I was sitting in the pub the other week talking to one of my oldest girlfriends. We were discussing her failing marriage and the fact that she'd met someone else. She was telling me that she thought she should be awarded the Championship Cup for masturbation. I started to tell her about Solo Touch and I was being quite loud. I didn't realise how far my voice was carrying until a guy a few tables away suddenly looked over and caught my eye. (Amazing how far the word 'masturbate' will carry!). He had a look in his eye which said 'did you just say what I think you just said?'. I blushed. Any façade of cool was gone and Sarah and I started giggling like school girls. We lowered our voices:
I bet he wishes he was over here having this conversation instead of whatever boring guff he's talking about.
Yeah. They're probably talking about football.
He keeps looking over. He can't believe we're talking about masturbation. That's hilarious!
I think blokes really think women don't wank, you know?
Have you ever masturbated in front of your lover?
Yeah. Haven't you? God, all my boyfriends have asked me.
Did they? Bloody hell, no one's ever asked me.
What's that all about?
I don't know. Was it good?
Um, not really. I felt so exposed. I found it really embarrassing actually. Dan doesn't ask me, he just puts my hand there.
Why do you think no one has ever asked you?
I always remember Elizabeth saying years ago that men just wanted to conquer me. She said I was like Garbo!!! Well, she was reading a biography about her at the time. I couldn't believe she said that, aged 20. How did she know that? Anyway, she might have had a point and that might be something to do with it.
Matt absolutely had to dominate me.. especially sexually.. the entire time. There's no way he would have encouraged me to do anything sexual for myself, let alone wank off.
That's not good
Do you remember when I was nearly in that plane crash?
Was that the one in Bali?
God, how many do you think I've been in???
Did I not tell you this? There was a really bad tropical storm and after two attempts the pilot came on and said .. in a weirdly flat voice... that we were going to have to land as we were running out of fuel and had to get on the ground.
Oh my god, he actually said they were 'running out of fuel'??? Why does anyone have to know that??? I'd have freaked.
Yeah, I did, inside. The plane kept lurching down through the clouds through loads of air pockets and the wings were swinging all over the place. We had to take the brace position and the air hostesses were crossing themselves as they strapped themselves in....
I sat there thinking. Right, this could be it. This really could be it. I have been shit scared my entire life of this happening and now it is. But, there's only so long you can keep saying that to yourself and the landing seemed to take forever. After I'd managed to stop saying 'I'm going to die' there was just one thought that kept coming at me.... it went round and round and round my head as I sat there bent over forwards.... I couldn't push it away...
What was it?
What is my mother going to think when she finds my vibrator in my drawer!!
That would have been your final conscious thought as you plunged to your death???
Faced with death.. that would have been my last thought. Isn't that pathetic? My 'guilty' secret ....
God, that's pretty revealing isn't it? Why are we so hung up on masturbation in this world?
It's funny though, good story... you landed okay obviously...?
Yeah, we landed in one piece but I was a wreck.
I masturbated on a train once.
Really? How did that happen?
It was when I was doing the play in Watford and met Joe. He used to come with me to the station after the show and wait with me for the train. One night I had to wait ages for the last train and we were snogging like mad in the waiting room and by the time the train arrived I was just so fucking horny. There was no one in the carriage and I was wearing a skirt so (*smiling*)...I just went for it.
Yeah, it felt sexy.... my legs were up on the seat all over the place in this really ..ungainly position....
God! Did you orgasm??
Yeah, it didn't take me very long, about five minutes. But the really weird thing is I had literally just pulled my skirt back down and got my book out of my bag when the ticket collector came into the carriage!
Oh my god!
That would have been so embarrassing!! Can you imagine his face?
Actually, what are we talking about? It would have made his fucking night!