I Hate Masturbation

Category: Male Solo (M)
Submitted by: Anonymous Age: 24 Gender: Male

This is a kind of sad story, but I felt needs to get out there. I'm not sure if it'll get published because it deals with masturbation during childhood, but it's worth a try.

I've been masturbating since I was two. I don't remember my first time, and I really wish I did. I'd like to know how exactly I discovered this thing, but never mind that, I'll never know, that's impossible.

Here's what I do know. I discovered it somehow, and began to have this nightly routine before going to bed where I would lie on my stomach with my pajamas on and make a fist with my left hand and I would hump my fist over and over for a few minutes at night. Then I started doing it at afternoon naptime too, if I wasn't tired. When I reached school age, and no longer had afternoon naptime at home, I started doing it when I woke up each morning instead, while maintaining my nightly ritual as well. Also, by this age, each session was now several minutes long, instead of a few minutes long.

All through this time, I didn't know what it was that I was doing. I had no name for my activity, but I enjoyed it. I was also ashamed of it; I worried that my parents or somebody would walk in on me and I felt in my heart, if that happens it would be something I'd be ashamed of. Yet I still did it, always listening for walking down the hall where I could quickly jump off of my fist if the door were to suddenly open.

One afternoon when I was seven, I walked into my parent's bedroom, and much to my surprise, I saw my five year old brother lying on their bed doing what has always been my secret thing. He did it the same way as me, except that if it was me, I would have been under the covers, not on top of them. And I would have had the door closed, and I definitely would have stopped if anybody entered. But no, he kept going, and I watched him. His face was turned the other way; I'm really not sure if he knew I was there.

Well, curious me I was one step closer to finding out about my secret activity. At least now I knew that other people do it too, at least my younger brother did it. I wanted to talk to him, but I was shy, and I said nothing. I was curious though, I wanted to know how often he does this, and mainly why it gets done at all by anybody. And what is it called? Is there a name for this secret activity, and why does nobody talk about it? At any rate, I was to not know the answer to any of those questions for another several years. I was also hoping to see my brother do it again, but that never happened.

Then one evening we were at a cousin of mine's place. Everybody was all together in the upstairs living room except for my six year old cousin. Then I left to go downstairs to where it was darker and quieter. And I was shocked yet again, my cousin was on the couch downstairs doing what I would call my secret activity. I watched for a minute, and thought, "ok, now go talk to him, find out what he's doing." I ended up sitting down on that same couch a little passed where his legs were all kicking. But soon as I sat down, he got up and stopped, and he was shaking and red-faced. He looked worried and embarrassed and said that he didn't think anybody was going to go down here. He told me not to tell anybody what I saw. He was scared and wouldn't stop worrying, so I figured I won't be able to talk to him after all, and I pretended that I didn't see anything and that I'm not sure what he was talking about, and that all I wanted to do was sit down on the couch. I'll never forget the look on his face though, when he first realized I was in the same room as him doing his secret thing.

When I was ten, my sister was now three years old. I walked into our living room once, and there she was on the floor, using both of her hands, and her bum area sort of bounced overtop both of them. I was shocked and was thinking like, wow, girls do it too. I watched her for a few minutes. She didn't even feel any shame doing it in front of me. Little did I know, but I would see her doing it lots for the next several years, and so would my family and many of my friends. It would eventually become a regular activity on Saturdays, and Sundays when I didn't have school and when I got up to watch tv, once the television woke her up, she'd move into tv room as well to be with me. Eventually though, once a boring commercial came on or whatever, she'd jump onto the floor and place a stuffed animal or pillow between her legs, and she'd bounce her body over it. It was so cute. After a few minutes she'd throw the stuffed animal away, and use her hands. She'd bounce and rub for several minutes right in front of me, and I suppose she probably figured I'd always continue to watch tv, but really I was watching her. Then she'd do this in front of us whenever me and my brother were together but not including her in whatever activity we were doing. If she was bored, she humped her hands. And I can remember her doing this right up till she was 9 years old, and I was sixteen. She even did this in front of all my friends if they were over and if she wasn't included in activities around the house. However, everybody just ignored her, and nobody said nothing, and while I enjoyed watching my sister, I also felt embarrassed that she'd do it in front of my friends, but what could I do about that.

