First of all, I'd like to start by thanking the moderators of this website for creating and maintaining such an open, healthy, safe (and yes, erotic) environment where we can share our experiences and desires. I'm so grateful that there is a forum like this that isn't full of sleazy porn. I don't know where else, or with whom I could share this.
My secret is that I, like Kelley in the story I linked above, am aroused by my children. Thank you Kelley, for giving me the courage to finally tell someone.
I should start by telling you about myself so you can understand why it means so much to me to confess. I was raised in a very conservative midwest suburb with my large conservative family (three brothers, two sisters). Attended a conservative Baptist church and got an associates degree from a conservative Christian college where I met my husband, Mark. He is a wonderful man whom I love dearly and to whom I owe so much. It will be 22 years in October. I work very hard to keep myself well maintained physically for him and he does the same for me (back off girls, he's mine!). We have a very satisfying sex life. He has really helped me accept and explore my sexuality after being brought up in such a sheltered environment where sex was considered taboo and never discussed.Â I did discover masturbation when I was young, but practiced it very rarely and very secretively and had a lot of guilt about it.Â I suspect that my sisters did too since we shared a room and I could sometimes hear suspicious sounds at night, but we never discussed it.Â Now, thanks to my husband, I usually do it at least five times per week. Sometimes we even do it together which I love. That's enough background, on to the important stuff.
I have three children. Lars is nineteen, Rebecca is sixteen, and Audra is just thirteen. My life started to change about five and a half years ago when Lars was going through puberty. As all you mothers know, the changes young men go through at that age happen so fast! Lars has always been very mature for his age, but when his body started to catch up to his mind I could hardly keep from noticing.Â The year he turned fourteen he grew five inches and gained about twenty pounds of muscle. He no longer looked like my little boy. I started noticing other things too.Â Chief among them were the frequent prominent bulges in the front of his trousers, and the amount of used tissues I would find in his wastebasket. At first I thought he had a cold or allergies until I recognized that distinct smell of cum. I had to face the reality that my son was a sexual being and that he had started masturbating. I told my husband and they had 'the talk.' It was important to both of us that our children all developed a healthy respect and appreciation for sex and their sexuality rather than just sweeping it under the rug like my parents had done.Â
As he continued to mature I started to pay attention more and more. I was ashamed of the times when I caught myself staring at his crotch trying to make out the exact shape of his penis, but I told myself I was just concerned about his normal physical development. I could not, however, make excuses about the thoughts that started to creep into my head when I emptied his trash. I couldn't help imagining how he did it, for how long, and how often.Â He was obviously a very healthy boy because there certainly were a lot of tissues at times.Â I tried not to think about it too much, but the fact of the matter is that the thought of Lars naked and masturbating was very exciting for me.Â It was partly maternal pride and partly female arousal.Â I was so pleased that my son was healthy and growing up and would someday make a fine husband, and lover for someone, but I was also aroused by the thought of such a handsome, virile, sexual being living in my house and bringing himself sexual pleasure just on the other side of my bedroom wall. The first time I thought of him while I masturbated I was so ashamed I couldn't look him in the eye and barely spoke to him for a few days.
One afternoon he took a nap on the couch in the living room.Â He must have been having a good dream because I noticed he had a very obvious erection that his sweat pants did nothing to hide.Â I could even see where a drop of pre-cum had soaked through that material at the tip.Â Just seeing the shape of his penis and how big and hard it looked and that it represented how aroused he was had me turned on instantly.Â I was tempted to touch it or even take down his pants to look at it and who knows what else.Â As I stared I suddenly remembered that Audra was in the room too. I looked at her and noticed that she was staring also.Â My motherly instincts kicked in and I covered him with a blanket and invited her out of the room with me.Â I was so ashamed of what I had been thinking and how quickly my mind had gone there.Â Having Audra there had snapped me back to reality, but the image was burned into my mind and every time I thought of it I got that tingle below the waist.Â Audra of course had questions and it turned into a nice teachable bonding moment for us.Â She was very curious so I was able to explain to her about penises and vaginas and how they fit together and everything.Â That night, however, as I lay in bed I could not get the thought of Lars' erection out of my head.Â I'm glad my husband was there to help me relieve the pressure that had been building all day.
From that point on I had to gradually accept the fact that I was aroused by my son and didn't fight it so hard when thoughts of him would pop into my head while I was masturbating.Â I keep telling myself that as long as they were just thoughts and I didn't act on them there was no harm.Â That's what fantasies are all about, right?Â The interesting thing is that I don't necessarily fantasize about having sex with my son. I do imagine masturbating with him and helping him cum in different ways.Â The thought of having him in my hand is very exciting. I like to think about him becoming aroused by me and masturbating while thinking of me.Â Every once in a while I would notice him looking at my breasts or my legs in a skirt and I wondered if I turned him on. That is still very exciting when I catch him sneaking a look.Â I admit that occasionally I let him see me in my bathrobe or something else revealing and then watching to see if his crotch starts to swell. A few times I have definitely detected movement or saw him shift or adjust himself. There have been several other times I have seen him with an obvious erection.Â That will completely spoil my concentration for hours unless I can get some time alone.
