Sexually Attracted to my Baby Pillow

When I was very young, I had a favorite baby pillow that I used to take with me everywhere like a security blanket. One day, when I was getting my diaper changed, my mom had to go and do something and I was left half-naked on the bed. I suddenly needed to pee badly and not knowing any better, I took my baby pillow and pulled it up against my crotch like a diaper, letting a full bladder's worth of pee soak the pillow. I thought what I did was pretty clever, but my mom thought otherwise. I got scolded and yelled at and had my pillow thrown straight into the wash, which was a traumatic experience for me as well. It was then that I knew that peeing into the pillow was a bad thing to do. From then on, any chance I got, I would sneakily whip out my dick and pee a little on my pillow. It became a challenge of mine, seeing how much piss I could get on my pillow without my parents noticing or finding out. It was like a little act of rebellion and I would get very excited every time I did it. Something that I would often do is to pee on my pillow before going out on a family outing so that it would dry before we got back. When I grew a little older and got a room of my own, I would take the pillow and rub it against my crotch and squeeze it between my legs whenever I was alone by myself. It added to the pleasure I was already feeling when I peed on it. It was not until I got my first orgasm while squeezing the pillow between my legs and cumming all over it did I realize the feeling was actually sexual in nature. After all this time, I had grown a strong association between my pillow and "forbidden pleasure". Before I knew it, I was getting sexually aroused by my pillow and the act of soiling or dirtying the pillow in general. Every time I thought of it or looked at it, I would get an erection. To clarify, I wasn't dependent on it like a security blanket. I could spend long stretches of time away from home and I didn't need to have it with me everywhere I went. I was aroused by girls and could get off to porn all the same. It's just that in my mind, my pillow was just as arousing, if not more so. A regular masturbation session for me included me smelling it, rubbing the pillow all over my crotch, wrapping it around my dick and jerking myself off. The cloth just felt so amazing on my dick and it really felt like I was being enveloped by my pillow whenever I did this. It's not any pillow that would get me aroused, it was just this particular pillow with this particular design and print. Heck, just looking at the print on it got me hard and I wouldn't be satisfied until I smeared my cum on it. Speaking of which, in addition to pee, I would now cum on it whenever I could. It soon became my regular cum pillow and I would cum on it hundreds upon hundreds of times over the course of months before washing it. Seeing it get yellower and yellower and crustier and crustier was arousing in and of itself. I would sometimes get my friends over and have fap parties where I would get everyone to jerk off on it and wipe their dicks on it. I wanted my pillow to be associated with anything to do with sex and I would often have fantasies of my pillow being used in porn or in AB/DL videos. Sometimes, I would pretend I was a baby and use it like a diaper, peeing in it just like I did all those years ago when this first started. It was exhilarating, letting my bladder loose in the pillow and ejaculating on it after. There are several things I always wanted to do with it that I never managed to do because I was afraid of being caught or found out. I wanted to leave it for days in a public toilet or at the junkyard or in a back alley or in a forest to get filthy. I wanted to tie it to the wheel of my car and drive around on muddy tracks. I wanted to wear it under my underpants and go out in public with it. I wanted to use the pillowcase as a garbage bag/sandbag/manure bag. I wanted to let my neighbor's dog play with it as a chew toy or even hump it. Just fantasizing about these things got me aroused as hell. The reason everything is in the past tense is because, needless to say, the pillow did not survive this abuse for long. The print on it began to fade and the fabric got thinner and thinner and I had to toss it out when it became nothing more than pieces of cloth held together by dried cum. Because of this loss, my fap sessions have never been as exciting as they had been. It was no longer as involved and the same level of engagement just wasn't there. Sure, I have a great sex life and I enjoy porn all the same, but nothing has ever gotten me more sexually aroused than my baby pillow.