Our inadequate descriptions of sexuality

[blackboxer500]

Our language is inadequate to describe the complex dimensions of sexuality.

A common example that often appears on forums like this is a post by a guy who says he is straight but still likes a little cock now and then. I’ve read several like that lately. Maybe he just wants to masturbate with other guys, or maybe he wants to touch and be touched, suck, and/or fuck. Often this is put in terms of curiosity, and often the individual admits he doesn’t know if he’d like it or not.

Such an individual often goes to some length to “prove” that he is straight, for example by emphasizing it’s cocks, not guys that he likes; or emphasizing that he could never fall in love with, or even kiss a guy.

Then typically at least one commenter will say “if you like cocks then you’re not straight.” Some of us know exactly what the original poster meant yet we also understand the point of the comment.

It seems to me that the pigeonholes we cajole ourselves and each other into are responsible for this disconnect. As a society we like one and two word descriptions of issues like sexual orientation, but it doesn’t work well in all contexts. True, in many daily conversations these labels are handy and sufficient (“don’t bother fixing him up with your sister; he’s gay”) but in a sex forum that shouldn’t be afraid of nuance, often the labels are not sufficient. I don’t have a suggestion for equally succinct replacement language but I offer for discussion some general sexual dimensions that underscore the issue.

A. Gender. This is straightforward for most of us but consider these subclasses: 1. Biological sex (cisgender) 2. Gender identity (one’s internal sense of gender) 3. Gender expression (how we present ourselves to the world).

B. Orientation. This is the enduring pattern of romantic and/or sexual attraction to others, typically defined in terms of the other person’s gender (with all its complexities). THE PRIMARY PROBLEM HERE appears to me is that for many (most?), our romantic attraction to others is the same as our sexual attraction. But the exceptions create some confusion.

Take the straight guy who likes some cock on the side. His romantic orientation is probably at the straight end of the continuum, but his sexual orientation is not as extreme and perhaps fluctuates. He associates kissing, for example, with romantic love, and he could not seriously fall in love with a guy. But he likes cocks — and really don’t all guys like cocks, even if it’s mainly their own cock that interests them?

So, for social purposes, the guy is straight. He dates women, he marries women, he loves women. As in my example, he feels straight and would flounder if immersed in a gay lifestyle, even though he might like all that cock.

C. Sexual behavior. Sometimes the need to get off leads us to sexual conduct outside all our preferences. Prisons are the standard example. Even though prison populations should contain all the same ambiguities as the non prison population, if given a choice many would never act on same-sex desires, whereas when preferred sex partners aren’t available…

Other potential dimensions to consider: D. Libido (the strength of the desire for sexual release); E. Sexual values and ethics (hopefully our conduct aligns with our values but some people cannot resolve high sex drives with their beliefs); F. Erotic and fantasy (often very different from what the individual would ever do IRL.)

[mash2014]

The first time I had sex with a man I questioned my sexuality. I wanted it and I enjoyed it but I wasn't sure if I was gay or straight. To prove I wasn't gay I had to have sex with as many women as I could. Then came man number 2. I was horny, I wanted to feel a man and I went for it. It was good but with the wrong person. I still kept questioning my sexuality.

One day I met a man and I felt sexually attracted to him. I thought he was very cute and attractive. Unfortunately, nothing happened but I understood that the sexual spectrum allowed me to feel desire and attraction on both sides.

When this happened, I started to recover memories of my pre-adolescence when a man touched me and I felt good; I remembered a classmate who I thought was cute. I knew then that I could feel free to wish to be with a male or female.

Then, one day I was reading a magazine when I saw a term I had never heard before. Heteroflexible. I searched and found that the definition or description of heteroflexibility fit me perfectly. That day I felt so happy that I had finally been able to define myself sexually.

I am hetero but I feel comfortable thinking, fantasizing, masturbating, or having sex with other men. On the street 99.9% of the time I look at women and occasionally I will look at a man. I enjoy reading stories of how other men fantasize or have sex with other men. I do desire to touch and get touched by a man. I am not gay but I don't hide the fact that I have and will enjoy men.