That covers Lars, now I want to tell you about Rebecca.Â Becky, as we call her, is a bit of a wild one.Â She's very active, independent and outgoing.Â She didn't start developing physically until she was almost fifteen, but when she finally did it happened practically overnight.Â It was so frustrating for her to watch her friends starting to mature and feel like she was being left behind.Â We often talked about how things would start to change eventually.Â I tried to encourage her by saying she should enjoy how simple things were now before she had to deal with all of the uncomfortable parts of puberty.Â Then, that spring, she just bloomed right along with the flowers.Â She had never needed a bra even though she'd been wearing one with pads for a while, but all of a sudden she needed a B cup, then a few months later she needed something bigger.Â Bra shopping became a regular event for us out of necessity, andÂ I think she might still be growing.Â Her legs and hips filled out right along with her chest and I was so happy for her when she finally got her period.Â She really liked her new body and her wardrobe showed it.Â Necklines got lower and hems got higher and the boy to girl ratio in her circle of friends began to even out a bit more.Â We had never talked much about sex before because it had never really come up. I know she knew the facts of life, but it soon became clear that we were due for a chat.
About this time last year I told Mark that Becky and I were going to have a girls night out and the reason for it and he was very encouraging.Â We got all dressed up and went out to a nice restaurant.Â I was so nervous because I knew what we should talk about but I had no idea how to bring it up.Â As luck would have it the subject came up all on its own.Â Our waiter was a good-looking young man who Becky noticed. It was obvious that he noticed her too.Â We started talking about boys and dating and I was able to steer her to that very naturally, I hoped, into a good open conversation about sex.Â As we got deeper into the conversation Becky really opened up to me about how she had started having sexual thoughts and feelings.Â I eventually just asked her if she ever masturbated.Â She said she had done some exploring, but I learned that she hadn't achieved orgasm.Â This opened a whole conversation about masturbation and sexual pleasure in general.Â It was so much fun to watch the light in my daughters eyes as she started to understand the reality of her sexuality.Â Yes, for all the moms and dads reading this, we also had a healthy chat about safe sex and the importance of waiting and being responsible.Â Eventually it was time to go but in the car ride home Becky was unusually quiet.Â When we pulled into the driveway I asked her if everything was alright and she just sighed and said, 'Mom, I'm so horny!'
That sort of blew me away.Â That's not a sentence that you ever expect to hear your daughter say so I was caught completely off guard.Â Fortunately I regained my senses quickly enough and I am still very proud of how I reacted.Â I told her that was wonderful and I was so happy for her.Â That launched into a whole new discussion about the joy of arousal and how fun and exciting it is.Â Eventually we had to go into the house but before we went in I asked her if she was still 'horny.'Â She said she was so I told her to go to her room and I'd be there in a minute.Â I went to Mark and gave him a very brief outline of what had happened and what was going on.Â I told him that I thought it was important that Becky learn how to relieve her urges in a healthy way and I wasn't going to run out on her when she had decided to trust me and be so vulnerable.
That night was such a beautiful experience for Becky and me.Â I don't want to go into detail about what went on because I feel like it was too intimate and personal to share with strangers on the internet. My daughter and I are closer now than we ever were because of this special experience. I know I can trust her, and she knows she can tell me anything.
This was a one-time experience.Â I believe it was more educational than sexual.Â Now that I know Becky has the knowledge and ability to pleasure herself I don't feel that it's necessary for me to be a physical part of her sex life. She knows I'm available for anything, but she has never indicated that she would like to do it again.Â I have been tempted toÂ suggest it, but if I'm honest it would just be because I think it would be sexy and I don't know if I can cross that line.Â My job as a mother is over when it comes to that. However, I do still remember that experience often when I'm alone and it never fails to excite me.Â
One thing about that experience, however, is that it made me start to think of women in general as sexual beings the same way I thought of men.Â I wouldn't consider myself bisexual, but I now often think of my girlfriends and women I meet in a sexual way and wonder what turns them on, how often they want sex, and what they look like when they have an orgasm.Â Like Kelley, the author above, I have also started to notice Becky's friends and wonder how experienced they are and if they experiment with each other as so many other contributors to this website have.Â I don't know if I would actually do it, but I am very aroused by the thought of having a sexual experience with another woman and think about it a lot when I masturbate.
Thank you all so much for reading this and thanks again to the moderators for providing the space for it.Â I feel so much better now that it's out in the open.Â I've been so ashamed of these thoughts I have about my kids for so long, and keeping them a secret has made me want to scream. Just typing this has been very therapeutic.Â I know that this is not the whole saga either.Â Audra is growing up and that's bound to be a whole new adventure.