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Not That Simple

Posted by: Author: Age: almost 18 Posted on: 0 comments
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This entry is not particularly exciting, more a plea than a contribution.


This will be quite lengthy, because I am an amateur, so I will treat this submission as a blog, and write all relevant things that come to mind; I hope you understand.

I will be 18 years old in less than two weeks. I found this site a few weeks ago, and have been trying to read through the archives, and have been really excited about some of the stories people write.

Before I started school, my mother had answered the 'where am I from' question, and added that even though child birth is painful, the process of 'creating' the baby is pleasurable, and besides love, involves the private parts. My mother is my best friend, although we have the usual mother/daughter fights, which are completely irrelevant to what I am writing about. My parents divorced when I was an infant, and my mother has focused all her energies into raising me. She had not had a love life until only four years ago, because she was always working and spending time with me. But I am a teen, and she has finally taken time for herself, she and her amazing boyfriend (who I pray will be my stepdad one day), have a not only animated, but audible sex life, and it is with absolute joy that I get our home to myself when they go and spend the weekend at his apartment (much like tonight). My mom and I have lived in our one-bedroom apartment my entire life. As you can imagine, we get on each others' nerves, although as I said, we are great friends. I have always slept in the bedroom and she in the living room out of the convenience of being able to send me to bed earlier when I was younger...but my mother never learned to knock, to my frustration and fury, so I am constantly being barged in on...much like a train station! (Oh goodness, I use this analogy a lot, so I hope it doesn't give away my identity to people I know in real life)

So although my self-pleasuring began promptly at the extremely early age when I found out how babies were made, it mostly is done at night, under the blanket, and is constantly interrupted out of paranoia that she needs something from her closet (in my room) when she approaches the door... no, the risk of being caught does not enhance my pleasure...one-bedroom apartments are frustratingly compact! Masturbation for me has never been creative, unfortunately. For as long as I can remember, I would place my thumbs inbetween the thighs and the 'V', squeezing until the pulsations sweetly made me pant. Never has the orgasm been mind blowing or even toe curling, and I can even keep a completely straight face, without any strain or vocalization, exept for a bit of sweat. This used to work fine, and would satisfy me...but not lately. Not for a few years, and especially not since I've searched the internet for stimulation and read about others' intense solo experiences, and especially not since I found this site....and to my absolute despair, I have not been able to touch my way to that pathetically weak orgasm in a month! And I have tried enticing methods...and I draw back.

Let me take a break to talk about my sexuality. I convinced myself to create this entry. In fact, after another un-orgasmic session, (what a waste of a night when nobody else is home!), I got up and decided to write this. I will be transferring as a third-year to university this fall, and will be living on the other side of the country, in a dorm, and will welcome healthy sexual experiences, and desire them as much as the next person. In the past weeks that I have not been able to bring myself to orgasm, I have been exploring myself in hopes of finding reasons, exploring my sensuality, and of course, finishing the final exams at my college. I have been buried in books, and losing sleep for the study, and could not get any sexual relief for some reason (the best orgasms used to come to me before exams!!)

I am not particularly hideous, and not particularly attractive...quite average, slightly overweight, and younger than everybody, because I had gone to school earlier, and skipped a few grades...long story. I constantly have to prove myself for people to take me seriously, and despite all my accomplishments, am still treated like a little girl. I'm not an outcast, and have many friends, regardless, and even found beauty in myself, and I definitely know that one day a man will feel very lucky to have me for his wife...but the fact that I am overweight now does not help my sexuality, although to be honest, the few years that I have been overweight, I have grown so much spiritually, figured out what I want in relationships, explored erotic thoughts, and have gained a lot of self confidence (ironic). I have learned to love myself and to take care of myself emotionally...and do not shy away from touching myself.

One thing though: I am not vain, but I have beautiful boobs. My breasts slightly puff above the 38D bra. I am extremely 'proud' of them, one may say, although I am very conservative, and never reaveal any skin (I know I should...but the self confidence I mentioned is more in public speaking, not in sensual bravery). My boobs got big even when I was not overweight, and even with my weight 20 lbs less I'm lucky to have the size the same firm D. They are perky, don't sag, and looking down at them can really get me going (and even one of my best female friends, as she admitted to me recently).

