My deepest fantasy revealed!

As I sit here in Starbucks, where I bring my work on my laptop every so often for a change of scenery, I am half listening to the couple in their 50's sitting near me. And they are making me aroused. The odd thing is that they're not talking about anything risque or being overtly sexual. They are a bit touchy-feely, but within the bounds of what's socially acceptable without being excessive. The arousal probably has something to do with the fact that I have not masturbated to orgasm in months! (See my previous story for details.) But the rest of the reason is that they are the embodiment of my number one fantasy: Longtime companionship with someone who is both friend and lover. They are having fulfilling conversation about books and politics, are laughing frequently, and are so engaged that they could be mistaken for people in the early stages of dating, other than little conversational hints regarding their adult children. Back when I used to chat frequently here (and for all of those who have remarked that I no longer do, I apologize), I was often asked about my fantasies. The guys wanted to hear about taboos, secret urges involving incest, bestiality or gang banging. My reality is decidedly less wild. In short, I want what this couple have. I do know that people change and that marriages and long term relationships don't nearly always endure well. But we all know couples that have done it. Somehow, through life's difficulties, they have retained their friendship and desire for each other. That is my deepest desire, one I dream of often, and I am aware that it couldn't be more boring. Still, we have so much kink here that a little boring won't hurt! I found the new chat option here in the winter of 2014 so appealing because in those solitary late night hours, I was connecting with other human beings. It was so much better than masturbating alone, and I was quickly addicted to the surges of arousal that came from sharing the experience with others. My parents' finances necessitate my full time assistance caring for my disabled mother. I work from home in a season of life when my old friends have gone their separate ways and I'm finding that it's not easy to establish new friendships in your 30s without a workplace, church or neighbors. What I never expected was that I would come to think of my conversations with Gray as friendship, which I am embarrassed to admit. In addition to our games of arousal and mutual masturbation, we had great conversations involving politics, the theater and books. I allowed myself to be swept away far beyond what was reasonable, and lost interest in anonymous chats because he became my obsession and felt more real and genuine than the strangers with whom I had chatted. We sometimes marveled that the same new things aroused us as we explored them, but it was no coincidence. It's not that I was pretending; it's that my perception of our connection truly made me aroused by everything that made him aroused. It was like a powerful drug -- as I said in my previous story, every day, I woke up to new messages from him, and they made me tingle AND smile The emotional connection made the physical so much more powerfully pleasurable, and I fed off his pleasure. I have never had orgasms as powerful as the ones I shared with him. The fact that I still think of him often and miss those times is a good indicator of how unhealthy this is and how badly I need to form new friendships and connections. Although I have limited time, I'm trying. I'm looking into a local book club and have been volunteering occasionally with an adult literacy organization. My hope is that it will help, in time. My fantasy will likely never be fulfilled, for a variety of reasons, but I can live a good life at least if I find some platonic companionship. As for Gray, months ago I renewed my promise to give him control of my orgasms, which has meant none for many months as we rarely chat now due to understandable busyness. It's gotten so rare that I find myself checking here every few weeks to see if he's still signing in regularly, just so I know he's alive and well! Continuing the denial is a bit silly at this stage, but I'm nothing if not faithful! :) For years, I used masturbation as a distraction to avoid facing reality but without it, I more clearly see how it was a form of self medicating. The solo abstinence has probably helped me with my introspection. Besides, it allows me the very occasional but mind-blowing experience of a wet dream! The one I had recently was a delicious reward for my faithful abstinence. But that's another story for another time!