I had masturbated as a teen but as I got older and was in a couple of relationships, masturbation seemed kind of something left in back in those teen days. When I got married and started a family, I can't really remember masturbating other than when my wife was recuperating from childbirth or illness. I have a stronger sex drive than my wife, but enjoyed sex so much with her that I never felt much compulsion to masturbate in-between our love making.
We're in our late forties and our kids are now out on their own. In the past few years we've been able to experiment more with sex. My wife had actually brought the subject of masturbation up, asking me if I did. It was kind of an embarrassing subject but I told her pretty much what I've stated above. She had pretty much the same experiences with masturbation as a teen and we talked about the whole subject of masturbation and society's outlook on it.
Not too long after this conversation, we were planning a romantic evening. Through the years when we have planned a romantic evening, an hour or two before we actually began our love making, my wife has masturbated me or performed oral sex on me so that when we do began our love making, I won't reach orgasm so quickly. This has worked really well for us both as sometimes without this pre-love making, I get excited too quickly. We had finished dinner and were sitting on the couch watching TV and talking about making love later on. My wife began to lightly rub me through my pants and I thought she was going to masturbate me. She told me to pull down my pants and she began to fondle me. Then she told me to do it. I wasn't sure what she meant so I asked her. She said she wanted to watch me masturbate. I was kind of shocked. We had experimented with sex before but we had never masturbated in front of each other.
She told me that she was curious of how men did it and our talk about masturbation had arisen her curiosity. I was totally embarrassed to do that but she seemed truly interested in this. She said she would do the same for me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I reluctantly began to fondle myself, but it was difficult because I had become soft by the suggestion. After a couple of minutes I still wasn't getting erect and told her I didn't think this would work. I felt totally naked and exposed as she still had all of her clothes on. She encouraged me to keep trying.
Eventually I became semi-erect but really didn't feel any sexual feelings and really doubted I could bring myself all the way to orgasm. It seemed like it took a long time but I eventually felt that slight tingle, which kind of surprised me. My penis grew more erect and it began to feel better although I still felt weird about doing this. Once I became fully erect, I began to masturbate faster as it was easier to do. Within several minutes, I felt that recognizable warm wet feeling deep inside me letting me know that my prostrate was releasing some of my semen. This surprised me because I still didn't think I could actually reach an orgasm masturbating in front of her. It just seemed so strange to feel so embarrassed doing this in front of my wife, even though we had done various things sexually. Masturbation seemed so 'private' and something to be hidden in the closet that even though we had been married so many years, it was still unusual.
She didn't say anything, and once in a while I would look over at her and she was intently watching my penis. The sexual feeling grew somewhat but not intensely. For the most part, I had my eyes closed-as if this would hide me somehow. Once in a while I would peek at my penis and noticed a little clear drop of pre-cum in my slit. This startled me as I didn't feel aroused enough for this to occur. For some reason though, seeing this drop grow bigger aroused me. I hoped she didn't see it for some reason, but I'm sure she did. The bigger the drop grew the more I became aroused and yet at the same time, the more I wanted to hide it.
The drop eventually grew big enough and heavy enough that it finally rolled off and landed on my stomach, leaving a semi-clear thread from the slit. I remember wanting to wipe it away, but I knew she saw it, so I left it there. I got to a certain state of arousal that I knew I would start breathing hard and twitching my legs and I wanted to hide this from her as well. I however couldn't stop these involuntary actions and it dawned on me that I would actually bring myself to orgasm if I kept masturbating. For some reason, bringing myself to orgasm was bad enough, but to ejaculate in front of her was kind of scary. Although I've ejaculated in front of her many, many times, it was always because of her bringing me to the orgasm, but here I was bringing myself to orgasm in front of her for the first time. It was like, seeing the semen spurt from me was a visual proof positive that I had given myself an orgasm and I wasn't sure how to deal with that.
The closer I got, the more I tried to slow down to prevent an orgasm, but all that was doing was teasing myself and the longer I teased myself, the more semen I would ejaculate. I remember really fighting squirming around and trying to keep my panting in check, but it wasn't working. I fought my orgasm even though by this point it felt so wonderful and my desire for release became so acute that I struggled with wanting to hold back and wanting to go over the edge.
I think what helped me to overcome my fears was that being so aroused made my vulnerability and embarrassment actually intensify my arousal. It wasn't long and I was really close to going over the edge, but still hesitant. My wife must have known how close I was and understood my hesitancy and told me it was alright, to go ahead and make myself cum. At this point, hearing her tell me to 'make myself cum', not her 'making me cum' but me making myself cum, was liberating and for a few seconds, it turned me on and I brought myself over the edge. I watched as I ejaculated and the volume of semen was quite a lot which made me feel embarrassed again. The orgasm was so intense and prolonged, mostly from trying to hold it back that I couldn't do anything but experience it. I've had some really strong orgasms, but this was strong not only physically, but emotionally as well.
After I'd regained myself, we talked about the experience. My wife was turned on by watching me, but she said mostly it was extremely intense for her emotionally. She knew how embarrassing it was for me and yet she thought it was so intimate and new that she saw me and my sexuality in a new light. I watched her masturbate and I felt the same way. I had always kind of thought of 'us' as being sexual, but by watching her, I saw her as her own sexual being. That she could be sexual whether I was dead or alive. I guess in a way it gave us more respect for each other in many different ways.
Since then we incorporate masturbation like this every once in a while. Sometimes we make fun little games out of it to spice up our sex lives. This might be something other couples might like to try.
Some of the things we've done to make fun little games are:
To have one masturbate while the other watches from another room.
One will masturbate while the other is driving the car.
Call each other and have phone sex while one or the other, or both masturbate.
These are just a few suggestions. My wife likes me to get her excited and then lightly tie her hands behind her back while I masturbate right in front of her while she can't do anything but watch, unable to touch herself. I like this reversed as well. We also have a quaint little Italian restaurant we like to go to and go in the bar after dinner for a couple of drinks. In the dark little bar one of us will masturbate while the other watches our faces. It's hard to conceal an orgasm but in trying, it makes the orgasm feel stronger knowing there are other people around that don't have a clue. No one else can see us as the tables have tablecloths.
Its funny how masturbation has gotten such a bad rap and is more in the closet than homosexuality, but its true and I'm one who knows. I still don't masturbate alone much, although since our exploration together, I have done so a few times while she was out. I feel more of a connection to myself and my sexuality and that its ok to give myself pleasure.