would look down and see my penis moving by itself! It would sort of roll over, and I would watch fascinated. Sometimes I would pull the skin of the shaft over the head and the skin of my ball sack over both, and then watch as the package thus formed unrolled itself. Of course, this just meant that my balls were starting to develop, and my penis was starting to get erect spontaneously. I didn’t associate this with sex or girls; it was just a cool thing my body did.

Eventually these phenomena started to develop into feelings of horniness and thoughts of sex. In school, I started showing my erections to other boys. (I went to a parochial religious school where the sexes were segregated. If there had been girls in my class, I would have tried to show them too!) We would all pile into the boys’ bathroom, and I would get hard and show myself. A couple of the other boys did too, giving me my first sight of other boys’ erect cocks.

I vividly remember the moment when I first associated these nascent sexual feelings with women. I was looking at a full-page department store ad in the local paper for panty hose. The ad was illustrated with a drawing of three women, showing just their hips in side view, from about torso to knee, overlapping slightly, and bending slightly forward. Believe it or not, until that moment I had never even noticed that women’s asses looked different from men’s. But in that moment I caught fire! I didn’t tear the page out of the paper, for fear someone might notice. Instead I made a tracing of that picture (home copiers were not even thought of then), and took it to my room to look at in privacy. 

I’ve often thought that being either a tit man or an ass man is something that’s hardwired into us, just like being straight or gay. We don’t choose our orientation, we just discover it. I discovered asses that day, and I’ve been a committed ass man ever since.

Of course I wanted to show my erections to girls too! I made a drawing of the shaft and the head of my erect penis from beneath (instant cameras were not even thought of then), and showed it to the girl next door. I told her I knew the shape of her vagina, since I thought of it as just a negative of my erection. One day I brought her, my sister, and a pair of neighbor sisters into my room. I showed them how I masturbated by fucking two pillows placed next to each other, rubbing my cock in between. (I hadn’t learned to cum yet, but I was trying!) I let them see my erection through my tighty whiteys. The girl next door was bold enough to touch it, exclaiming, “It’s as hard as a pencil!” I also touched her ass through her pants, on the pretext of adjusting the flap of her hip pocket. Who knows what we would have done next, if my mother hadn’t heard us and interrupted us. 

I remember that summer showing my erection to a couple of other boys. I basically tried to seduce them, asking, “Do you know what a boner is?” Once I had their interest I took off my pants and undies and walked around a little. One said, “Gee, it really expands when excited!” 

But I still hadn’t learned to cum! This was long before easy access to porn. I had seen a couple of girly magazines, but no pictures or descriptions of how to masturbate or ejaculate. I knew in theory how sex worked - you put your boner into a girl, sperm somehow came out - but not the “how to” of it.

I was DESPERATE to cum for what seemed like an eternity, but must have been about a year. That summer, when I had an erection, I would pee (I could do that then), and watch the stream arc upward before falling back down. Sometimes I would do this from a height, to make the rise and fall even more dramatic. Once I attached wires to a 6v battery, and applied the ends to my penis. I had learned in school how a current flowed between the positive and negative poles of a battery, and thought maybe I could make something happen that way. I inserted one wire in my pee hole (ouch) and tried various things with the other wire, but nothing happened. Oh well.

Finally one day it happened. I was in the shower, my penis got hard, and I had that familiar feeling of excitement. This time, though, I wondered what would happen if I rubbed it using soap as lube. (Somehow I had never thought of using lube before.) It couldn’t have taken more than ten strokes before the feeling of excitement gave way to something else, something I had never felt before. It was as if an outside force took me over; I felt my penis contract strongly several times. (I don’t know if I ejaculated; if I did, the soap and falling water concealed it.) Immediately afterward I wondered what had just happened. Was this the “orgasm” I had heard of? I don’t know what I expected, but it surely wasn’t this. This was something completely unanticipated.

That night in bed, the old familiar feeling of excitement came back, and I wondered it I could make it happen again. I went to the bathroom, locked the door, dropped my PJs, and stood at the sink. I ran the water, soaped up my hand, and started to rub. I was looking down when my penis started to contract, and this time I saw something shoot about a foot straight out in front of me! I was so shocked that my orgasm stopped cold - the first and only time that has happened to me. I thought it was pee, and made a mental note always to pee before masturbating (I already knew I was going to do this regularly), so it wouldn’t happen again. 

That was the first time I deliberately masturbated to orgasm. (The previous time was an accident.) But because I always masturbated using soap and water, or else in my pants (see below), I was in denial about ejaculating for some time. Nevertheless, from that day on I masturbated daily, sometimes twice a day or more.

The next thing I learned was how to use an electric massager to get off. I was poking around and found my parents’ massager in their closet, along with my dad’s porn stash. He had a book from Sweden called Sex in Marriage, copiously illustrated with photos of a couple having sex in various positions. He also had a pulp paperback called The Preacher’s Wife (unrelated to the novel and movie of many years later). It featured scenes of straight sex, oral sex, double penetration, incest, and bestiality. I was so innocent that I had no idea some of these things were more perverted than others. To me it was all equally dirty and exciting. 

What really got me off in that book were the descriptions of female orgasm. I still remember some of the very words. “The sudden, sharp orgasm amazed Eleanor.” “She came like the burst of a Roman candle.” And I came right along with her.

