Teaching Myself to Cum
What a great site you have! I think it's great to celebrate something as magnificent as the solo orgasm. I've been masturbating to orgasm for years, but I still enjoyed the personal accounts on your site quite a bit, and may tweak my technique a tad if some of the other women's methods work for me.
To that end, I've enclosed my own personal account, as well as some things that sometimes help me when my mind and body aren't cooperating fully. I know how incredibly frustrating (and humiliating, and embarrassing, and shameful) it can be to be a non-orgasmic woman. I spent so long just not getting what was so great about sex, and sex by yourself. I hope that if you post what I'm sending, it can help other women who are in the rut of frustration to begin exploring and enjoying themselves, and thereby enhancing their entire sense of sexuality.
Please forgive me for offering such an incredibly long account; I realize that the length of it may prohibit your posting it at all.[Webmaster's note: We are posting all of your excellent contribution - and the introductory comments above as well.]****
I was a late bloomer. I didn‚??t begin masturbating until I was in college. Well, I‚??m sure I masturbated when I was a child, but I don‚??t believe I ever touched myself to orgasm, and certainly never with that end in mind. Then, as I got older, I began to attach the stigma society attaches to masturbation to my own activities, and eventually stopped touching myself for pleasure altogether. I began having sex when I was 15. And all that time, between the time I became sexually active and the time I decided to "take matters into my own hands" in college, I never once had an orgasm. Isn‚??t that sad? And I didn‚??t believe that I could overcome my inhibitions and pleasure myself, certainly not in front of anyone else. And you know what else is sad? I didn‚??t know how to masturbate. The focus of sex is always on the vagina - and I had no idea that my sexual center was located slightly north of my cunt. I guess with guys, it‚??s obvious what to do - and masturbation isn‚??t such a hush-hush topic for them. But women need to know about the All-Important Clit, and relatively few do.
So when I was in college, I got fed up with having sex and not getting off - and I began to think something was wrong with me. I picked up a copy of "For Yourself" [By Lonnie Barbach; see our SOLO Bibliography] and began reading. I followed the directions - learn your parts, stare at yourself in a mirror, get naked and so forth - and I felt totally stupid the whole time, and kind of perverted. I mean, society had always frowned on my getting sexual pleasure from anything but "traditional" sex. So even as I began to familiarize myself with myself, my experiences were stunted by inhibition. Too, it took me a while to get the technique down. I guess I naively expected to touch my clit and for it to go off like a rocket. I didn‚??t realize that it really takes some time and effort sometimes.
When I became a little more comfortable touching myself, I concentrated on the physical feelings I was arousing. Touching myself is not pleasurable in the same way that, say, a backrub with fingertips is. I was expecting the same sort of "feeling good," and it was a completely different feeling. Identifying this was a major step for me. Acknowledging that this more subtle and deeper "feel good" feeling was exactly what it was supposed to be helped me to keep at it, as it were, and not give up in frustration. I also found that the more I concentrated on the O, the more pressure I felt, and that was no better than being in bed with a man who expected me to come. So I rubbed and tickled and concentrated solely on the sensations I was experiencing, and eventually, after rubbing and tickling and humping and pumping, I sneezed. Well, sort of. I just felt this incredible tension build up, and then I allowed myself to think of the orgasm, and all of a sudden, I was over the edge! My first orgasm ever! I was a little disbelieving because I had really begun to think of myself as nonorgasmic. But I poked a finger in my pussy, and sure enough, I could feel the contractions. I had done it! It was very liberating to have finally done what I thought every other woman in the world was able to do that I thought I couldn‚??t.
I think the major keys were relaxing, not concentrating on a particular goal besides enjoying what I was feeling, and acknowledging that the feelings I got weren‚??t necessarily supposed to feel the same way other "feel good" things do. Once I got over the hump once, I found it easier and easier to bring myself off.
