When I first masturbated, I didn't really know what I was doing. I just knew it felt good, and that it had something to do with my feelings about girls.
My mother kept lifestyle magazines in the bathroom. Well, one of them had a couple of ads that caught my nine-year-old eye. One was a pantyhose advert featuring a perfect pair of female legs. I remember wishing I could feel them; I would daydream about running my hands along the edges and gently pushing my fingers beneath the fabric. It was probably the first time I got an erection solely because I was thinking about a girl, even though she wasn't real and I couldn't see her face.
At first, I would just imagine any face, but then I found another ad. This time it was for some kind of hair curlers or something. I remember they came in a variety of gaudy oh-so-eighties colors and they resembled worms. In the 'after' picture, the sandy-blonde model seemed to stare straight at me. I'll never forget her green eyes and full lips. So the legs finally had a face.
I would rub my erection against my thigh or my stomach and stare at those two pictures. Keep in mind, I was nine. The only thing I knew about sex was what my parents told me, which frankly sounded pretty disgusting at the time. So I really didn't think of what I was doing as sexual. I just knew that it was thrilling, and that I should keep it secret.
Eventually, I got an idea, use my hand to simulate a vagina! I laid the two pictures flat on the floor and wrapped my hand into a tube shape. Then I got down on my stomach and penetrated my own hand. I thought I was quite the little genius as I thrust my penis into my hand.
I remember thinking, 'This feels much better than before!' The model's green eyes smiled up at me as I humped my hand faster and faster. The strangest thing is, I wasn't thinking about fucking. What I really wanted to do was kiss her.
Finally, it happened: I called it 'the feeling.' I didn't hear the word orgasm until years later, long after my fantasies became more complex and much dirtier. But back then, it was just something really cool that happened after making love to my models.