I figured out how to jack off when I was thirteen. Ever since then I've been a compulsive masturbator. Even when I was married I had to jack off two or three times a week. After my divorce I dated for a while and sometimes had sex, but I couldn't connect emotionally with any of the women I slept with and eventually I just sort of gave up. Now masturbation is my only sexual release. I usually do it at least once a day and sometimes two or three times.
When I was in my early twenties I shared a bed in a hotel room with a high-school friend. (We were attending the wedding of another classmate and my friend showed up at the last minute and needed a place to crash.) In the middle of the night we woke up in let's just say intimate contact. We both got aroused and one thing led to another and we ended up pulling off our shorts and jacking each other off, nothing more.
I was surprised by my friend because he'd been sexually very active with girls in high school. But I was even more surprised by myself, at how much pleasure and satisfaction I got out of this experience. For a while it bothered me as much as it excited me, though, and especially after masturbating I felt shame and anxiety about my own sexuality. I got over that, but I've never had any other same-sex encounter.
I still have a close friendship with this same friend. When I masturbate, my friend occupies my thoughts. He's still good-looking in a kind of rugged way and he has a physically demanding job that keeps him in top shape. He has a very pleasant manner and a ready smile, which is why he was so successful with girls even without trying very hard before he got married. I never thought this would happen to me, but, yes, I'm sexually attracted by him.
Here's my confession: When I'm jacking off I often imagine that my friend is fucking me and that I'm giving him pleasure by submitting to him this way. Sometimes I use a candle to simulate the sensation. But in my mind it's not just a moment of physical pleasure, it's also an intimate and tender and emotionally satisfying act of love.
But since the incident in the hotel room we've not had any even remotely intimate experiences or even spoken a word about the incident. He's married now and he has two kids and I don't know how he'd react if I so much as mentioned the incident, let alone suggested we try something physical again. I wouldn't want to put our relationship at risk and I wouldn't want to actually engage in anything with him that could impair or undermine his happy marriage.