Then I began incorporating more sophistication into my diddling. The first few times, I started out lying prone on my back, legs spread, doing it one-handed and tickling the sides of my breasts (they‚??re really sensitive there) with my other hand, because that‚??s the way I thought it was supposed to be done. One thing I have discovered is that you should eliminate all "should be's" from your vocabulary when it comes to pleasing yourself. The only shoulds that must be incorporated are that you should be comfortable with whatever it is you‚??re doing, and you should not worry about whether you‚??re doing it right. If it feels right, it is right.
So I began experimenting with positions. And while now I can come if I‚??m on my back or sitting (or occasionally standing), I much prefer lying on my stomach. I prefer two hands, and using both my hands on my clit and cunt (or sometimes my ass), instead of groping my boobs like they do in the movies. I‚??ve found that I much prefer for my husband to tickle my boobs the way I like - he simply does it better than I do.
You know what? Masturbation doesn‚??t have to simulate traditional sex one little bit; it can be a whole different type of activity. Viewing masturbation as a pursuit unto itself, and taking it for whatever it is for you, is important. Masturbation doesn‚??t have to be a prelude to traditional sex (though it certainly can be). Masturbation doesn‚??t have to be anything. It is what it is to you; it‚??s about figuring out what feels good to you and then doing it. And that‚??s fine. In fact, that‚??s perfect.
I began indulging my fantasies. I‚??m a straight female, but I find the female body quite lovely. I had always denied myself fantasies about other women because I was afraid it would make a lesbian of me (not that I think there‚??s anything wrong with lesbianism, but more because that‚??s not what I want for myself). But then I decided that since I‚??m the only person allowed into my head, I didn‚??t have to worry about someone finding out how much pleasure I take in looking at other women or thinking about other women - so it was perfectly OK for me to think about all the women I wanted to before and while I was pleasuring myself. Making allowances for myself and my fantasies opened up whole new worlds for me. For one thing, in the beginning, it took my mind off of "trying for the O," if I was busy thinking about what excited me and not what the ultimate goal was. For another thing, not denying myself allowed me to become a more sexual person, and more sexual in the way that is right for me. So I ventured further afield in my fantasy exploration and discovered all kinds of fantasies which heretofore I had felt were shameful - but which excited me nonetheless. Allowing them and still maintaining that I am a normal, healthy woman let me enjoy my feelings without the orgasm-discouraging guilt that I had always felt before. The more I let myself go, the better my sex life (with myself) became. And I found that instead of working for the O, I was going for the pleasure, and the orgasm was the magnificent end result. The O began working for me, instead of the other way around.
Now I masturbate whenever the mood takes me, whether that‚??s once a week or several times a day. Usually I‚??m pretty purposeful about it. I don‚??t really make love to myself - more, I fuck myself. But that turns me on, so that‚??s fine.
Usually I start by reading some pieces of erotica or running through a couple of free porn sites. Less frequently, and only if I have a lot of time on my hands, I will lie down and imagine a particular fantasy playing out in my head. What I like to read and look at may seem perverse to others, but it does the trick for me, and that‚??s what matters. I generally enjoy stories involving nonconsensual sex, usually a woman tricked into being a sex slave and finding she really enjoys it. I enjoy stories about anal penetration, female masturbation, toys, lesbian activity (particularly when one is a sub and the other is a very kind dom) and dogs. The dogs fantasy is one I‚??m still coming to terms with. I don‚??t think I‚??d particularly want to ever have sex with a dog, or that I would necessarily even let one lick me off. But the thought is racy and exciting and gets me nice and slippery wet, so I permit it. Just because you have a particular fantasy doesn‚??t mean that you‚??re going to indulge it, or even that you necessarily want to. I enjoy girl-girl pictures, female masturbation pics, pictures of toys (and especially non-sex-toy objects!) in use, anal play and fisting. I really like amateur pics where the subject of the photograph seems to really be enjoying herself, no matter what she‚??s doing. When I‚??m looking at a pic of one person, I generally prefer to look at pics of women as opposed to men, though I enjoy pictures of men and women coupling about as much. Sometimes I lightly play with myself as I'm preparing, and sometimes I don't.
