It was 3:15pm on a Saturday afternoon in the summer of 1978 when I walked down a street that was not on my usual route from the mall to my house. That's when I saw him washing a car in the driveway. I had recently moved into the neighborhood so it didn't make sense to me why I felt as if I knew this kid. He looked so familiar and I was certain that we had met before.
I stopped and struck up a conversation and learned that he too had just moved into the area. I asked if he ever lived in the city that I had just moved from but he hadn't. He had just moved from out of state. Nevertheless, I still felt as if we had met before.
His name was Bobby, we were both fourteen, and we would be going to the same school once summer was over. We became best friends and spent nearly everyday exploring our new suburban surroundings. I found myself drawn to him and it was an oddly familiar feeling. I have had a few little crushes on girls before and this was something along those lines. Just like a jigsaw puzzle, it didn't take long for the pieces to fall into place and paint a clear picture of what was really going on.
It all came to the surface one night after we walked to the mall to see a movie. The movie theatre had become a regular thing for us on the weekends. It had become so much more for me. As soon as the house lights would dim I would get this feeling as the theatre went dark and the previews began. For the next two hours my mind would wonder as I sat there so close to this person who made me feel so alive. Whenever he wanted to say something about the movie, he'd lean over and speak softly right into my ear. I could feel his warm breath on the side of my face, I could smell the clean scent of soap that he used to wash his body, and I could smell the shampoo in his hair. A little later he leaned over to say something and his lips made contact with my earlobe and I gasped softly as this feeling washed over my entire body.
He looked at me and asked what had happened and I quickly said that he shocked me like when you walk on the carpet and touch someone. 'I didn't feel it,' he said with a questioning tone in his voice. 'That's because you shocked me dummy.' He thought about it for a second. 'Oh yeah, that makes sense.' Even through all of these feelings that I had developed for him, I never once felt odd about having a crush on a boy. I suppose that I thought that it would eventually go away like it does with girls. Little did I know that I only had a few hours left to hold on to this theory?
My mom came and picked us up at the theatre and drove us back to our house. Bobby and I laid on my bed talking and listening to 45's (45's are how music was recorded before 8-tracks, LP's, cassettes, and CD's came along.) About 10:00p.m. Bobby said his goodbye's and just like that he was gone.
I got out of my clothes and hopped into bed. I flipped on the T.V. and flipped off the light on my night table. On the other side of my night table was my desk and I could see that Bobby had left his jacket folded on my desk chair. Out of curiosity, I walked over and got the jacket and sat back down on my bed. I dug through the pockets and found nothing more then $2.65 and half of the movie ticket from the theatre. I put everything back where it belonged and was folding the jacket when I caught a faint scent of Bobby. It reminded me of him and I held the coat to my face and breathed in that intoxicating aroma. That same feeling washed over me and I heard myself utter a very emphatic 'Mmmmm I love you so much'
I could feel the tears building up as I sat there processing all of these feelings and realising that I had fallen in love. I was in love. I just sat there thinking to myself, 'Holy shit! I'm in love. So that sure explained a lot of things.'
I was terrified that Bobby would know somehow. That maybe he could see it in my eyes or hear it in my voice the way I felt it just by standing next to him. I worried that he would hate me and never speak to me if he found out that I was in love with him. What a tragedy it is to have this wonderful feeling and not be able to tell anyone. Not even the one that you love.
Soon Bobby got his first real girlfriend and I spent less and less time with him. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep wondering where he was and what he was doing. Was he kissing her or maybe holding her hand? Were they sitting side-by-side in the movie theatre while I lie hear with my heart crushed. I hated myself for not loving him more. If I had only loved him just a little bit more then maybe he would have been able to feel that feeling that he gave to me.
Over the next few years I watched one girl after the other break up with him or flat out dump him. You'd think that I'd be glad but I wasn't. I could see the hurt that he felt and it was killing me to see like that. Now that we had both just got our drivers licenses, I knew that the next girl was just around the corner and I was right.
I asked Bobby what lame excuse Sandra had given him this time for breaking their date. 'She broke up with me,' he said.
'God Damn! What the fuck is wrong with these bitches? Don't they know that they already had it as good as it is going to get?'
Bobby was almost defending their actions. 'Well she said that she just needed some time to be by herself.'
I just shook my head. 'That's crazy for them to dump you like that. I'd never do that.'
I could see Bobby's head turn towards me from the corner of my eye. 'What do you mean?' He said. My heart started pounding. What the fuck did I just do? I got scared and I started to stutter as I tried to explain.
'Ya know, I mean if I was a girl I wouldn't just dump someone like that because I wouldn't want someone to do it to me.'
I was deathly quiet and I could see by the look on his face that he wasn't buying a single word of that bullshit. I felt dizzy but I also felt like I wanted to run. Just take off running and never stop. He knows! He fuckin' knows! Those were that words that I was screaming to myself in my head. I couldn't take it anymore. The silence was killing me.
'Say something Damn it!'
'You say something! Go ahead and say it.'
I felt weak and defeated. Was he asking me to say what I thought he was asking me to say? Could he possibly be talking about something else?
'Huh! Say what?'
Bobby looked right into my eyes. I felt like he could read my mind and I knew that he knew. Why couldn't I say it? It was true and I had always promised myself that I would never deny it.
He was just about to speak when I let it out. 'I LOVE YOU!... I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!'
'I know, I know you are buddy'
I started to cry and he just put his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't bring myself to look at him and then I felt his hand on my chin. He was turning my head so that he could look at me.
'You have no idea how much I wish you were a girl' He said as he wiped the tears from my face.
'No! Don't you see? That wouldn't work. If I was a girl, I'd just be one more like all of the rest and you'd be sitting here with some other guy who was in love with you.'
Bobby took in a deep breath and then he just leaned forward and planted his lips directly on mine. I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe that he was kissing me, that we were kissing each other. I fell back against the passenger door and slid down across the seat of Bobby's Mom's station wagon.
He cupped my face in his hands as he pushed his tongue past my lips. I reached under the back of his shirt and ran my hands up and down his back. God! His skin was so warm and so smooth. I even got bold and grabbed the back pockets of his 501's
I maneuvered myself from under him and now he was on his back. I held his palms down while I kissed him as if it would be for the last time. I reached down with a roaming hand until I found the hard lump in the front of his pants.
I looked him right in the eyes as I started to unfasten the buttons of his pants. He just smiled at me as I reached into his briefs and fished out his stiff cock. It was beautiful, and warm, and leaking pre-cum. I had never had a penis in my hand other then my own. But I had dreamed about it a million times before.
I stroked his fat six-inch cock for a few minutes when Bobby started to display the tell-tail signs of a pending ejaculation. He started fumbling around for something.
'I'm real close, I'm going to cum! I'm cumming! Oh fuck!'
I did love him that night back in 1980 when I was 16. I love him even more tonight in 2005 at damn near 40. He'll be the last thought that passes through my mind as I leave this world.