On violent porn, abuse, and celibacy by choice

Badly in need of a distraction late on election night here in the US, I opened the mobile version of this site during a brief break in my caregiving duties. There, I was greeted with the ad reading"18 and Abused." Several images flashed by, one of them featuring a model who although was hopefully 18, was clearly chosen because her face and body type made her appear about age 10. A man loomed next to her, looking predatory as he touched her. In another image, a woman sobbed as she turned red from being choked. Several more images of women clearly in pain flitted by. I'm saddened that SoloTouch chooses to display such ads, although I realize how mild they are compared to what's out there. I enjoy porn, especially when it's made with real people who are both experiencing pleasure. So I'm definitely not like some people who say it's all bad. But I also wonder whether violent porn is a good idea. In my opinion, it seems to go hand in hand with some troubling trends. I know this site isn't political and I will not delve into any specific policy for that reason. But when I and millions of others are in horror and disbelief that an admitted sexual predator, abuser and harasser has the support of a majority of the US, and an even bigger majority of men, I can no longer keep silent. I am sick that abuse is of so little importance to so many. I am troubled that so many men I have chatted with here are excited by the concepts of beating, choking, and even "erotically" killing women. I remember the first of the many times I have been street harassed. I was 13 and so naive I didn't fully understand the words spoken to me. But I knew they made me feel afraid, ashamed and dirty. At one point, I confided in a youth leader at church, who asked what I was wearing and cautioned me that I had to always be mindful that my clothing could "cause men to have lust in their hearts." I spent years after that, afraid and obsessing over my clothes, making them as baggy as possible and praying that it wouldn't happen again. Of course it did, and when I was finally groped in a manner which would make our president-elect proud, I was still so brainwashed that I thought it was my fault. I never told anyone. I tried to convince myself that it was normal when my ex boyfriend wanted to act out increasingly violent scenarios. I am ashamed to admit that I pretended to like them in order to keep him. But they left me increasingly unhappy. He was addicted to hardcore, extremely violent porn and "vanilla" sex no longer held any interest for him. I think that's disturbing and unfortunate. I eventually felt that I was more of an outlet for his fantasies than I was an actual person to him. Never once in my life have I reduced a man to body parts that are there for my claiming. Never once have I lost sight of his humanity. But this happens to us, over and over. We are either ignored in the workplace in favor of more attractive female coworkers, as used to happen to me under the leadership of a misogynistic boss, or we have our right to walk down the street in peace interrupted by men who call us cold bitches if we don't respond positively to their unsolicited come-ons. (And yes, this still happens to the less attractive among us. It just happened to me the other day.) When I chatted here often, men seemed surprised when they found out that I masturbate not because I can't find someone to have sex with, but because I have no desire to do so. Sex for most women (70-80 percent of us) doesn't even involve having an orgasm (this is surprisingly not as common knowledge as it should be) so casual sex is absolutely not worth my time, even if I didn't fear for my safety, which I do. As for my old fantasy of finding a friend/lover as opposed to the ease of finding a stranger who wants just sex, the fact that I have been forced to give up a good career and live with my parents to help them pretty much eliminates me from any desirable equation. But I digress. The point is that I'm not having sex and who knows if I ever will again. I'd rather spend a lifetime celibate than have sex with a guy who'll turn around and tell his friends what a loser cum dumpster he just screwed. I won't take the risk. I realize this sounds like a pity party. If you've made it this far, I hope you know that my goal here wasn't to whine, nor to bash men. It was a rather poorly organized attempt to make you understand why being objectified hurts so much and to encourage you to think twice the next time you find yourself searching for porn that reduces women to objects and fetishizes their suffering. Please just keep our humanity in mind when you watch, and always.