(12 at the time.) Sex play doesn't seal your adult sexual identity.
Jeff and I were both twelve. We had been best friends since we met in first grade. We spent a lot of time together and often spent the night at each other's houses. We did all of the usual kid things: video games, Hot Wheels, Transformers, soccer, wrestling, bike riding, etc. At twelve years old, we were feeling the first waves of puberty, but not enough to distract us from fun kid things like playing chase or emulating our TV heroes, the A-Team.
As close as we were though, we had never talked about anything related to sex or anything like it at all. We'd both rattled off a naughty joke here and there, but that was it. We had also managed to avoid ever seeing each other undressed - probably due in part to our somewhat conservative upbringings.
I had been masturbating since I was about nine. I had gotten past the guilt, but still wondered if anyone else ever rubbed their penis and if it felt the same way to them that it did to me. I also ached with curiosity over whether or not it would feel different if someone else rubbed my penis for me. I imagined it would feel really neat, but I was way too scared to even ask anyone else if they ever did it to themselves because that would leave me open to being questioned myself. I couldn't even begin to imagine how I would ever talk someone into rubbing mine for me or letting me try anything with them. As close as I was to Jeff, it still seemed like something that would be taboo to even mention. I guess that's why the events that unfolded one spring evening in his backyard took me by such surprise.
It must have been an evening in March. I seem to recall being on spring break. It was warming up, but it was still cool enough to wear jeans. Jeff's parents had fed us hamburgers for dinner and released us to go play outside until bedtime. Apparently, despite having biked all day long we still had plenty of energy because we took right to a game of soccer in the grass. The sun was on its way down and after a while it was hard to see the ball - so, the soccer game quickly gave way to yet another wrestling match.
Our wrestling matches were always vigorous, but polite. We were always careful not to hurt one another seriously. There was no hitting and no elbowing. The objective was to get the other pinned. In addition to taking care to not hurt each other, we also took care to never grab or touch each other in any embarrassing places - namely the crotch area. Once in a while it would happen by accident but it was always followed by a quick apology.
But, fact of the matter is, accidents do happen.
We had wrestled for probably five or so minutes. We were both feeling tired and we both gave up. Jeff let go of me and laid on his back. I sat down and laid myself backwards slowly until my head rested on his stomach. I really didn't want my head to be in the grass, but I felt like I might have been hurting his stomach so I moved my head down closer to his hip. This was a fairly typical yard reclining position for us.
We laid in the grass in the dark looking at the stars and talking about space. As we talked, I adjusted my head trying to find a spot where something in his pocket or a brad from his jeans wasn't poking me in the back of the head. I finally found a soft spot and stayed put while we continued talking.
We went on and on about something - maybe the space shuttle. We were several minutes into the conversation before I realized that I felt something firm against the back of my head - something that wasn't there earlier when I placed my head there. Jeff kept talking but I quit listening. A little bit of a shock ran through my body as I began to wonder if what I was feeling against my head was what I thought it was. I thought, 'surely it isn't'. And if it was, I figured I should move my head because he probably wouldn't want my head against it. I had not noticed that he had stopped talking.
I lifted my head up slightly and set it back down thinking that it was surely something in his pocket. But this time as I set my head down, I moved my head back and forth slightly and felt the soft, yet firm shape give a little and then press back slightly, and then settle. I knew what that was.
'That feels really good,' whispered Jeff.
I began to shake a little. I faked a laugh and raised my head up, set it back down and moved it a little. I again felt that unmistakable involuntary reflex from the bulge against the back of my head. 'That?' I asked.
'Yeah,' he whispered.
'Is that what I think it is', I asked.
'What do you think it is,' he asked back.
'Umm . . . that's ok - I know what it is', I said shyly. 'Do you want me to stop?'
'No, I like it. It feels good,' he said - almost pleading.
