New Home, New Start, New Ways.

My first morning, and I woke up with one arm protectively across my breasts, my hand holding my shoulder, and the other hand dipped between my legs. Again, protective.  This is so not like me. I have also been wearing panties to bed, whereas naturally, I am a naked sleeper, or, if it’s real cold, a t shirt. Well, here it’s not “real cold”, is fucking freezing, so my nightwear will have to change.  This morning, for the first time in weeks, I woke feeling not just horny, but raunchy too. Time of the month getting near. I definitely felt like I needed more than just to masturbate gently.  But every dirty image that flashed through my head had Stevie attached to it. Guess that’s going to take some therapy somewhere along the line. Even the thought of fucking myself with my vibrator didn’t do it....and I love my vibrator!  Peeing? Hmmm....maybe. I do enjoy it, but it has to be linked with either a fantasy or something I’ve done.  I was certainly damp enough down there today. Fuck, how I love that musky scent! I love the feel of dampness on my panties too. All those years of “keep clean..never be wet....change several times a day if you have to” bullcrap.  Since ive been re-emerging somewhat....masturbating in a very “young girl” way, I thought I might use that and see where it goes.  Oh ive had several attempts, since Stevie left to be the old dirty me, but somehow....somehow I’m not ready for that yet. Still, this morning was the first time I actually felt like seeing something dirty through to the finish.  I got up, and although it’s snowing hard outside, my home is wonderfully warm. Padding around in my t shirt and panties was no bother. Underfloor Hearing is something I haven’t had before...and I discovered an added bonus when I sat on the floor....the warmth carries my scent up! Mmmmm.  So, bathroom, and today, (afterwards) I want a bath, so I set the water running. I sat back down on the floor, in much the same way I would sit on the school field, back against a wall. In a second, my brain took me back to those days when I would sit like this, deliberately flashing my panties for anyone to see....and shocking the nuns and monks if I could. I remembered that first time I was conscious of the grass tickling my ass outside my panties, and I remembered the first time I really, really wanted to be brave enough to pee.  By that time, I’d heard about girls doing it for fun, and I’d even seen a girl have a quick pee in public on the walk home with me. It was very daring! She had just stepped off the path, whipped her panties to her knees and done it...right there...as I kept lookout...and watched. I’d said “aren’t you worried about getting it on your panties?” She had said “Fuck no! Who cares...feels nice anyway”.  As the hot water ran into the tub, and the room filled with steam, I felt so cozy. My memory became a day dream, and I felt like I was back there again withher, except this time, I had joined her on that little patch of grass.  “I need to go too” ”No you don’t. You WANT to. There’s a difference.” ”Well, I do...so there!” (Lame. Or what?) ”Well go on then. Better take your panties down or you’ll wet them....unless that’s what you want”. ”Well, you say you’ve done it and it feels ok.” ”Yeah, I’ve done it. And it doesn’t feel ok...it feels fucking horny” ”Horny?” ”Fuck yeah....doing it in my panties, just for thehell of it....fuck...I have to play with myself afterwards...and I cum real fast. Go on. Dare you! I dare you to do,it in your panties.” ”I.....I don’t know...maybe another....” ”Look. You’re already wet, you horny bitch....just fucking let go.” I closed my eyes and I,gained her staring st my crotch as I softly peed into my panties. Slowly, gently, but unstoppable, until I was sitting in a puddle. I reached into the waitband and down to my clit which was already hard and demanding my attention. I thought of that girl again, and realised that, while I was looking at her pussy, how swollen her lips really were, and how there was a milky quality to her pee which I realised must have been her pussy cream. I realised, she wasn’t peeing in front of me because she needed to...she did it because she wanted me to watch...she wanted an image to use later.  My cum felt like a wave rolling up a beach. It wasn’t savage, by any means...nothing like orgasms I’ve had recently, but it was long lasting. I kept my mind focused on the image of her pussy...the light sparse covering of hair, the pouting lips, her clit, the pee jetting from between her legs...the way she gripped the crotch of her pale blu panties between her knees...the way her ass contracted when she’d finished.  If id known then how delightful it would have been to touch her...finger her...taste her. I was sure in that moment that had I reached for her, she wouldn’t have stopped me. This was pure exhinitionism.  The bath felt lovely....cleansing.....refreshing.  Stepping from it, I realised that I haven’t paid too much attention to the business of keeping my pubic hair shaved. My pussy looks like that of a 13 year old right now. It looks nice, but it also is at the itchy stage too, so, razor to the rescue, and in a few moments, I was smooth again.  I love having my sex on display like this. Men seem to like it, as do women. I wonder how many girls shave these days? It wasn’t that many when I was at school, but maybe that’s changed now? Anyone know?  Ive definitely been thinking more of dick than pussy, but that’s probably just a reaction. Hey, wait, I DO like dick...Stevie knew that, and we had talked about me getting laid now and then.  Back lying on my bed, I kept thinking of being fucked. I even raised my knees and spread my legs as I would do if it happened. I don’t know if this is just me, or whether all girls feel this to some extent, but when I deliberately open my legs in a sexual way, it’s as if my brain focuses on my hole. That secret place, normally well hidden, is suddenly not just exposed, but inviting penetration. I actually felt my vagina contract....and it felt good!  Im a girl who loves different positions. Missionary is good, but so is all fours. So is me lying flat onthe bed, legs clamped together, and a guy in my vagina....or in my ass. So is facing a wall, standing, being fucked from behind. But I guess we all start off missionary, dont we. I lifted my feet off the bed, drawing my knees towards my chest. Again, the verbalisation I seem to need leaked into the room. ”Fuck me....put it in me.” The identical words I used on my very first time. “Fuck me.....” and when he had said he was close “Do it in me....cum inside me”. I felt myself dripping. And I knew I couldn’t leave it there.  My vibrator is still in a box somewhere, but a girl can make do with a banana! I always keep fresh fruit around the house. The one in the bowl near my bed slipped inside me so easily. I used both hands on it, even though it didn’t need it.  “Fuck me....do it harder....and faster.....fuck me through the floor.” I remembered how that had made him bang me....the romance transplanted by something like animal aggression...and I had loved it. I remember, among the pleasure filling my body, how, when he got going really hard and fast, I had thought “This must be what being raped feels like.” And I remembered that, far from revulsion, that image really turned me on. Later in our relationship, we would play “rape” games. Sometimes he would rip a hole in my pantyhose, but most times, it was me, and “fuck me....fuck me through the bed....” became “rape me.....rape me you cunt”. The imagery and profanity causing me to explode into,orgasm.  So I lay there, feet high in the air, knees spread, fucking myself hard with the banana, and calling out “Screw me...fuck me.....fuck me harder.....rape me......shoot it inside me....rape me and make me pregnant.”  If the orgasm in the bathroom when I wet myself was a wave rolling up a beach, this one was more like a tornado! Savage, wild, untamed.  Afterwards, I felt better than I’ve felt for weeks. Walking around, I got that feeling girls get sometimes, when you think you can still feel your lover inside you.  I know I’m not ready for a partner yet. My contributions here, if any, willbe Solo, But I can see a time when maybe I will be ready for a lover again. Not right now, but, maybe sometime. Meanwhile, I’m going to treat myself to a glass dildo....something I’ve wanted for a long time.