Once I‚??ve become wet from my pre-orgasm activities and am ready to pay full attention to myself, I usually lie down on my stomach and get down to business. My standard technique is to strum my clit (usually only the hood, rarely the glans itself) with my right index finger while leaving my left hand to other things. The thumb and middle finger of my right hand pull back my lips a bit so I can get at my clit a little easier. I generally lube my strumming finger with my own wetness, though occasionally I will supplement with lotion or oil if I haven‚??t really prepared as thoroughly as I usually do. I strum vertically with constancy and moderate speed and pressure, dipping back into my pussy to re-wet my finger as needed. I usually put my middle and ring fingers of my left hand into my cunt, sometimes working them (either in or out or just wiggling them inside me) and sometimes leaving my hand still and working my pelvis over my hand. My left index finger sometimes finds its way into my pussy, though usually it is busy stimulating the entrance to my urethra, which happens to be extremely sensitive for me. I used to feel weird about this, too, but then, it‚??s never caused any problems. No urinary tract infections, no incontinence, and no pain. So I finally decided that if it feels good and doesn‚??t have any ill effects, there‚??s no reason in the world that I shouldn‚??t do it.
Sometimes I have my legs wide open, and other times stretched out taut and tightly closed. Generally in one session, I‚??ll use a combination of the two, alternating as the mood takes me. Usually this method brings me off within 10 minutes from lying-down time to big O. Sometimes I will use an object - most likely a plastic bottle or my vibrator (sometimes cut on and sometimes not) to fill myself, and will turn my left hand‚??s attention to my asshole. The thought of anal sex is incredibly exciting to me, and I really enjoy being stimulated, both in actual physicality and in simply thinking about being taken from the rear, in the rear. I rarely penetrate deeply, unless I use a small (thin) object or my finger, so usually my natural lubrication is enough, though I sometimes find (when I‚??m not hurried) that it‚??s very sensual to take time about lubricating my asshole before actually popping a finger or an object in.
I haven‚??t found the water method or the riding method to be particularly good for me, though I do hump my hand as I‚??m fingering myself. I have once had a very shatteringly wonderful orgasm in a whirlpool tub, but usually a regular bathtub doesn‚??t cut it. I can come on my back, but it takes longer. When I'm on my back, it helps if my husband is there, and I know he‚??s enjoying the show - and I think soon we might graduate to taking pictures and making videos. Occasionally, I really enjoy masturbating while sitting, usually at my computer with some form of erotica in front of me on the screen. I‚??m more wide-open when I sit and slouch a bit, and the same technique (right hand diddling, left hand roaming) is different but no less exciting. I suppose it depends on the mood I‚??m in. Sometimes I‚??d rather be doing a semi-simulation of intercourse by lying down, but other times, the sheer excitement of the idea of masturbation for itself makes sitting particularly appealing.
When I lived in a house fronting a major road, I found that sometimes sitting facing the window with my spread legs and my fingers in my cunt, and leaving the blinds partly opened, really excited me. I doubt anyone saw me - in fact, if I thought strangers would actually be watching, I might find it a little intimidating - but knowing that someone could possibly glance up from the road and catch a glimpse of me giving myself pleasure was very exciting and . . . naughty. I have used a vibrator to get off before, and it‚??s very handy if I‚??m in a hurry or want a very intense orgasm. My dildo-shaped vibrator only does a so-so job on my clit, but I also have a vibrator shaped like Mr. Potato Head, and I press his vibrating feet to my clit and usually have a thundering go. (The Mr. Potato Head thing is a toy, and I didn‚??t buy it for this purpose, but improvisation sometimes yields spectacular results. . . ) I also find that having a slightly full bladder enhances my solo activities, probably because of the extra pressure. (I would caution that if you‚??re new to orgasms in general, or to urethral stimulation, you proceed carefully if you don‚??t want to whiz all over yourself, as both orgasm and urethral stimulation can trigger peeing. Practice and frequent Kegeling can help you avoid that happening, if you wish to try it without risking peeing all over yourself.)
