Sexuality as a Constant in Life

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Sexuality as a Constant in Life

I hesitated to write into this list, but after reading "Lisa"'s contribution, I didn't want her to feel like she is the only woman with an active sex life, masturbation life, and sex drive.

To the contrary, I have always felt like my sex life (whether solo or with others) was a constant in my life, ever since I was young. I actually never remember not masturbating. For all I know I masturbated as an infant, but I definitely remember masturbating ever since I was about 4 years old, which is as far back as I can recall any actual memories. From as early as I could remember, from time to time while sitting - in a chair, on a couch, wherever - I would cross my legs (either at the knee or the ankle), clench them together rather tightly, and sort of rub and grind them until I achieved this incredible feeling in my crotch which would last for about 10 or 20 seconds or so. The feeling spread from my crotch outward to my legs, feet, arms, and hands, and finally up to my head and into my brain where I experienced this incredible sort of "brain orgasm" - very intense and to this day I have never been able to find the words to describe how it feels, only that it is a natural human instinct to enjoy, want, and crave it. As I masturbated, at first I would do it in a casual sort of way, just rubbing a bit, but then invariably the feelings and sensations would increase until I felt this terrible urgency to do it harder and stronger until I knew I couldn't stop even if my life depended on it (or worse, even if someone noticed me and what I was doing!) - somehow the need for orgasm was so intense as I masturbated that I knew it was something my body (even my young little body) needed. To this day, I still masturbate the same way (although I have experimented, and have other methods too - but this is my "basic" method, even when with a partner.)

When I was young, I never knew that this was called "masturbation", only that it was something that I did which felt really good. Even when my mom talked to me about masturbation when I was about 12 or so, telling me that people touch themselves and that it feels good and is called masturbation and is totally normal, I didn't immediately connect that with what I did, because when people talked about masturbation, they always talked about touching one's genitals with one's hands or fingers, and I have never done this. (In fact, I have tried it, and it doesn't work for me.) So for a while, I was confused, and wondered if what I did with my legs was also masturbation? Finally I realized it was one and the same, and I was silently thankful to my mom for not instilling in me any crazy ideas of repressing my own innate sexuality, but instead for giving me permission to enjoy it.

I masturbated steadily through high school, anywhere from a few times a week, to every day. Occasionally I would have days where I would do it several times in a row (maybe the most being 7-10 times), the first orgasm being the hardest to achieve, the second really easy and quick since I was already aroused from the first, and it being easy from there, until I got to about 5, where after that achieving orgasm was harder and the orgasms were weaker (although still a good feeling of release), but I still did it just for the hell of it, the ride, etc.

Interestingly enough, I didn't have any boyfriends in high school (although I was certainly a very sexual little kid growing up), nor did I have any the first half of college. Finally when I was 19, I met a wonderful male friend in my dorm who became my first boyfriend, and who I stayed with for 3 loving years. He was a great friend and lover, and we had lots of fun together, both in and out of bed. One of the first things we did together in bed was hold each other, face to face, lying down, and rub against each other, and I remember if I did this, even with full clothing on, while tensing my body and holding my legs very close together and grinding them a little bit toward the end, while thrusting my pelvis against his, I would come, and it was very much the same process and feeling as masturbating alone. One thing we used to do a lot was masturbate in front of each other and hold each other as we came. We also had sex by him putting his penis between my thighs, me gripping my legs together and grinding, him lying on top of me - this led to a good orgasm for each of us. Of course we also had intercourse, and enjoyed it, although I was never able to come just from that, and still can't (10 years later). I remember learning that being sexual with someone else, especially someone who accepts and celebrates your sexuality along with his own, was even better than being sexual alone, and when we were separated (when I studied abroad for 6 months), I missed it very much and we had lots of hot phone conversations about missing each other's bodies, as well as each other's companionship in general. Sometimes this obsessive missing sex worried me and I asked him if he thought I was a "nymphomaniac" to miss sex so much and he said, "No, I think you have a healthy sex drive, and you're a very healthy girl." I still love him for helping me come to accept my sex drive as normal and not something crazy or dirty or sinful. I think there isn't too much positive reinforcement for young women trying to come to terms with intense sex drive. Somehow we are supposed to have a lower sex drive than our male partners, are not supposed to "want it" too much, are supposed to "set limits" when first dating our boyfriends, etc. Well, when I am attracted to a man, I have never found that my sex drive was any lower than theirs. At times it was higher, but most of the time I simply found that we were delightfully in sync, both wanting sex a lot! Although I have had my share of stormy relationships - emotionally - with men (being in my early 30's already), one thing I was pleased to discover is that when it comes to sex, most men are a lot more healthy and open than most women, I think. I have been sexual (to varying degrees) with a number of men by this point, and the vast majority were incredibly responsive, appreciative of me being responsive in bed, sexually giving, open, willing to try new things, willing to do anything for my pleasure, willing to let me do anything for my pleasure, including pleasure myself. So that has been really great.