One day when we were swimming at a public pool, in the shower area there was a little boy taking a shower but he had an erection. I got those myself a lot, but didn't know why I did, nor what they even were. Mostly I found them uncomfortable, but this kid was playing with his. I was shocked again, and it made me wonder about my secret activity. I wondered why that boy was playing with his penis. Did it feel good? I knew it did if you are lieing down on a couch or a bed but what I didn??t know yet is that I could use different methods in different positions to accomplish the same feelings. The images of this boy never left me. The next time I was taking a shower at home, I grabbed onto my penis to see what would happen. Nothing really until it got stiff. Then it felt good, just like humping my fist in my bedroom does.

Then I got curious again. I wanted to know all the different things I could do to enjoy my secret activity. I began taking baths, and doing various things to accomplish what I didn??t know was sexual excitement. I also began puberty, and the urges to masturbate came up so often. I didn??t understand why either. I was waking up masturbating, then doing it in the shower with a hard one (the one??s I do lieing on my stomach are with soft one??s), then doing it after school, and doing it before sleeping. I also started ejaculating and wondering what that stuff was, and why is it so messy?

When I was fourteen, I had a girl cousin two years older than myself, and she was over at my place and I walked in on her lying on our couch and she had her hands between her legs, the same way my sister does and she seemed to be enjoying it.

Then there was this time we were at the beach, and a little girl was lieing in the sand on a towel in her swim suit, and I noticed her always sticking some fingers inside her swim suit as she??d rub her area. And I was shocked someone would do this so openly in public. Each time I saw someone prior to this doing it, they were at least at home where it was semi-private. But not with this girl. She was rubbing and rubbing with her hand inside the bottom part of her swimming suit rubbing her area like there was no tomorrow, and it looked like the parents beside her didn??t care or ask her to stop. And the general public, everybody else was ignoring her, while I was watching from a distance.

When I was fifteen, I began having to baby sit my five year old cousin each Sunday afternoon, while my parents went out with my aunt and uncle. But they??d always put him in bed first for his afternoon nap to make things easier for me. And they??d leave his bedroom door open and all I had to do was check up on him every so many minutes. Once when I did, I was shocked he was sitting up on his bed, and he had his penis stick out of the hole in his underwear and he was playing with it like there was no tomorrow. What was so cool was he couldn??t see me down the hallway, but I could watch him every Sunday doing this. Later on in the afternoon, I??d watch as he would walk around his room over and over while he was tugging his penis.

When I was sixteen I saw a teenager rubbing his penis at a urinal. I couldn??t resist anymore, I tapped him on his shoulder and asked him, ??Excuse me. What are you doing???? And he wasn??t mad, he said, ??I??m masturbating silly.?? Well I didn??t know what that meant and I??ve never heard that before. But I ran to the library and tried to look for it in an encyclopedia. I found an article, and tried reading while hiding what I was reading about from others. I now had a name for my secret activity and some of my curiosity for now was relieved.

I??m 24, and to this day I masturbate at least three times a day still. I??ve tried to quit but can only do it for a short time, and only when I??m on a holiday or trip with family in a hotel where it??s hard to get privacy. And I need to masturbate in order to fall asleep. If I don??t, I can??t drift off and fall asleep. Not even with music or anything else. If I wake up early and want to enjoy television or music or something, I can??t even do that. My mind thinks about masturbating and I once again have to do it first before I do anything else each day. And when I masturbate, I am always thinking and reflecting back on all the images I??ve shared here of whenever I??ve seen someone masturbate, whether it was my sister, cousin, or stranger.

I hate it. I feel like I??m addicted and can??t do or think about anything else. It wastes my time (each session till orgasm takes anywhere from an hour to ninety minutes for me, not just a few minutes when I was little). I try to stop, but then I can??t sleep. And I feel like my mind is dirty, am I going to become a pedophile because what actually turns me on is thinking about little kids and how they innocently masturbate in public sometimes? I hate everything about my masturbation experiences. I hate the fear I had when I was little about getting caught. I hate the curiosity I always had which was a by-product of doing something that nobody ever at least talked to me about. I hate the addiction, and I hate my thoughts and mind pictures that I dwell on.


[lb][i]This story was originally submitted to Solo Touch and not published because it violates the rules.[/i][rb]