Unfortunately, my nipples have a mind of their own. When in a normal state, my nipples do not even make little bumps in my shirt. They 'go away'...I mean the color is there, but running my fingers over where the nipples should be only reveals slightly tender skin, but no opportunity for any braille reading. Perhaps because of their size, or the weight of my boobs, the nipples appear in activities like yoga if they are made to sway in a different direction, like if I am on my side, or in a backbend with my boobs weighing towards my shoulders as opposed to towards my bellybutton...maybe because of the change in blood flow. During masturbation, the nipples will finally decide to peek out only after the orgasm...in other words, my nipples refuse to involve themselves in my sexual activities. I've tried figuring out which one of my grandmothers to blame for this lazy nipple behaviour, but everyone seems, and seemed, to have well-defined nipples. Anyway, those nipples of mine do not like stimulation either.

For having such beautiful (if I may say so myself) breasts, I would hope to put them to some good use in solo sessions, and somehow get used to having them touched...because I know that my boobs will be a great source of enjoyment for my future boyfriend/husband, but those nipples, if touched when erect send unpleasant shivers into my stomach and hurt-and not the 'sexy hurt'. I doubt that this is a sign of alarm or need for medical attention, but I suppose because in their relaxed state my nipples smooth out, their hardening causes me pain. They have, however, been the envy of many of my friends, and past boyfriends have ached to touch them, but I guess never had the guts to put their hands on me (blessed with well-mannered boyfriends?? haha). I've been eye-fucked by many, but nobody has been kind enough to reach out to me...

When I was younger, I imagine like many young kids, I did not focus too much on the opposite sex, and could not bring myself to appreciate sex between man and woman. My pressure-orgasms (the thumb part of my hands inbetween the V of my vagina and my thighs) felt good, but I never had the ache to put anything inside of myself. (Other than tampons, and out of curiosity, one finger, nothing has visited my insides. I cannot bring myself to even pump that finger! I do not know what I am afraid of, but I am patiently waiting the time a gentle boyfriend will probe there and be there to support me during the time something more goes in...)

When I was a child, I would play kissing and sex games with a girl neighbor my age (games of 'house' or 'doctor' or 'school' and we did bring each other to the orgasm, usually by humping pillows), and in eighth grade, one of my friends mercilessly rubbed the heel of her foot on my vagina through my night clothes at her sleepover. I actually was very concerned about being lesbian, but that went away when I got to the age of really feeling aroused around boys. I got a boyfriend, a life-long friend who was about four years older than me, was very gentle, and too polite to touch me yet, although he would always ask me to shake my boobs for him, and we would cuddle and hug with him taking care to press me hard into his torso for pleasurable long moments at a time.

As the years went by, I found myself being quite disgusted with what I had done with my female friends, and got the thought to finally get a good look at some male bodies...you know, for education. Hello internet and 'delete history' buttons. I still visit a site, which I believe is a solo touch sister site, where they've got daily pictures of men and women cumming...so I found myself falling into lust with the penis. I lost all those suspiscions of being attracted to women, and began to just ache to look at men...I think these are just steps of puberty? Let me just insert that while I am conservative in most aspects, literally and socially, Even though I can no longer understand how I felt aroused by other girls, I have nothing against homosexuality, and completely support and respect gay people-I am not disgusted at all in regards to 'unconventional' sex, because I have realized that the human body is so beautiful that nothing two consenting partners do together can be ugly-and anyway, it's nobody's business what others do in bed.

