Nights are Worse

The lights are out, and I'm lying on my back staring....staring at what? Not the ceiling, I can't see it. I'm staring into infinity, but not the mere physical here and now. My mind, my would, and my heart are far beyond this room. 

For a second, Cairns beach flashes before my eyes. I see people walking on the seafront, and my heart quickens as I think I see her, hand in hand with her boyfriend. I expect to feel a pang of jealousy, or anger, but instead, all I feel is an unselfish love for them....for the three of them. 

I feel a tear run slowly down from the corner of my right eye. I'm not sad though. I realise I'm happy for them. There's nothing I can give them, or do for them 12,000 miles away. But then, perhaps there is. 

My hands cup my breasts under the duvet. It's warm tonight, and I'm sleeping, (or not) naked. The tightness of my breasts is intense under my fingers, and I think of Amys. When Amy orgasmed, her breasts would be like,rocks, and they will be again when the baby is born. My hand runs down over my tummy, and I think about the new life that Amy is growing inside hers. I feel suddenly fiercely protective. I feel like I want to be part of this miracle, of this act of love. I stroke my tummy, and I hope her baby can feel my touch, and knows I would give my life for it if needed. 

Then, lower. My fingers trace through sparse hairs to my clit. My clit and Amys look very similar, and in my mind, they merge into one. I'm not certain any more whether I'm masturbating myself or her. A finger probes gently inside. I don't remember making that decision, so perhaps it just happened involuntarily, or maybe it's Amy fingering me. My legs are press, but flat on the bed, my toes arching away from me. It's almost like cramp, but I like it this way. 

I think of Amys body, how it felt, how it smelled, how it responded to my touch. I think of the heartaching beauty when she let me watch her masturbate. It never looked like a selfish act, it always appeared to me that she was doing it for me. I've still got some videos she sent me of her masturbating, but to watch them now, without her permisssion seems a violation. 

I'm almost ready, but I don't want to think about Amy when I cum, I want to think FOR her....I want to give this orgasm to her and her baby as a gift. I don't know much about psychic stuff, but maybe this act of love will find them both on the other side of the world. 

My finger presses forward, deep into my g-spot. It triggers the orgasm, and my head lifts from the pillow in a series of jerks as I come. 

Lying flat again now, I look towards my window which happens to face south. The tears are flowing freely now, and I whisper into the night "Oh, Amy. I love you so much." But I'm not sad. These are tears of love, and, just maybe, the beginnings of tears of farewell.