Amusing Stories About My Best Friend

Quite often we would walk the 4 miles home from the pub we used to frequent due to having missed the last bus and not enough money to afford a taxi. One night we were just coming up to where one my friends lived when he asked if we would like to come in for a coffee. We all said yes so went to his house. My best friend sat on the settee (sofa) with his girlfriend whilst the rest of us sat on the floor around the record player listening to an album and having our coffees. My friend whose house we were at suddenly looked round and saw that my best friend and his girlfriend weren't on the settee. We had no idea where they were. My other friend went over to the settee and knelt on it to look over the back and exclaimed :

'Bloody hell, they're shagging on the floor!'

With that we left them to it and carried on with our coffees !!

The second story starts in the same pub. One Saturday evening we are in the pub as usual. I am talking to one group of friends whilst my friend is on the other side of the bar chatting to some others. Quite late on a woman comes in who I had never seen there before. We are in our late teens but she looked more like mid to late 20's. She goes to the other side of the bar and at some point joins in the chat with my friend. Eventually I go over to my friend and say to him that he needs to drink up as we have to go in about 10 minutes to catch the last bus or we'll have to walk home. Ten minutes go by and he's still drinking so I go over again and say well it's a walk home then. He says not to worry as this lady says we can stay at her place overnight. She lives in a nearby flat. I feel a bit uncomfortable with this but don't want to walk home alone nor leave my friend so go along with it.

We get back to her flat and she makes coffees for us. I say that I'm tired and would like to get off to sleep so she takes me to a bedroom where there's no bed, just a large mattress on the floor and a large quilt over it. She tells me that this is where all 3 of us are sleeping. Oh my god thought I, what have we let ourselves in for !! As it stands I fall asleep and don't wake up till the next morning. She and my friend are already up and in the kitchen having coffee & toast so I join them. After that we leave to get a bus home. My friend doesn't say anything about what happened & I don't ask. When we get off the bus we go our own ways but arrange to meet at his house at 11.30 to go to the local pub lunchtime.

As we're walking to the pub he suddenly says to me :

'Do you know what she did to me last night ?'

'No idea I say, why what happened ?'

'She went to the fridge and got out a block of lard and smothered my whole body with it. She was squirming around on my body.'

I nearly burst out laughing and said to him :

'How did she do you ? Rare, medium, well done or cremated?'

'It's not funny' he replied !! 'It's just taken me 3 bath loads of water to wash it all off  !!

For those of you who aren't Brit's lard is a solid cooking fat that was used primarily for frying or cooking chips. You had to heat it up to melt & cook with it.  I think you can still get it but most people now use cooking oils.