I was fascinated and I was incredibly aroused. I felt a connection with him because I knew sort of what he was feeling and I knew it felt good. I had an erection of my own throbbing against my pants. I had never felt it throb so hard and I felt like my heartbeat could be heard for a block.
I continued to move my head around and press against his erection. I knew that what he was feeling had to be good, but I knew the jeans must be as uncomfortable to him as mine were to me.
'It would probably feel even better it was against your underwear and not your jeans,' I suggested.
'I bet you're right. Hold on,' he said.
I lifted my head up and I heard the button of his jeans come undone and the zipper go down. I could hear him slide his pants down just a little bit. 'Ok,' he said.
I set my head back down and I heard him sigh a little bit. My heart jumped as I could feel so much more of his penis against the back of my head. I could also feel the heat radiating from it. I moved my head back and forth against his bulge he we both laid in silence.
It was interesting feeling his erection against the back of my head but I wanted to feel it against my hand. I stopped moving my head and said, 'do you want to try something different that still might feel good?'
'Like what?' he asked.
'Like, with my hand,' I said quietly.
'Yes,' he said bluntly.
I sat up and turned around to face his body. I didn't look at his face and I know he wasn't looking at mine. I could see some moonlight reflecting from his white Hanes briefs. I had always wondered what kind of underwear he wore. Turned out, same as me. I could see the shape of his erection and I could see it throbbing. I extended my trembling hand towards the top of his tenting underwear and lightly felt the shape. The cotton was very soft and warmed from the heat of his penis. Since I wore the same underwear and felt my own erection almost every day, it felt very familiar to me, though altogether different.
After feeling the tip lightly several times, I closed my had around his penis through his briefs and squeezed lightly. I could hear him gasp. I squeezed again, this time more firmly and pulled upwards slowly. I knew I was moving the cloth and the skin of his penis up over the head. I then came back down slowly. I felt his penis throb again and he gasped again.
'I've never done anything like this before - this feels so good', he whispered.
'I've never done this before either - I'm sure it feels good. Well, I mean, do you ever rub your own penis,' I asked, figuring that since my hand was actually feeling his penis though his underwear, we were way past worrying about keeping our own jerking off a secret.
'Yeah,' he said. 'And you?'
'Yeah, I have for a long time,' I said.
'We won't ever tell anyone about this right,' he asked.
'No - never. It's ok. Do you want to stop,' I followed.
'No', he said.
And with that, I slid my fingers into the fly of his briefs so that there was only one thin layer of cotton between my fingers and his penis. I could feel a tiny bit of moisture and I knew it was the same precum I had myself.
'Do you want to try skin against skin - without underwear,' I asked as I pulled my hand away for fear that he would feel it shaking. There was a pause.
'Yes. I do. Do you,' he whispered.
'Yes, I've always wondered what it would be like. Will you do the same to me later?' I asked.
'Yeah, I want to,' he said.
I looked up towards the house to make sure nobody was around. Satisfied that we had privacy, I began. Slowly, with a trembling hand, I reached for the waistband of his briefs. I grasped the waistband by sliding my index and middle fingers between his stomach and the elastic and placed my thumbs on the outside. Then I pulled upward and down towards his feet. It was dark so I couldn't see his penis, but I could feel the heat and a lifting of psychological tension between us. I slid his underwear down a little so that they would stay down.
I lifted my right hand and moved it across where I estimated his penis would be. I moved slowly and could feel the heat radiating from it. I closed my hand and sure enough, it was suddenly in my hand. I squeezed gently.
'Oh! Wow . . . oh,' he quietly exclaimed.
I loosened my grip and ran my hand loosely up to the tip and then back down his shaft feeling his penis. It was so soft - warm, silky, and dry. It throbbed fast. He was circumcised, just like me. It again felt very familiar but very different. I could feel him shift under me. I knew it was feeling good.
'Do you want me to do it all the way, the same way I would do it for myself,' I asked.
'Yes - yes,' he whispered.
