I have been told I am very mature for my age and I am a deep, deep thinker. (I did GCSEs at 14 and A'levels a year later. I also entered University at 16, two years younger than most, so I have something of a brain, I think. Even so....
There is, I think, a dark side to all matters sexual. I certainly have one. I remember when I started to masturbate at the age of 13. Initially, it was enough to get those lovely feelings down there and to have an orgasm. But soon, it was no longer enough just to touch myself. I had to fantasise too. Initially, of course, this was boys, and boys 'bits'. But it soon varied to me thinking about other girls too.
However, that was then. Now, my masturbatory fantasies are darker. Sometimes much darker. Here are three of them that I use regularly.
1) I am 16 and about to leave for Uni. Back at home, my family are nervous for me, but also excited. Apart from my brother. He is jealous as all hell and has been a total arse to me since it was discoverd I was going. (All true in life so far... now the fantasy) I don't want to leave home with this atmosphere so I go to Chris's room and knock. I am rewarded by a really sullen 'yeah? WOT!' from within. I push his door open. I am almost frightened by what I see. His face is sufused with anger and literally, dark. He fists are clenched and the anger he feels within pervades the room. I walk towards him and sit on his bed. 'Chris. I don't want to leave home like this. Please, let's make up' He sneers at me and gets off the bed. He walks around to stand in front of me and looks down at me. 'You bitch. You think you're oh, sooooo clever don't you.' I stutter something about not being able to help how smart I am but that he will get to uni too. Then he says 'You know what? I'll give you a going away present.' Then he launches himself at me and pushes me backwards on his bed. I feel him groping my breasts and rummaging around between my legs and between us. I don't know if he is trying to masturbate me, but if he is, he is nowhere near me. Then I feel a sudden stab of pain as he enters me. In my fantasy, my brother rapes me on his bed, while in real life, I am masturbating furiously, violently always using something inside me that is a little too big. In the fantasy, Chris shoots his load in me and makes me pregnant. I always come hard and long and very very wetly.
2) I am at Uni. My dorm house has eight bedrooms and there are two girls in each. My room mate Sarah is a little shorter than me, black hair, and the most piercing green eyes you could imagine. She is lovely, friendly and great fun. (Again, so true in life so far. The fantasy begins... I walk into our room late one night. It is gone 11:00 and Sarah is not expecting me back that night. I was supposed to have gone home for the weekend, but the damn train broke down and I walked ten miles back to Uni. I open the door and my nostrils are hit with the scent of incense which permates the room. Not the sweet, cloying incense you get in a church. This is sweet, but it has a sting to it too. It makes me dizzy. But not as dizzy as what Sarah is doing. She is robed in a black dress and there is a large pentagram on the floor. There are a number of objects on a table including a chalice and what looks like a very sharp knife. Sarah is startled to see me but as I open my mouth to speak she places one elegant finger on her lips and I lapse into silence. I feel riveted by those eyes, it is not that I don't want to speak. I no longer have the capacity. Sarah sways a little and I find myself matching her movements. She seems to be in my head now. I have the strongest urge to undress and I do so until I am standing naked before her. Sarah smiles and steps to one side and glances at the large table in the middle of the pentagram. I walk to it and I lay down on my back with my legs together, but one knee raised. Sarah stands next to me and chants something. It is almost melodic and it fills me with a warmth. She lifts her chalice and dips something cold onto my stomach. I feel the fluid run down my sides. Then she drops some onto my breasts and I gasp with the coolness of it. Then I feel Sarah raising my other knee until both my heels are against my bottom. Next I feel her part them. I am totally exposed to her. She takes the knife and holds it before my eyes. It looks wikedly sharp on both sides of the blade, but my attention is riveted on the handle. It is about 12 inched long and thick. It is carved, quite crudely as a phalus. Sarah moves to between my legs and turns the knife in her hand so she is holding the blade. A fleeting concern passes through me. It is sharp.. she will cut her hand. Then I feel the handle pressing inside me. Sarah's chanting rises in pitch and tempo and I feel her other hand on my clitoris. I feel a deep warmth spreading through me and within my belly an orgasm starts to build. I come. But unlike the former fantasy, this is like a huge, unrelenting wave. It seems to be unceasing. I feel my vagina contract upon the handle of the knife until the muscles ache. Finally, it subsides and Sarah removes it from me. She lays it on the table beside me and I see the two cuts it has made on her palm. Able to move now, I take her hand in mine and kiss it. (In reality, Sarah and I have not yet done anything to each other, although we have simultaneously masturbated)
