I was raised in a strict fundamentalist family. To an almost paranoid, crazy extent. And for no particular reason that I remember, I always felt ashamed after masturbating, even before I knew what it was; I don’t know if someone told me not to “touch there” at a really early age, or if our whole house was just smothered by a cloud of anti-pleasure gas, lol. The guilt continued into my teen years, as I was only permitted Christian friends, and grew up into a nice little brainwashed church-goer (I don't mean to criticize church or Christianity if it gives you peace, but I was not allowed to think and feel for myself and that’s wrong). It was so bad that I used to count the days since my last orgasm, and feel progressively better the further away I got, only to “fall” again and start the cycle all over. As I got older I used to download and collect porn while I was horny, only to delete it again after I was finished...then try to download the same stuff later...or undelete it when I realized that you can do that with certain software. It was an incredible waste of time and energy. I loved masturbation and sex and porn but I hated how it made me feel afterwards, and I could never make up my mind either way.
As an adult, I finally discovered positive sexuality through websites like solotouch, and after I left religion behind, I slowly managed to get rid of the guilt. I never personally felt there was anything wrong with sex or masturbation or orgasms. It just took me almost 25 years to realize I was "allowed" to decide that for myself, rather than it being determined for me by "God" or creepy old pastor-men. It was "our way or the damned-to-hell-way", with no room for what I would like to choose in life. I'm sure there are many many people who have felt the same way. Unfortunately I was particularly slow about realizing I could decide for myself, because I had a bit of a hero complex about being a Christian and one of the "good guys" and my entire sense of self-identity was there, because I was so sheltered and purposefully prevented from finding out there was anything more in life than the never-ending war of Jesus versus dirty sinners.
The guilt and shame is gone now, but for a long time afterwards, my subconscious still tried to poke me with thoughts like, "you had an orgasm last night, does that mean this is a miserable day?" And I had to tell it to shut the fuck up! Happiness is a choice, more so than most people realize, and if you’re constantly focusing on negative thoughts, then your subconscious will respond by making you feel bad, because it blindly thinks that’s what you want. So ultimately, it’s really up to you whether masturbation or anything else makes you feel guilty. Your subconscious takes some time to respond, and repetition enforces the neural paths that shape your subconscious habits, so the longer you’ve been feeling guilty, the longer it may take to overcome that, but if you stick with it, you’ll eventually be able to feel how you want to feel, rather than how you were trained to feel. Another problem is a bit more sticky, in that the energy behind our thoughts can literally get "stuck" at a certain setting that it was when we felt really strongly about something as children, making most attempts to consciously reprogram our brains rather futile, because the blockage is entirely subconscious. That is something you need a good therapist or spiritual mentor to help with, and something that baffled me for years before I recently found the right person to help me.
I also discovered that my generally depressed and drained feeling after masturbating was actually something separate from the guilt/shame. It’s natural to feel drained after ejaculatory sex, particularly for males, who have the disadvantage of spending nutrient-rich semen every time they orgasm, as well as (for both sexes) burning up a boat-load of neurotransmitters (feel-good brain chemicals). But this can be lessened and eventually avoided entirely with a healthy diet and exercise; in general, your sexual power and stamina is correlated directly with your level of physical health. You can also whip your brain into shape (in a nice way) with certain (perfectly legal but possibly obscure) herbs, and certain other positive habits that I will write more about in the coming months. I hadn't been particularly healthy for most of my life, and the majority of my motivation for caring about my health in recent years came from a desire to improve my sex life, particularly in eliminating the orgasm “hangover” that plagued me all my life. I love sex, and I want to enjoy it as much as possible, as often as I please. The "often as I please" is a goal I'm still working towards, but I've come so far in so relatively few years (compared to the amount of years I was drowning in shame and self-imposed addiction) that I have absolutely no doubt I will be a veritable sex god in a few years.