I moved my hand down to the base of his penis until I could feel his scrotum. Then I moved about halfway up and gripped the loose skin. I applied light pressure and pulled the skin slowly upward until I felt the skin tighten and I knew I was over the sensitive head of his penis. I squeezed a little more and brought the skin down until I was just barely above the base.
I now knew the distance to move and I began to do it over and over again until it began to feel almost like I was doing it to myself. He laid completely still. Then I gripped tighter and started moving up and down faster.
'Yes, just like that,' he said in a whispery yell.
I pulled his skin up and down faster and faster like I was jerking myself off. I knew it had to be feeling great and I felt almost like I was going to come in my own pants while doing it to him.
After what couldn't have been more than only 12 or 15 seconds I felt his legs tighten up and his breathing deepen. His penis became as hard as a rock in my hand and I kept going up and down faster. He grunted and gasped and thrust his hips upward. Then the sounds from his mouth came:
'uh -uh -uh - oh, oh, oh no, oh, aahhhhhhh'
And then as I felt his penis throb I felt hot drops hitting my arms and my hand. I continued to move my hand up and down lightly just as I would on my own penis until he grabbed my hand to stop me.
I let go of his penis very slowly and moved my hand away. I wiped his semen off in the grass. I thought that I would think that it was gross, but I didn't. It just felt like mine and it didn't really bother me.
He pulled up his briefs, and zipped and buttoned his jeans. He just laid there breathing for a second and I was shaking a little. I couldn't believe what I had just done. On the one had I felt like it was really cool and really neat to share that with my best friend. But I also worried that we might have done something we would someday regret. But more than anything else, I wanted my turn.
'Wow - I can't believe we just did that,' I said.
'Me neither. That felt really good though. Do you feel bad about it,' he asked bluntly.
'I don't know. I guess as long as we keep it between us, I think I'm ok,' I replied.
'Do you want me to do it for you? I mean, it's only fair - and I wonder what it's like to be the other person - if that makes sense,' he said as he sat up.
'Ok, yeah - I want to feel what you just felt,' I said as I laid on my back. I put my hands behind my head to keep them out of the way and to keep my hair out of the grass.
As I laid back I knew my erection was standing straight up and, if there had been any light, my erection would have been noticed. Not worrying about anyone else seeing my erection was a strange sensation in itself.
When I first started touching him, we covered a lot of the ground rules and got over a lot of the nerves. So, as he began to touch me, there was a lot less talk.
I felt his hand touch the top of my erection through my jeans. This was the first time I felt any contact by another person against my penis in an arousing way and it sent a shudder through my body despite having several layers of cloth between my penis and his hand. He squeezed the top and ran his hand up and down the shape. My penis involuntarily responded with a flex each time he touched.
'Wow, are you even wearing any underwear,' he asked.
'Um, yeah - why,' I said, playing dumb. I knew I was throbbing hard.
'I can just feel so much through your pants,' he said.
Every squeeze sent another wave of excitement and anticipation for what I hoped would come next.
Jeff slowly fumbled at the button on my jeans, eventually undoing them. He then brought the zipper down to reveal my tenting white Hanes briefs. My heart pounded and the sound of the zipper seemed to echo all around.
Then I could feel his gentle curious hand feeling the soft cotton of my briefs and the outline of my penis. He did something differently though, he actually felt his way down under my scrotum and followed the shape upward and then up my shaft. He tugged at the fly several times, causing the cloth to slide against my penis. I gasped and squirmed a little with excitement and anticipation.
'Skin against skin,' he asked.
'Yes, don't stop,' I said.
I felt his fingers slip under my waistband, nearly touching the tip of my penis. He lifted up and suddenly I could feel the cool evening air rush into my pants and my penis was exposed to someone for the first time that I could remember. Not just exposed, but throbbing, erect, and aching to be touched. I thought I was going to have an orgasm without even being touched directly.