I will even go as far as saying that gay sex between men is the biggest turn on for me. This confession may sound strange, but guys like girl on girl action, right? That's the only way I can compare my attraction to guy on guy action. haha I find nothing sexier than two men taking care of each other. Beautiful bodies, beautiful bodily functions, and beautiful sounds (I watch clips of some really tasteful (don't like vulgarity) shows about gay men, but don't know if the rules of ST let me post their names). And by 'beautiful', I don't require Adonis or any sort of Greek god... There is just something so powerful about turning a real man on, gay or not...and since I am a woman, reading contributions from men about how they pleasure themselves, or pleasure other men really lets me gather some tips for when the opportunity arises for me to try it first hand). I fantasize about licking a man from head to toe. There is not one body part of the man that is imperfect to me. Hair, eyes, and the parts that turn me on: the protruding adam's apple, the veins in the neck, the strong arms, the veins in the hands, the body hair, the legs, thighs, feet, and of course I did not skip over the penis.

I sometimes fantasize about my future husband (yes I think about these things at my age) and running my tongue from these lips, over his adam's apple, down his happy trail, and up the aroused vein in his erect penis. I want him to moan from pleasure, to gasp at my grasp, to be unable to control his breathing, to beg for more, and most importantly, to understand my love, and be just as overflowing in love of me and my body, as I will be for him. Other than the obvious benefits of physical exploration between couples, I find the 'human' aspects of men most appealing. Don't get me wrong, it is enticing to date a 'gentleman', and be proper, but when a man becomes human in bed, (I imagine these things being a virgin and never being touched, and never even having a tremendous orgasm yet)I imagine it to be the most passionate, hot, special moment. (OMG, there goes a tingle in those nipples I just complained about, haha).

No, I'm not a feminist who wants to see a man lose control over himself-I just find it beautiful that the body reacts naturally to stimulation-which is why I get frustrated when I can't get an orgasm in the past month.

I have been coaxing myself to pleasure, (to no avail), reading some awesome stories here...I tried telling that orgasm to come, because if it did, I promissed it, I would contribute the story behind its arrival to the site-so today, eager for my mother to FINALLY leave home for the weekend, I set the mood. Bathed, got into bed, shut off the phone, the light, slicked up my fingers with saliva, raised my upper back with my pillow the long way under my back (this way, my head rests off the pillow on the bed itself-making my boobs lift more and tilt a different direction, making the nipples finally stand out for a bit), raising my hips, spreading my legs...what a disappointment! What a weak tingle, an anti-climax! That's what it was. I don't like water stimulation on my clit. I don't dare to put anything in myself except one finger (although if I don't cum hard soon, I'll be trembling at the idea of my electric toothbrush...) I have pretty long nails, so I am also afraid of scratching myself...and seems a stupid complaint, but even with really short nails I have to be so incredibly relaxed-anyway, it didn't work, and hasn't worked for the 14 years that I've been masturbating, so I'm just waiting for a man to hold one of my hands in his, and with the other finally finger me...

Anyway, I began thinking of men, of what I would do to my future man in bed. Pretended that my hands were his, sprinked water on myself to make things more wet...finally, after the saliva dried up, and I almost was about to give up, I was able to scoop some true wetness out of myself...sticky, hot, but really the tiniest drop. Is it possible for the pleasure well to go dry? What is happening? Am I too stressed from school to be able to get wet? Armed with such great breasts, and I can't even coax the tiniest pulse from myself? Before this 'dry' month occurred, I would read in magazines about poor women who could not reach a peak, who would beg from magazine-advice editors the magic spells about orgams-I could not believe that they could not feel those gentle contractions...as pathetic as mine are, how can you completely feel no sexual energy there? Now I understand! I know you shouldn't focus on getting an orgasm, and should just focus on caressing your body and getting joy out of touching it...this is true, but I crave the release!

So I will wrap this up now, and I hope at least the imagery I picture of men in bed struck a familiarity with some reader, but I have just completed the first step in opening up about my sexuality. My mother and I don't discuss masturbation-no particular reason-just never comes up as a direct question requiring input of personal nature into a conversation...but maybe I should ask her for a suggestion?

I am not even sure if this entry deserves to be posted on this site, {ed - The most intelligent writing, that has not required any editing, that I have seen for a long time} but it is part of a self-exploration from an almost-18-year-old that loves herself and her body, and wishes it would show her some love back, haha.

-Written in appreciation of your time.



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