I masturbated for the first time with someone, a man. He has opened the way for me to enjoy myself in a way no other man or woman has done or even attempted. It was a wonderful way of being known. His fluid movements and touching reached into me to a depth of release I had not before experienced. He encouraged me, talked with me, enjoyed me for my expression of self love.
I have only begun to touch on the surface levels of this expression. I want to reach to more fulfilling depths of my being. The passion that is in me waiting for release. My body throbs with the anticipation at the slightest hint of honoring this love.
And that's where the change has occurred. Before I heard his words and passion for masturbation as an expression of self love I thought and felt as though my masturbating was a degraded form of sex. I was incapable of entering into a relationship with a man to fuck me, so I would masturbate as a consolation rather than as a celebration of and for me.
It is so revitalizing to experience the truth of the desire to give myself pleasure through my body. I started to understand this when I masturbated with the magnifying mirror in front of me. I could see my fingers giving me the stroking and penetrating movements and I could see my body responding with that lovely creamy foam exuding from my red lucsiously swollen lips. But I could also feel from within me, that sense of me who was moving my fingers and me who was receiving the pressure and tantalizing touch.
It wasn't long before my whole body was enveloped in the pleasure. My temperature rose, my muscles vibrated, my back arched, my nipples hardened and throbbed, my heart pounded stronger, my breathing became rapid and my voice moaned with release. My whole sense of self became alive. I became in those moments, complete.
It was different with him. I started at a more full sense of being. There was no sense of neediness or having to perform in a way that was not me. When he came to me I was fully open to my love for myself and for him. There were no feelings of possession or lust. I was filled with desire to express the tenderness and exuberance of love that I was feeling through me and from him.
As I said it was different from any other experience. It was fun, joyful, fulfilling, satisfying. To see him masturbate to watch his face, his hands, to hear his voice and feel the resonance of his release, to watch him touch his scrotum and penis with such love and attention, to see his semen cupped in his hand, to take some in my fingers and taste his fluid essence was such a marvelous awakening for me. His laughter and smile, his eyes bright, his beautiful body all thrilled me.
But it was him being honest in his expression of love that brought me to a place in myself that I have not been before. It was such a forward movement. My fear, anxiety, shame and frustration about me went away from me. That's not to say that I am healed of these feelings but their potency will not again be the same.
Knowing that he was watching me I wanted to show him more. I wanted to share with him as much of myself as could be. I wanted him to receive my love for myself just as I was receiving his love for himself and his desire to share with me. That was my way of expressing my love for him, the love that is his from me, and that will be in me, for him, all ways whether he is with me or at a distance.