Since dating that first boyfriend, I also started to experiment with different ways to masturbate. One day in the bathtub while studying abroad that 6-month period, I noticed that our shower had a hand-held shower head. I promptly got into the bathtub, filled it partly up with warm water, and let the shower head spray a stream of water onto my clitoris. Exquisite. My body immediately responded and I let the water stream get heavier and thicker as my body screamed for more. Soon I was rocking back and forth in the tub, my legs and crotch hugging the shower head to my clit, as I exploded into a truly beautiful (and incredibly intense) orgasm. Of course I repeated this experience almost every day for the rest of the semester, and shared my new experience with my body with my boyfriend back home. He was almost equally happy for me and impressed!

Upon arriving back in the States, I bought a vibrator, and found that it could also provide an incredible, VERY intense, and very quick orgasm. (I found it was so intense that it was necessary for me to press it against my crotch only with a few blankets, comforters, etc. between me and the vibrator) The best, though, was learing to delay my orgasm with the vibrator, so that I could get to that pre-orgasmic cusp, stay there for a while, riding the incredible waves of pleasure for as long as possible, feeling SO good, better than I ever felt possible, and then turn off the vibrator when I felt like I would come. Wait ten seconds or so, and then start the incredible beautiful process again, build up the pleasure, stay there for as long as possible, and then turn it off when I thought I was about to come. I could usually do this several times, but finally would just make a decision that I HAD to come this time, and let the waves ride over me, the vibrator pulling the most intense, physically strongest orgasm from me, keeping the head of the vibrator against me, extracting more vaginal contractions from me, until I just had to stop, couldn't take it anymore, and then I would turn off the vibrator, pull the covers over my head - needing to totally withdraw from the world for a while since the sensations were so intense and over-stimulating - and just lie there for a while, getting my head back together. Often I would take a nap for an hour or so after this experience, if at all possible.

Aside from these self-pleasuring experiences, I have had several pleasurable sexual experiences with men. Often we would begin to kiss, make out, end up in bed, and I could come to a great orgasm just lying side by side, us rubbing up against each other fully clothed, my pelvis hitting theirs repeatedly, my legs tensed against each other, my clit enjoying the incredible massage we were giving it, and a final grinding to bring me off to a great orgasm. Holding a guy against me, my arm around his waist, my hands massaging his butt, smelling his smell, feeling the hardness of his chest, turning him on too - this is the best way for me to come. I also love it when I am getting myself off this way with a guy, and he talks to me just the right way, tells me in a sexy voice to come, that he wants me to come, that he knows I can do it, come on, that I am so sexy, etc. Unfailingly, this always helps me to come, and also emotionally helps me to know that he really wants me to come and to feel good. I was with one guy who as I was coming, would copy my breathing with his own. As my breath sped up, so did his, as I gasped so did he a bit. Afterwards he said he thought if he did that, and I heard it, it would help me to come. He was right! Recently I was with someone, just making out in bed, and I wanted to come,so I moved against him and brought myself to orgasm. As I did, I told him that I felt really good, and he said, "Good, I'm glad you feel good, I want you to feel good, I want to make you feel good." Again, this helped me immeasurably to come and feel good about it and him. A few months after my last serious boyfriend and I broke up, it was my birthday and I went over to his house to hang out before going out to dinner with my sister and best friend (he and I were still good friends but had not been sexual since our breakup). He gave me a nice card and thoughtful birthday gift, and then he said that if I wanted a "birthday orgasm" that would be okay too. I said okay, and we lay down in bed, and held until I had a very very nice and sweet orgasm. I helped him to come too (always a turn on for me), and finally I got out of bed to get ready to go out to dinner. What a nice birthday gift that I will never forget!

While I love to fool around and make out with men, I don't always have a serious boyfriend, and I don't usually have actual intercourse with men I'm not seriously involved with. I am open to a casual make-out session, but don't appreciate it if the guy can't deal with me civilly afterwards or feels it was too intimate and he can't face me, can't be friendly, kind, etc. when he sees me in the future. For me sex doesn't mean love always, but it does entail a lot of closeness and some inevitable intimacy, as well as a lot of kindness, giving, generosity of spirit, and sharing on the part of both parties involved. I would find it difficult to like someone enough to be sexual with them, but not enough to be able to treat them with kindness afterward.

But in the meantime, I do, in addition, have an active solo sex life, which I always enjoy. I like to masturbate in the bathroom at work and at school, at home when I am alone (I live with roommates), in bed rubbing my legs together or sometimes against a pillow or a stuffed animal. It is always pleasurable and reminds me how good it is to be alive and to be a vital and sexual person.- Anonymous

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