Amusing Stories

Quite often we would walk the 4 miles home from thepub we used to frequent due to having missed the last bus and not enough moneyto afford a taxi. One night we were just coming up to where one my friendslived when he asked if we would like to come in for a coffee. We all said yesso went to his house. My best friend sat on the settee (sofa) with hisgirlfriend whilst the rest of us sat on the floor around the record playerlistening to an album and having our coffee's. My friend who's house we were atsuddenly looked round and saw that my best friend and his girlfriend weren't onthe settee. We had no idea where they were. My other friend went over to thesettee and knelt on it to look over the back and exclaimed :

'bloody hell, there're shagging on the floor'

With that we left them to it and carried on with ourcoffee's !!

The second story starts in the same pub. OneSaturday evening we are in the pub as usual. I am talking to one group offriends whilst my friend is on the other side of the bar chatting to someothers. Quite late on a woman comes in who I have never seen there before. Weare in our late teens but she looked more like mid to late 20's. She goes tothe other side of the bar and at some point joins in the chat with my friend.Eventually I go over to my friend and say to him that he needs to drink up aswe have to go in about 10 minutes to catch the last bus or we'll have to walkhome. Ten minutes go by and he's still drinking so I go over again and say wellit's a walk home then. He says not to worry as this lady says we can stay ather place overnight. She lives in a nearby flat. I feel a bit uncomfortablewith this but don't want to walk home alone nor leave my friend so go alongwith it.

We get back to her flat and she makes coffees for us.I say that i'm tired and would like to get off to sleep so she takes me to abedroom where there's no bed, just a large mattress on the floor and a largequilt over it. She tells me that this is where all 3 of us are sleeping. Oh mygod thought I, what have we let ourselves in for !! As it stands I fall asleepand don't wake up till the next morning. She and my friend are already up andin the kitchen having coffee & toast so I join them. After that we leave toget a bus home. My friend doesn't say anything about what happened & Idon't ask. When we get off the bus we go our own ways but arrange to meet athis house at 11.30 to go to the local pub lunchtime. As we're walking to thepub he suddenly says to me :

'Do you know what she did to me last night ?'

'No idea I say, why what happened ?'

' She went to the fridge and got out a block of lardand smothered my whole body with it, She was squirming around on my body'

I nearly burst out laughing and said to him :

'How did she do you ? Rare, medium, well done orcremated'

'It's not funny' he replied !! 'It's just taken me 3bath loads of water to wash it all off !!

For those of you who aren't Brits, lard is a solid cookingfat that was used primarily for frying or cooking chips. You had to heat it upto cook with it.  I think you can stillget it but most people now use cooking oils.