He had a little trouble getting my underwear to stay down and out of the way, so I reached down and slid them towards my feet a little and parted my legs slightly as I would if I were going to jerk myself off. Then I placed my arms back behind my head and relaxed. There was no going back and I wanted to feel this.
And I did feel it. I felt the warmth of his soft hand gently take hold of my penis. I felt a wave of pleasure and excitement radiate through my body as I finally felt the warmth of another human making contact with my penis. It felt wonderful. Then he squeezed, and I gasped.
He gripped the skin in the middle and began moving up and down just like I did - only a little faster. With each stroke upwards and each stroke downwards, waves of pleasure rippled through my body. It was like electricity. I knew this wouldn't last long. I had become so excited touching him that I was already on the edge.
One one-thousand, two one-thousand - I was heading for a climax so quickly - he brought the skin up over the head and back down - wave after wave of electric exciting pleasure. I moved my legs back and forth and my breathing became deep and fast.
Three one-thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand - waves and waves of contractions and pleasure slowly rose from the middle of my penis towards the top and the base as I came to the point of no return.
'aaahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhh, ohhh, ohoh, oh no, ahhhhh,' I moaned.
And suddenly, one second and maybe six fast strokes of his soft warm hand later it hit. I closed my eyes and saw a flash of white light. I felt the ejaculation in waves and I felt the pulses of ecstasy tingling through my body -radiating pulses from my penis, through my pelvis, down my legs to my toes and up my spine to my finger tips and back down culminating repeatedly in my penis in several rapid fluid spasm.
My penis was about to become overly sensitive so I grabbed his hand to stop his eager stroking. I could feel the semen on his wrist.
My breathing was heavy, like I had just run across a field.
'Wow, oh wow.' I said.
'Yeah, didn't that feel good,' he asked.
'Oh my God,' I said.
He pulled my underwear up for me and wiped his hands on the grass.
'So that's what it feels like,' he said.
'Uh huh,' was all I could say.
'Just between you and me forever, ok,' he asked.
'Oh yeah, just between us,' I said. 'But maybe we can try again one more time someday?'
'Yeah, maybe tomorrow,' he suggested. I was thinking more like next week or something, but I was ok with tomorrow.
'Ok - but we're ok right,' I asked.
'Yeah,' he said. 'Like we can do anything with girls right now anyway.'
'Yeah, that makes sense,' I said and I stared up at the stars in both a state of shock and afterglow.
We ended up engaging in mutual masturbation several more times that year until we sort of grew out of it. We kept our secret between us to this day, but whenever we were together, we could talk about it without feeling shame or embarrassment.
We've long since lost contact, but I know through the grapevine that he's married and has a child on the way. Once I hit my teens, I went about normal relations with girls from that point on. I have a great sex life with my wife. In fact, I never had any idea sex could be so great until my wife and I really got into a groove. We even enjoy mutual masturbation with each other sometimes to add variety. But, I've never had any desire to stray from her sexually, much less ever explore further with other males. However, I do still have very positive associations with those times when I was a kid and, from time to time I do become aroused remembering it. There's just something electric about your first sexual contact of any kind that always remains vivid in your mind. I think it was discovery and the excitement of being able to enjoy the sexual energy I had-that we all had at that time but didn't know what to do with. In retrospect, it seems very healthy to me and I'm glad it happened. I think it has actually made me a much more sexually healthy adult.
Would I talk about it in casual conversation in person using real names? No - I wouldn't. There is something about what we did that was actually innocent and will remain innocent as long as it remains under the agreed upon terms . . . just between us. It's a moment that will stay in childhood where it belongs.
However, I do want young men to know that just because you and another person your age try mutual masturbation once or twice, it does not seal your sexual identity. I am reading more and more stories from people who have confessed that they engaged in some form of same sex sex-play in early adolescence who, like me, consider it to have been an act of pure sexual energy and release, and not necessarily motivated by sexual attraction.
I truly feel that one day, perhaps after I'm gone from this earth, it will be accepted and understood as part of normal human sexual development and actually healthy.