Just thinking about the past
I had been sick with walking pneumonia when I was 13, just after my birthday. I had to stay home from school. The doctor told my mom I had to stay in bed, rest and basically do nothing till I got better.
I rested all day in my pj's, watching TV from the couch or napping in bed. I had plenty of time to be bored, be inquisitive and discover. I thought about another time I was ill. My mom had me recuperating and told me to go to bed just with pj bottoms and no underwear. I remember having pleasant sensation down there when the loose pj bottoms touched my penis. My hand wandered down, innocently, I played with myself enjoying the feeling, the slight thrill it gave me. I had almost forgotten about... But now, at 13, with idle time, I recalled that time so long ago, and wondered if I could recreate those sensations.
So, mostly, during the day, when I was laying on the couch to watch TV, I would get all wrapped up in a blanket, nice and comfy, pull my tight white shorts down and slide my hand around my dick feeling myself. I half daydreamed just enjoying the way it felt.
I wondered if my friends could feel the same way. I thought it was awesome and a thrilling sensation to discover. I remember thinking that I have to show this discovery to my friends. During the summer we caught glimpses of one another, usually while changing to go swimming or after swim. Some of my friends looked much bigger and more developed than me. Some had much more hair than I, their privates were darker, but of course, most of the guys were older than I. It was hard not to steal a peek at them. I think we all took glances to see how we measured up to each other, but, no one really said anything.
Now, I fantasized about showing my friends these new feelings I had, I wanted to share with them how pleasant it felt to stretch your dick. I was naive yet excited to have these thoughts and wanted to share these feelings.
I took a ruler against my hard member to see how it measured up, the feeling of the ruler along side of my dick was incredible. I don't remember how long it measured, I just hoped I would soon catch up to the size of my older friends. After a while of enjoying myself, my mom walked in to the TV room to tell me she had some soup on the table for me. I know she must have noticed what I was doing. I must have blushed, I know I moved quickly to cover myself and that my heart was racing really fast. Mom, I'm certain, pretended not to notice. She never did say anything. Whew, but what a rush it created, a rush that came back many times as I grew older whenever I dared to push the envelop of getting caught exposed.
When I sat at the table eating my soup,I reached down, and pulled my dick out of the fly of my pj's. This was another first, but it just felt awesome having my privates feeling the air, being exposed with the chance of being caught even if it was under the table. As I ate my soup, I would reach down with one hand and pet myself into hardness giving me a very powerful urge. What a game I played! Every time my mom spoke, my heart would pound while I wondered if she would call me out.
Later during the afternoon, while laying back on the couch I remembered about a friend who had a foreskin. I was cut, so, I thought to stretch my loose skin over my penis head wondering what it would be like if I had that extra skin. I kept this up for awhile, until I became so hard, it became more difficult to cover my penis head.
Later that evening, before going to sleep, I was rubbing myself along the side of my leg just enjoying the thrill. After awhile, the feelings grew more intense. Then all at once, a burst of light flashed, like fireworks. My dick was now throbbing up and down on its own. I felt wetness and noticed clear liquid all over my leg, and a small amount of white stuff mixed in. I did not understand what happened at the time, but I got scared and wondered if I hurt myself.
For a few days, I worried. I thought I may have to tell someone what happened, maybe even go to the doctor. That would be terrible, everyone would find out what I had been doing. After a few days, when nothing else happened I became more bold. I could not resist the urge to repeat the episode. So, one more time, I thought I would see if the same thing would happen. The feelings came back, now only more intense. After that, I got really wrapped up in myself, in my own little world of discovery. It became more and more difficult to put masturbation out of my mind. Every night, no matter how much I tried, I could not resist. I soon began to wonder if I was normal. I began to worry what my friends would say if I told them about this 'discovery', I became scared because I thought they would think I was not normal.
So, this first discovery became my 'little secret'. I tried to cure the habit by myself. At first, I worked really hard every day to overcome the desire to repeat these masturbation sessions, but instead, every day I thought of more variations, looking to discover something more intense, more heightened feelings, a new way to jerk off. In the end, it was impossible to stop. I could not end this habit, but I tried. I never did tell anyone, not even my best friends. I grew to become more ashamed of myself. Too bad. I guess that's what happens when we become afraid. Fear makes it ever more difficult to free ourselves of our obsessions or to even attempt to share our secrets leading us to become even more lonely.
I often wonder how it would have been if I were able to share my experiences with a friend.