I had always just assumed that I was completely straight until last weekend.
I'm a freshman in college and my roommate is a lesbian. At first when she told me it made me uncomfortable (I'm from a small religious town and had never even met a gay person before college) and I didn't want to change my clothes or sit too close to her because I thought she might try to hit on me. I know, it seems stupid now! Or maybe because of what happened, not so stupid?
Anyway, as the semester went on, we got to know each other better and would often stay up late watching movies and singing old songs from the '90's at the top of our lungs and talking about stuff, like how she grew up in a small town like me and couldn't really tell anyone about her sexuality. But she said I had probably met more lesbians than I thought, just that in really religious families you have to be so careful and sneak around so you don't get caught.
One night, when I was sitting across from her on her bed talking about the Church and it's views on sex, I told her about how I used to sneak around with my boyfriend and confessed (to the first person ever!) that he had taken my virginity last summer before I left for college but then he broke up with me after that. It was really good to finally be honest with someone about not being a virgin but it was also really upsetting to remember how he had broken up with me right after he had finally convinced me to have sex and how we hadn't even talked since. I started crying a little bit because I really thought he would marry me one day. She was so understanding, I am so lucky to have her as my best friend because she didn't think I was stupid to believe it would last forever and she said she knew how hard it is with your first love and then started telling me about how the same kind of break-up had happened with her first girlfriend when she was 15, except that they had spent three months having sex all the time and suddenly the girl broke up with her and started dating a guy. When she was saying all of this and talking about how it was good I hadn't had sex with him more than once because every time you have sex with someone you fall in love with them a little more, my mind was racing. I didn't understand what she meant by 'had sex' with a girl. I didn't think two girls could have sex.
When she paused and things were silent for a minute, I hugged my knees to my chest and asked her softly: 'How do two girls have sex? I don't get how that's possible.' I thought she was going to start laughing or call me naïve but she didn't. I only looked up once while she was talking but she was looking right at me and there was no mocking or anything in her eyes. I think she was glad to be able to tell me directly. Even though my question was a general one, she answered like she was re-living old memories and kept using the words 'I' and 'we' when she talked. So as I was staring down at the floor I started to picture her touching and licking another girl and my face flushed because those images in my mind were making me really, really turned on. When I shifted my legs a little, I could feel how slick and wet I was, I don't think I had ever been that wet before, not when I first found this website in high school and not even when my boyfriend and I would make out and grind in my bedroom when my parents were gone. And definitely not when he finally convinced me to have sex with him.
But I started to get really nervous. Did she know? Could she tell? I didn't want to move my legs because I could feel the wet patch on my underwear where my pubic hair was matted and I was scared I might soak through my pyjamas and onto her bed. And I was scared she could smell how turned on I was. I was pretty sure I could smell my own scent as the liquid kept dripping out of me and I thought that maybe since she was a lesbian she could smell it too. By the time she started describing how to do oral sex on a girl, I was throbbing. Throbbing!! When she said the word 'sucking,' I swear to G-d I could almost feel her mouth and tongue on my clit and I didn't mean to but suddenly I gasped a shuddering inhalation of breath, which I faked as a yawn.
'Aw, I'm sorry,' she said, 'you're tired and this is probably all boring and gross for you to hear anyway. I didn't mean to get so off topic about your boyfriend.' She put her hand on my knee and rubbed it sympathetically. I thought I was going to come right there. I wanted to feel her hand inching down into my pajama pants, I wanted her to stroke the outside of the cotton on my underwear, I wanted her to rub my clit between her finger and thumb while she pressed her own soaked pussy right up against mine, wanted her to curl her fingers inside of me and make me gush liquid all over, wanted her to put her tongue inside of me and suck my clit, I wanted her to do everything she'd done with those other girls before. I wanted to do them to her, too.
But all I could do was whisper: 'No, it isn't gross to me.'Okay, well I'm going to brush my teeth 'cause we should really go to sleep. It's almost 3 a.m. and I've got to be up at 9!' she said and bounced off the bed and into the bathroom. I got off her bed and into my own, turning toward the wall. I was so confused, I was feeling so many things at once. But my crotch was still throbbing. All semester, when I'd wanted to touch myself I did it when she was in class or out with her other friends, but I knew there was NO way I could wait until the next morning so when she came back from the bathroom and turned off the light, I waited for what seemed like forever before I heard her breathing become steady and regular. I slid my hand down into my panties, which were soaked and matted against me. At first, there was too much liquid to rub my clit my finger kept sliding off, so I scooped my juices out with two fingers and then (being careful to avoid getting the sticky liquid all over my pyjamas or the mattress) I lifted my fingers to my mouth and tasted them. I'd never done that before and I liked it, I liked the salty sweetness. I did it again and this time closed my eyes and imagined it was my roommate's juices I was licking, trying to flick my tongue and roll it around like she'd described doing to other girls.
I dried my fingers on my pyjamas and began masturbating again. This time, my finger didn't slide off and I knew it wasn't going to take long to come, my clit felt huge and throbbed with an urgency that made me understand what my boyfriend meant by 'blue balls.' I think it took maybe three circular strokes, imagining my roommate's head bent down in between my legs, before I started to come. I came and came and thought I'd never stop coming. My back was arched off the bed and I felt a trickle of hot liquid dripping down over my hand and I tried to be quiet but it felt so good that I let out a few cries and moans and hoped they weren't as loud as they felt. When the orgasm subsided and my legs had started to twitch and shake, my head felt fuzzy and my ears were ringing. I couldn't believe how hard I'd come. I had never come that hard in my life. And I didn't want to change out of my soaked musky underwear because I wanted to hold onto that amazing feeling as long as I could.
I'm going to write about what happened the next day in another entry. Is it possible to become a lesbian if you've never been a lesbian before? I'm so scared that this is what is happening to me but I've never felt so good in my life.