Sometimes I incorporate a fantasy while I‚??m masturbating, instead of just to prepare myself, but not usually. Usually I‚??m concentrating on the sensations my hands are creating or visualizing what I must look like with my hands in and on myself. My most common fantasy while I‚??m masturbating, if I use one, is imagining that I have been coerced into performing for others, and that my natural reluctance has been overcome because I don‚??t have any choice about the matter. I imagine that there is a person - sometimes male, sometimes female - egging me on and telling me what they are going to do to me when I get finished, or are about to do to me while I frig myself. A lot of times that includes a promise of some sort of anal stimulation. Occasionally, it‚??s a threat that the dogs might be sicced on me (Oh no! Anything but that!).
I enjoy being partially clothed when I masturbate. I find it particularly nice to push my undies aside to get at myself. But I also like being naked. It‚??s a different feeling. I often find myself horniest when I‚??ve just come out of the shower and am wrapped in a towel. It all depends on my mood.
Some things that sometimes help me if I‚??m having trouble going over the edge: more lube. I find that slicker is better, for me. Too much friction can be unpleasant. Focusing on a different fantasy during the act can help, too. If one scenario isn‚??t doing the trick for me, another might. Focusing on a different spot with my left hand works sometimes, too - if frigging my pussy isn‚??t doing the thing for me, I relocate to my ass. Sometimes that‚??s just the thing. Changing positions occasionally helps, so that the position of my clit is slightly altered. Switching my strumming method and pressure also works sometimes. Talking to myself (or thinking to myself, if I can‚??t talk aloud, or having someone else talk to me encouragingly while I‚??m going) sometimes helps. Things like, "Oh yeah, fuck me." Or "Wait‚??ll you see what I have in store for you next," or "God, you‚??re so beautiful when you bring yourself off." Cheerleading like "You can do it! Don‚??t be scared!" usually doesn‚??t work for me, because it adds extra pressure to come. But whatever self-help statements or noises work for you might help. Sometimes clenching my muscles tighter helps, or imagining the actual mechanics of what is happening (envisioning the folds of my cunt as my finger explores, or visualizing my hand being engulfed as I pump up and down on it). And sometimes taking a break helps. If all else fails, I‚??ll just go back to my inspiration for a little while, and see what happens. If I still can‚??t come, I don‚??t think of the session as a failure - it felt good, didn‚??t it? Maybe I was too tired, or just not in the right mood, or whatever. And after all, there will always be other opportunities to come.
I think I would someday like to try mutual masturbation with another female, if not outright sex. I always get turned on by "girlish exploration" stories, and sometimes I think it would be fantastic to have a "womanly exploration" story of my own, even if it‚??s only a phone or email arrangement. I think it would be enormously wonderful to be in the same room with a woman who is getting herself off, who isn‚??t putting on an act but is really enjoying it, and pleasuring myself while I watch her bring herself pleasure. Maybe one day I‚??ll try it. There are other times I enjoy showing off for my husband, and sometimes I really groove on watching him wanking.
It all depends on my mood at the moment, and it‚??s *all* all right. I believe the key to finding an orgasm is letting yourself go, letting yourself explore all the possibilities without admonishing yourself for being "weird" or "perverted." And it‚??s true that you can train yourself to come quicker and harder, and eventually it‚??s pretty easy to become goal oriented - to deliberately go for the O. But until you‚??ve mastered that, I think the best way to achieve the elusive orgasm is to allow yourself to be excited by whatever excites you without being hung up on standards of normality or social acceptability, or rightness. And don‚??t pressure yourself by thinking you‚??re less a woman for lacking an orgasm, or that you must come in order for the pursuit to be worthwhile. Once you‚??ve gotten over any psychological or emotional hurdles, focus on the physicality - the sensations that you‚??re causing yourself to experience - and adjust your technique to taste. Consider what a gift it is that you have an organ designed solely for sexual pleasure, and that you will, once you master the technique that is right for you, take control of your own sexual satisfaction and will never have to be dependent on anyone else to pleasure you again. And once you hit on a technique that works for you, stick with it a little while, and see what happens. You may just hit on an orgasm - which, in turn, opens up even more doors to your personal sexuality.