3) I am in a lecture. The lecturer is a young research student. Brilliant, but arrogant. He obviously does not have much time for female students and his attitudes to women are archaic. He really does believe we should be at home looking after the house. Still.. he IS brilliant and despite himself, a first rate teacher. All the same, many of us despise him because he despises us. (The fantasy begins) After a lecture, I remain behind after the other students have gratefully piled out of the door. I am angry beyond words, and determined not to take any more of his sexist crap. But it will do me no good merely to bawl him out. I have to play this game well. I approach him in the office at the back of the lecture theatre. 'Mr Allan. Might I have a word?' He treats me to that oh-so arrogant smirk. 'If you think you have any words that will engage my attention.' he drawls. I walk in and, unbidden, sit on one of the chairs. I lock eyes with him and will him not to look away. Perhaps something of Sarah's witchcraft is at play, because he doesn't. I begin to talk. 'You hate women. You hate us being here, in this University. You despise us and resent every morself of knowledge you give us because you think we are subserviant to men and that we have nothing you need. Well, you are about to be proven wrong. You like proofs in all forms, so this should be enjoyable for you.' As I talk I allow my legs to part. Involuntarilly he glances up my long legs to the small white 'V' I know is now visible to him. 'You see, you are already captivated. You want to see me don't you. You are already wondering what I look like naked, what it would be like to finger me, to fuck me, to make me scream with your cock in me.' I pull my knickers to one side. 'You see? I am totally shaved. You want me don't you?' He nods, but still that irritating smirk is there. 'You will never have me, but you WILL now what you are missing.' I lift my t shirt and expose my breasts to him. He starts to speak but I silence him 'Shut up, you insignificant little whelp' I lift my skirt to my waist and pull my now wet knickers to my ankles. I flop back in my chair and begin to masturabte. Mr Allan again attempts to speak. 'No. You will watch me orgasm. You will revel in my sexuality in the full knowledge that for the rest of your life you will wonder what it would have been like to have me. You could have, you know, but now you never will.' The orgasm is powerful forcing me to squirt, something that can happen with me but is rare. Of course, squirting orgasms are powerful beyond words and this one wrenches a stream of cries and obscenties from me. I finish my orgasm and flop back in the chair looking and to some extent feeling like a whore.
Mr Allan smirks and turns his back on me. Then, he speaks to the webcam I had not seen. 'I am sorry about that, Professor, but as I predicted, some of these female students really are beneath contempt. I hope that you and the other conference delegates agree.'
Mr Allan turns the large monitor on his desk to face me and I see the conference room fillied with most of the faculty.
I am so embarrassed, I wet myself. (In reality this gives me a totally different orgasm. This is almost painful and yes, in reality I do allow myself to urinate immediately after the orgasm subsides, usually INTO my knickers.
And what of reality? Sex with a man? No, not yet, but some mutual masturbation and I love both giving and receiving oral sex. With Sarah? As I said earlier, we started by having an unwritten rule that if we wanted to masturbate at night, the other would just ignore it, but it quickly led to us lying in our own beds masturbating at the same time. Then we used to deliberately invite one another to watch. I have smelt her knickers a couple of times and she has asked me if she can do the same with mine. It was great watching her get off while smelling my knickers and I have no doubt whatsoever we will experiment more this term.
My fantasies remain, as I said, dark. Although I have started to experiment with masturbation in public places. The Uni playing fields, for example or the library. When I do that, I have far gentler, more romantic fantasies, perhaps there might be a place for them here?