Using the massager led to my being caught. I got home from school before my younger sister, and that’s when I would masturbate. But the time window was small, and I didn’t always finish before she got home. When she arrived she immediately turned on her TV, and the massager caused interference patterns on her set that really annoyed her. I would start and stop so as to minimize this interference, but one day she stormed downstairs and saw me standing on my toes, back arched, head thrown back, the massager pressed against my sex through my pants, about to cum. She was so shocked that she gasped and fled. Obviously she had not yet discovered masturbation for herself, because she thought what she saw was disgusting and perverted. She threatened to tell my parents, although I don’t think she ever did. But my parents obviously knew; I stole their massager and they stole it back. By that time it had some tell-tale stains on it. 

It was also around this time that I had my first sexual experiences with another boy. M was a bit older and bigger than me (although not where it counts, as I eventually found out). We had been in parochial school together, and moved together to the local junior high school. Soon after I had learned to cum, he came over to my house after school. We were in the kitchen, having a snack. He was sitting at the table, I was standing at the counter, and out of the blue he asked me, “Do you jerk off?” Surprised, I answered yes. He digested this, and then asked, “Does anything come out?” At that point I was still in denial about ejaculating, so I mumbled “That’s kind of a personal question,” and declined to answer. 

But the ice had been broken. M told me he had a collection of girlie magazines - he looked older than his real age, and could buy them for himself. I told him about my own masturbation activities, mentioning my dad’s porn stash and the massager. Soon after this he came over again, and we retreated to the downstairs bedroom that I had turned into my masturbation den. (My parents’ and sister’s bedrooms were upstairs; downstairs I could use the massager and not be heard.) We were looking at magazines, and I showed him the massager. He switched it on and held it in what I considered the “wrong” direction. Instead of holding it parallel to his body, and pressing the side of the head against his sex, as I did, he held it out perpendicular, pressing only the top of the head against himself. After a few seconds he set it aside, and went back to his magazine. I said, “No, like this,” and switching it back on, showed him how I held it. Instantly I passed the point of no return. (I must have been very close already, but being very new at this, was unaware of it.) I quickly switched the massager off and turned away as I started ejaculating in my pants. I tried to pass it off like nothing was happening, even as I continued to cum. M chuckled a bit. To this day, I don’t know if he noticed. But that was my first orgasm in front of another person. 

M and I started getting together regularly and masturbating together. Most often I would sleep over at his place. He had two beds in his room that were at right angles to each other. He lived with his parents, but his father was a truck driver and usually away from home. His older brother was living on his own. His mother went to bed early, and after that we had a clear field. 

At first it was strictly “parallel play.” We would each look at girlie magazines and masturbate, but we didn’t watch each other and didn’t cum in front of each other. Instead, when we each got close, we would announce that we had to leave the room. We would then go to the bathroom and cum. Once M got up when I was still lying on my back naked, and saw my hard cock. “It’s so big!” he exclaimed. (Throughout my life I’ve been told that my cock is a couple of sizes larger than average. It was bigger than his, at any rate, as I was soon to find out.) I often wish that at that point I had ejaculated in front of him. But watching and being watched was not his thing, unfortunately.

Soon, though, M proposed that instead of doing ourselves, we do each other. The appointed night came. M sat in front of me; I kneeled on the floor. He took off his PJ bottoms and leaned back. His hard cock was smaller than mine but inflamed, pointing straight up. He waited with anticipation for me to play with it. My mouth was dry and I was shaking. I wanted more than anything to touch his cock, even to take it in my mouth. (Why not skip the hand job and go right to oral sex?) But somehow I couldn’t. I was too shy. I giggled slightly and said, “I can’t.”

I wish M had taken my hand and placed it on his cock. I wish I had touched it and made him ejaculate. I wish he had cum in my mouth. I wish he had cum in front of me. I wish a million things. But none of them happened. Instead we switched places. I lay down on my back, my hard cock exposed. It was standing clear of my belly and throbbing. He grabbed it in his fist and jerked it, at the same time narrating a fantasy. “She’s getting closer … “ he said. 

But it didn’t feel right. His touch was rough. I touched myself much more gently when I masturbated - still do. Moreover, I didn’t feel any sensuality or affection behind his touch. It felt mechanical. So I stopped him and said, “Actually, I do it better myself.” He said “ok” and turned away, disappointed.

I wish M had stayed and watched me do myself. I wish I had asked him to stay and watch me. I wish I had asked to watch him do himself. I wish a million things. But none of them happened. Still, M was the first human being to touch my sex with the intention of making me cum. The way I see it, that makes him my first lover.

Once after this M was in my bedroom. As usual, we were looking at magazines. I was lying face down, and M was leaning against my hips, masturbating. Soon he announced he had to leave the room. I said to him, “You don’t have to leave.” I turned my head to watch him cum. To my disappointment, he came into a tissue, and I didn’t really see anything. Still, this was the first time I saw another man cum.

I had fantasies of doing more with M, but nothing ever came of them. I even imagined anal sex with him, in both the active and passive roles. Once when I was waiting for him to pick me up and give me a ride (he was older, and got his license first), I was playing with myself and put a condom on my hard cock inside my pants. I thought I would make myself cum in my pants in front of him when I got in the car. But he was a long time coming (pun intended), and I couldn’t hold out. It never happened.

That was about it for M and me. Once I got my license I didn’t need rides from him any more. By that time we were trying to get with girls anyway. But I often think about the things we did together, and fantasize about what might have been.

My next sexual experiences were with girls. More about that later.