Let me first say that as a child I suffered through some abuse in the family. As a result I've always been a little timid when it comes to matters of sex and masturbation...not that I'm not outright bold about it and proud of it, but still I'm afraid to let someone experience it with me. Anyone who has been through any amount of abuse might be able to relate to the feeling that my body is my own and is no one else's to pleasure. I feel very sexy and empowered when I masturbate alone...like a dominatrix of sorts. I can take it as far as I like, or stop when I've had my fill. Often I don't even need to orgasm to be satisfied. Though I've had experiences with previous boyfriends, I always wished I could feel less reluctant about my actions.
However, I believe I may have finally struck a turning point in my life that will get me to open up to someone.
You see, in my Psychology class there is this absolutely smoking hot Jewish guy. To loosely quote The Doors: he lights my fire!! He is a grade higher then I, a little bit taller (about 5'8 I'd say) and he has an amazingly curly head of rusty brown hair (manly sideburns and all). I've never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. Not only do I completely worship his hot body, but I'm also in love with him. There is substance to my lust and I often find myself in drawn to him in hot pursuit when he's near me. Enough description though...
He knows I think he's devilishly hot (friends tell friends who tell friends...you know how it goes in high school) and I know he notices me getting all flushed and bothered just glancing at him in class, but what he doesn't know is that every night I go home and lie on my bed reliving the day's experiences in my mind and then slowly and very softly I let my hands creep down to my stomach and touch my skin. I'll leave no part of me untouched, as I find it incredibly erotic to be able to consider my own body such a great source of arousal. I'll touch myself all over and remember his face, his scent, what he wore, what he said...anything and everything that I love about him.
Gradually, as my arousal grows I'll begin to tap my clit gently with a finger or two. Then I'll circle it, teasing myself and imagine that a guy is touching me for the first time. I no longer want to hold back. I want to share it ALL with this amazing guy. In my mind I desire it from him so badly. It's a turn on just thinking about it! I dream that he climbs into bed with me and instead of my own hands teasing my sensitive skin; it's him, gently urging my body to explode in climax.
I take a whole hand at this point and rub how I want it. I don't tease any longer. I'll soon surpass needing what my hands can give me...I'll get up and find a pillow or the side of my mattress...or my personal favorite, a twisted up blanket pulled tightly between my legs. I'll grind and hump until I can't move anymore. Often waking up a little sore the next morning.
But I pretend it's him every time. I pretend he's lending a hand (screw that...his whole damned body) in getting me off. He loves every minute of it and who am I to deny such a prize catch some pleasure of his own? He may not be a pro, but it doesn't matter...he's an expert at turning me on. My body can do the rest of the work if that's how it's got to be. I'm just happy he exists. In my mind we both climax together (I may even whisper his name aloud if the mood is just perfect) and lay tangled up in blankets cooling down and breathing heavily. We fall asleep together.
The fantasy fades while I come down from my orgasm. He's not here. He has never touched me. We've never spoken intimately. He makes me feel like something very beautiful...he doesn't even know this at the moment.
I hope you've enjoyed reading this. I'm glad I have a proper outlet to free these thoughts of mine.
To all girls and guys with abusive pasts: please take it very easy if sex or masturbation bother you at this time. I want you to know that I've been through it and I know what its like to lack desire for anything sexual and to be a little afraid of relationships in general. Don't ignore your fears and rush into a bad relationship just for the sake of experimenting. Wait for the right guy or girl to come along because when they do recovery will be very speedy. You'll be extremely happy that you can learn what you like with a loving and trusting partner (the ONE you actually want to be with in body and soul) as opposed to a 'fuck friend'.
Much love. Be strong. Enjoy yourself