My urge to watch my friend masturbate, and to expose myself to him, became overwhelming, and my deep embarassment lasted for a long time.
And so began Part Two of this story... My young jackin' friend Billy and I went to different middle schools after about a year of sleepovers, and I became a frequent masturbator, often thinking of his little prick, with a few dark black hairs. I also fantasized about several girls in our neighborhood, and quickly had a young girlfriend.
I'd mostly forgotten Billy until one day out at a park, I ran into Billy, I hadn't seen him for a long time, and he said he was going hiking on Saturday and did I want to come. 'Sure' I said.
Well, during the days before our hike, I got obsessed with wanting to see Billy's penis, and his balls and to see how hairy he was. I was very concerned with my development (I was a little late), and intensely wanted to compare with him. Also I had all those memories of jacking-together, and my overwhelming desire to be naked with my buddy.
More than watching Billy, I really, really wanted Billy to see me with a big hard on, and see how I came, and the hair that was now around my balls. I had an exhibitionist streak at school, nothing obvious, but I really loved the thought that someone saw my balls flopping, and my penis bouncing in front of me in the locker room, and I spent a long time in the showers relishing being seen naked.
So I wanted to be naked with Billy. After all, we were older now, masturbation wasn't so new, and it seemed certain that he would want to jack off together, too.
So on Saturday I carefully packed some Vaseline, and towels to sit on, and some tissues, and I figured it was natural that Billy would want to join me in jerking off again, like we did before. Because we were older now, maybe we could watch each other, and compare out sizes and hair and everything.
Well, I was very wrong. We hiked along, talking about this and that, but mostly what was on my mind was getting away from other people, and how I was going to pop the question to my friend. Well, when finally the time seemed right, my heart was beating, and I must have been red in the face, but as nervous as I was, I would not stop what I was going to suggest.
'Hey, Billy...I brought some Vaseline and stuff. You want to watch each other jack off?' Billy got really uptight immediately, fired back 'You're a homo!' , turned around and headed down the path. I was totally crushed and embarrassed, and at that age, had no understanding of what was going on with Billy-or me, for that matter. I was just totally humiliated and upset, and I got sick to my stomach. I never saw Billy again.
In the years after that, even though I had a good and pretty active sex life, I NEVER talked about masturbation to anyone. Even when guys were making jokes and stuff, it was really hard for me to say anything. Billy's words haunted me, and though I'm definitely not gay, I worried that either I might be, or (worse, it seemed), other people might think I was. It became a 'dirty secret', even though about other things sexual I could talk and be open and, in fact, was pretty wild.
Masturbation for me became a totally private thing, that I was afraid to share with anyone.