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I Fully Desire What I Already Have

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I Fully Desire What I Already Have by happysam72@hotmail.com (happysam72@hotmail.com)SO I've had somewhat of a love/hate relationship with masturbation over these nearly 20 years. I first tried it one night after hearing friends at school make fun of someone for admitting to do it. I was either 11 or 12, and I tried it alone in my room that very night. Though it wasn't pure sperm that came out, it was milky pre-cum at least, and it surprised the hell out of me. After that, I'd excuse myself from class at school and do it in the bathroom, at my friend's house when I slept over, in the bunk-bed at summer camp. But I never dared to let anyone know, and it became a cause of shame for me. After my grandmother died, I was even scared to do it for fear that she would see me do it from up in heaven.These sessions seem to be devoid of fantasy, but that changed in high school, and I was 14 surrounded by full-grown men and women, or so I thought. As a kid, I always desperately wanted to be a "grown-up," and now it seemed more urgent. Even boys my age could grow full beards and had large, muscular bodies. So now when I masturbated, my thoughts turned to them. I'd flip through the yearbook and pick out the football players, thick-neck types, and imagine them naked, fucking girls, or even playing with each other. These guys were assholes and bullies in reality, but it was their sexual maturity I admired, and wished I could myself be like that: large prick, big package, hairy chest, beard stubble, etc. So sexual fantasies would sometimes involve a kind of sexual vampirism - I'd assume their bodies, or have complete control over them, make them do what I myself wanted to do. As far as masturbation technique, pretty straight-forward fisting jerk at this age, sometimes looking at men in magazines, trying to find the most masculine, hairy, thick-bodied.Throughout college, when I had girlfriends, I never (I think) masturbated, nor would I think of men. Though when I wasn't getting any, again I'd think of the big guys I'd seen around. It got weird when my best friend fit the bill - big and thick, a little fat, and a big package. For the longest time I wouldn't allow myself to fantasize about him, but when I finally gave in, it began to get uncomfortable. Something changes, probably the way I related to him. We're still good friends, but I wonder if he ever thought I thought about him in that way.After college I discovered the internet, such an easy way to look at the naked men I had always fantasized about, and always wanted to be. This was also a sexual awakening in general, I was learning how to have REALLY good sex with two successive girlfriends, and when single, I was experimenting with masturbation. Different strokes, lubes, cumming in my mouth, tried things up my butt, in my mouth, cumming without touching my dick, cumming while doing pull-ups (anyone else get that feeling?). The internet really got addictive though (it still can be), and those hairy "bear" types sure got my blood pumping more than girls. And since I didn't want to be "gay," these fantasies were something I kept deep down inside me, frequently inducing guilt and denial. . Last year I turned 30, and I decided it was not healthy constantly repressing these feelings. I felt at this milestone I should bring out the one main thing I'd kept hidden inside me - fantasizing about men - and just see if I would like it. Instead of wanking in my room alone, I decided to find a friend on the internet to experiment with. Though it wasn't the first time for him, I actually seemed more experienced! After all those years of imagining what another man's dick must feel like in my hands, in my mouth, pressing on his chest, kissing and hugging him, feeling his beard stubble, holding his balls, etc, I finally got to do it, and I was quite good at it. And this guy's got a nice, beefy body, larger balls and thicker cock, though I'm longer than him. I like it, and it's been liberating, however I think I enjoy sex with girls a little more. I just can't get into fucking a man's ass. Also, men and women just seem to "fit" better. Funny thing is too, I'm still more adept at working my penis than he is. I guess that's just common sense, and I'm sure there are plenty of highly skilled gay men out there. Or maybe it's the solitude of masturbation that allows my imagination to take over. Whether I'm looking at a picture or not, I've got a strong fantasy life that takes me to another realm, and I can prolong it for a long time by myself, know when to slow and stop, know when that one little brush could send me reeling.So, I tried to keep my story not so psychological, explaining my big spiritual/sexual debate, didn't want to bring you wankers down. But it's all true, at least. Bottom line for me: I think it's normal to like men and women, and your own dick; repression is harmful, but likewise, excessive fantasy and desire can also be harmful. But everyone's got their own lives to lead, and just be true to yourself. But for some of us, it's hard to know which "self" you should be true to!!!

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