This One Goes Out to Darlington

I have always been negative on sex. As a kid I felt horrific feelings about my own masturbation. I had terrible guilt & loneliness & no one to talk to about it. As an adult I rejected Christianity, went through a terrible period where I lived pretty poorly then later found my own spirituality, but even though I knew I could live well on my own terms, I could never shake the sexual negativity. I no longer had the moral hang-ups and mentally I assented to the idea that whatever consenting adults do is ok, I never could get a deep down feeling that it was GOOD. I just felt dead & empty sexually. I have to confess that with my last partner of two years, aside from a few moments I never got any real joy out of it. I couldn't let go. The relationship fell apart & I ended it and I made a conscious decision to be by myself till I was right.

When I was in my late teens I found this site and it was like electricity. The kick was that I was convinced by my religion it was bad. Contrast that with lately, I could read stories, my dick didn't even twitch, and later through sheer physical manipulation get myself erect, and then have an orgasm a little or even a lot of time later, but there was zero feeling in it, no self love. For whatever reason I read stories tonight, was a little aroused and read for a while, but when I put my phone down & started to touch myself, it was like WHAM. I just became hyper aware of my own body and I loved everything about it for it's own sake FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! I was so moved by it that I decided to prolong it by writing about it before I came.

I submitted a story for the first time a few days ago, but I didn't have any strong feelings about it. There have been a few brief times in my life that I have fantasized about being with a man. It was as if all that came back and I was two people, one the "mental" me, who has sometimes had halfhearted fantasies about men, and then the physical me, and the mental me did a double take and the garbage mental conditioning that has plagued me dropped away and I was playing with the physical me with relish literally for the first time ever. It made me wonder if this is how everybody would be if the atmosphere was more sex positive. But I'm selfish at heart. If it stays like this with me, I'll be totally satisfied. It was like seeing color for the first time. I can conceive of someone reading this and in the back of their mind saying, "Well duh, of course your own body should be erotic." I didn't drop everything & write for that person. As far as this being an actual orientation with me a la Darlington, I'm going to play around with that idea for awhile. Feels empowering at the moment not to need another person in any way sexually. Someone may read this though who has been through the abuse/religion mind warp and it might help and that's why I wrote it, and also to record the experience for myself. A friend in recovery from some things once quipped to me, "My life, sucking less and less every day." Had to add that.