Shedding My Guilt and Helping Another Do the Same (And Why Fundamentalist Christianity Can Be So Damaging)

Posted by: Age: 16/17 then, 30 now Posted on: 20 comments
24 likes 6870 views Category: Female-Male Tags: christianity cyber sex

A brief history about the crippling guilt that can come from religion, and my experiences shedding my guilt and enjoying online mutual masturbation with a young man.

 

First of all, I don't want to offend any Christians or other religious people here. I am a very open-minded person and I understand that religion brings comfort to many people. I respect that, but in this story, I will be criticizing some of the consequences of a literal interpretation of the bible, so if that offends you, you might not want to finish reading.


In my first story, which you can find on my profile, I touched briefly on my sheltered upbringing, which contributed to my somewhat late discovery of masturbating and having my first orgasm at age 16. This was because my parents were, and still are, bible literalist Christians. They believe the world was created by god 6,000 years ago and that evolution is an evil lie. They also believe that god created sex to be experienced ONLY between a married man and woman. Any other sexual thoughts or experiences are sins and need to be suppressed. This, of course, includes masturbation. I won't belabor the fairly depressing facts of my upbringing, other than to remind you from my first story that we were pulled out of public school and homeschooled early on, so my parents could better control us and have us read bible-based textbooks. This also meant almost no interacting with peers, no sex education (beyond a bible-based book) and no unsupervised Internet time.


As I wrote in my story, I was now definitely addicted to masturbating, but I would still feel guilty after my orgasm was over. 16 years of church services and brainwashing will do that to you! I can remember crying and asking god to forgive me for feeling lust outside of marriage. I also had been taught that I was cheating my future husband out of the purity that was rightfully his, and I began to worry about that too. Purity is a very big deal for fundamentalist Christians. But I wasn't quite worried enough to stop!


Not too long after my wonderful first orgasm at the bookstore, I was lucky enough to figure out the password to the family computer that sat in the middle of the house and was only allowed to be used when our parents were watching us. This meant that I could wait until my parents were asleep and sneak out and use the Internet unsupervised for the first time in my life. I was worried that my parents could trace my browsing history, even if I cleared it, so I was pretty conservative with my browsing. The erotic books I bought at the bookstore were still my main source of education and masturbation material for awhile to come.


So instead of browsing porn or erotica online, I checked out the AOL chat rooms, which were very popular at the time. It was in a Christian chat room that I became acquainted with a guy around my age who was also homeschooled, so we had a lot in common. We struck up a long term online friendship through e-mails and IMs, and slowly, over time, we got more and more daring in what we would talk about. To begin with, we'd talk about our desires to keep pure, but we began testing the limits and dropping little hints. He would say something like "It was a real struggle for me to avert my eyes when an immodestly dressed woman walked by at the store yesterday, and I didn't quite succeed in keeping my thoughts pure." I know that sounds laughable, but this is the way these people think! Every time our chats would move in that direction, I'd get very turned on and try to find ways to keep the conversation going. I'd talk about my desire to dress modestly to keep my Christian brothers from stumbling, but I also suspected it was turning both of us on when I would talk about skirt length, making sure underwear didn't show, bathing suits, etc.


I found out a little later on that he was just as aroused as I was during these conversations. Over the course of months, we slowly went further and further, until he admitted that he had signed a pledge saying he promised never to masturbate. He had an accountability partner, a youth leader in his church, who was counseling him on how to control his lust and avoid the temptation to masturbate. I dont know how in the world a poor 17-year-old boy could ever hope to control his lust without masturbating, but he was trying! I, of course, felt like a harlot in comparison (although of course I was a virgin!), because I'd been masturbating every day of our communication, sometimes while IMing him. I asked him if it was hard to honor his pledge, and he answered, "Oh, it's very hard, and I mean that in more ways than one, haha." He said that despite his no masturbation pledge, he'd been having wet dreams, which really made him feel guilty and ashamed. He finally got around to admitting that sometimes the wet dreams he had involved me, and apologized that he couldn't control the sexual content of the dreams.


One time he admitted, I dreamed it was our wedding night. This made me seriously wet and throbbing! He had dreamed about having sex with me and had cum in his sleep? I had to rub my aching clit right then and there until I came hard, visualizing the two of us having sex on our wedding night. That was also the first time I inserted a finger, come to think of it. My time spent in the AOL Christian chat rooms was having an interesting effect. People there were all over the Christian spectrum, including some of those liberal Christians my parents had warned me about, who dared to suggest that maybe not all the stories in the bible were literally true, and that the most important thing was just to be a good person and help others, forgetting all the fire and brimstone doctrine. I was intrigued by the possibility that maybe god wasn't up there burning with anger when people succumbed to the natural urge to touch themselves. These days, I don't really believe god is there at all, but that's another story! At the time, it was radical enough for me to be considering embracing a more liberal and permissive form of Christianity, and I was anxious to share it with my friend. My guilt over masturbating had been lessening the more I chatted with liberal Christians, and it was really freeing. I put him in touch with some of the people who had helped me let go of my guilt, and admitted to him that I'd been masturbating daily, sometimes during our chats.


After my masturbation confession, he abruptly signed off and I didnt hear from him for a few days. I cried a lot, thinking I'd lost my friend forever and that he thought I was a sinful, dirty person. Finally, he reappeared and told me he was soul searching, but wanted to continue chatting. After that, our chats took a decidedly more sexual turn, although we did chat about a lot of other things too. I got to the point where I was bold enough to start sharing how I liked to touch myself, and would tell him what I was doing and how good it felt. He didn't join in right away, and would sometimes say things like "This isn't how a godly young man is supposed to think," but eventually, he got just as bold as me and we began thoroughly enjoying our IM cyber sex sessions.


I was utterly fascinated by his descriptions of how hard he was, how his balls would ache if he waited too long to come, and how his semen shot out in spurts. I knew all these basics from my books, but it was so arousing to have a real friend sharing these details with me. He in turn was fascinated by my descriptions of female anatomy, and astonished to hear about the clit, which he knew nothing about. I remember I would get so aroused as the evening progressed and I knew I was getting closer to my special chat time with my friend! He confessed to me finally that he had actually come spontaneously in his pants when I had told him I masturbated daily, which was why he abruptly signed off and had to deal with that guilt. I still enjoy thinking about that!


When I started college, my views continued to change, and I found myself drifting further and further away from Christianity, while he remained much more committed. We were both busier and chatted less, and eventually he got serious with a young woman from his church, and I began my first relationship too. It amuses me now to remember that he and I once had a long discussion about whether or not it was sinful to speak god's name while coming. (Fundamentalist Christians believe its a sin to say "Oh my god" because it means you're using god's name lightly, without proper reverence.) I remember arguing that it could mean you were praising god because coming felt so good! What a funny thing to worry about, either way!


Our chatting had grown far more sporadic when I heard from him again, telling me he was engaged. He said he was still planning on remaining a virgin until his wedding night, and that he was sure my explanations on how I liked to touch myself would come in handy! I hope that was true, and I wished him well. We're actually Facebook friends now, and he's still into church, but it sounds like he never did go back to the extreme version of Christianity, and all the guilt and sexual repression that goes along with it, so I like to think that his life was made happier thanks to my persistence!


By the way, I still sometimes invoke the name of the Almighty that I no longer believe in when I come! Old habits die hard, I guess. Speaking of which, writing this has been very arousing and I think I need to go praise god, if you know what I mean! If you made it through this very wordy story, thank you!

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