Most of my friends at school talked about sex. Most wanted to be wooed, courted, and my closest friends, when we talked about masturbation, their fantasies were all about being slowly seduced on a moonlit beach...that kind of thing.
Mine were so very different that I never told them the truth about what I fantasised about when I played with myself...or the violent, bed rocking orgasms I could give myself.
I don't know how these fantasies started, and I have an utter loathing of people who force others into sex, either physically or by emotional blackmail, but reality is one thing, and antsy is another.
Perhaps it started when I saw two girls fighting. They were really angry with each other and I saw one girl slap the other hard across the breasts.
Anyway, I would lie in bed at night and always, when I play with myself, I wore panties and tights.
I would run my fingers over the material covering my legs, while at the same time, whispering insults to myself. There is no doubt dirty language really does it for me. Eventually, I would make tapes, and then I learned to use a computer to disguise my voice so I could have a male insulting me, or a female that didn't sound like me.
Sometimes, I would play one of my recordings and be blindfolded too...I love that,
So, fingers stroking my legs, and the tape player running.
"You dirty little slut. Look at you. Pretending you don't like it, but all the time, your little cunt is wet isn't it? You horny little cunt. Just wait till you see what I'm going to do to you. You fucking bitch,"
By now I will be squirming, and trying to get away from the exploring fingers. I learned to have a conversation with the taped voice.
"I'm going to fuck you"
"No...please....I'm still a virgin...I'm not on the pill...please..no"
"Shut up you little cunt"
" please stop...oh please"
At this point I will rip my tights. (Mum always wondered what I did to my tights)
I will let the tape play while I yank my knickers to one side and plunge fingers or an object inside me.
As the tape plays, I fuck myself, trying to hold my orgasm at bay until the voice says
"I'm going to cum in you you fucking whore"
Then my world splinters apart as my orgasm rocks through me. Sometimes it is so strong I wet myself. I love the added humiliation of this and would sometimes deny myself pee beforehand.
When I use my girl tapes, and I talk back, I so use the names of people I know from school. Sometimes I pretend a butch dyke is forcing me, other times. I am being gang raped by my friends.
All I know is that in the real world, I loathe such things, but in bed, or if I am feeling really daring, outdoors, with my MP3 player, my masturbatory fantasies are always dark.
Sometimes, I will even reply to the tape "No. Daddy. What would mum say?"
I am 18 now and at college. I am still a virgin in the real world, but soon, I want to change that.