This is a really long story. I'm writing it mostly to help anyone that grew up in an environment like I did. This isn't a story you'll get off on, but it's worth reading if you're having difficulty overcoming the guilt factors associated with masturbation. It's not really a happy story, but it's honest.
I grew up in a sheltered family. Sex was very much taboo. My parents would turn the channel if nudity or some sexual situation of some kind would appear in a movie. Needless to say, this was not only irritating, but also frustrating as hell.
In grade school, the other kids my age had all seen a ton of movies I wasn't allowed to see. After puberty hit, a bunch of my friends had all experimented with girls in my class. I would overhear them talking to each other about it and I'd see them grab each other, things like that.
I felt left out, an outcast. I was taught that sex was bad in all forms, yet my friends seemed to be having fun. As a result of my upbringing, I never actually touched myself until I was late into my high school years.
From puberty age onward, kids at school had always made jokes about 'beating off' and masturbating. Something like that was always said as an insult towards another. It was always about guys also. No one ever made comments about girls doing anything.
I really didn't have a clue as to what they were talking about, but I got the impression that it was something that the mentally ill did. That's the kind of stigma that went along with it in my mind.
Being sheltered, I didn't know any better. I would get erections at night and sometimes grind against my matress while thinking about girls I liked from school a little before I went to sleep. Sometimes I'd even scratch myself a little (over top of my underwear, never inside) for a tiny bit of relief from the strain.
I had a couple of wet dreams now and then when I was growing up. I enjoyed the feeling, but hated the mess. I found that just letting it dry on its own was much easier than trying to sneak into the bathroom in the middle of the night and wipe myself off with wads of toilet paper. Taking a shower in the morning and just washing myself was much simpler. Even though I enjoyed the feeling of it, I felt horribly ashamed even though I hadn't done anything intentionally to cause it to happen.
By the time I realized what masturbation really was, at least male masturbation, I was so 'programmed' into thinking it was evil that I wouldn't even try it.
Add to this the story of a couple of brothers that went to my school, and I was deathly afraid to. The story was that one brother caught the other watching the Playboy Channel on TV then realized his brother was masturbating to the images on the screen. The brother came to school and told everyone about it.
The guy was given a tons of really bad nicknames for the rest of his school days. I have a feeling that people probably still make fun of him for that even though this happened a couple of decades ago.
Not long after this guy got caught, he caught his brother doing the same damn thing. Well needless to say, that brother got even. So basically the two of them were looked at by everyone as chronic masturbators. Many people acted like there was something wrong with their family.
I didn't want to end up like them, so I refrained from doing pretty much anything to myself for a very long time. Who wants to end up a laughing stock for the whole town to make fun of?
At the time, there was no Internet and no websites like this. As far as I knew back then, those two brothers were an exception to the rule. I thought they were crazy and that they were the only two people in town that ever had masturbated.
Being sheltered and hearing all the misinformation about sex (one kid told me that men and women have intercourse in trees; he actually believed that to be true at the time even though my naive self didn't believe him), what else was I supposed to think?
As you can imagine, my adolescence and teenage years were pretty much torture. A girl could smile at me and I'd get an erection back then. It didn't help that I could watch any movie I wanted at my friend's house. A mere flash of a breast in a movie had me aching hard.
My friend also had some porno magazines that he had gotten somehow back then. We used to look at them and I thought they were the most amazing thing in the world: women naked, spread, showing everything.
For me, however, there was no release, no relief from the multiple daily arousals. I'd have to pee most of the time to get my erections to go down.
Occasionally, as I got older, I started stroking myself a little at night before I went to sleep. My fear, guilt, etc. would get the best of me, and, even though I liked the way it felt, I would stop almost immediately. This only made things worse.
I figured if I didn't go through with it all the way (by now I had heard about male orgasms), I wasn't actually doing 'it.' I'd go to sleep unsatisfied every night.
I'm not sure what caused me to, but one night I decided just to go through with it. I was lying in bed, aroused, and I reached inside my boxers. I was, if I remember correctly, about 17 at the time.
I was curious about what would happen if I stroked longer than I usually did. I wrapped my hand around my shaft and started pumping up and down. It felt nice, as it had previously.
I kept going and after a while it started feeling better and better. And then something happened...
As I was pumping, I felt the urge to pee. Fearing I would pee my bed and myself (not something you want to do at 17 years of age), I stopped.
Now, I've seen someone complain in the Comments section of this site about people saying this. I will explain for sake of clarity.
Now that I am familiar with the feeling of an orgasm approaching, I can tell the difference between that and the urge to pee. The two urges are similar in feel and place, but distinctly different.
Having never had an orgasm before the sensation to pee was the only feeling I had experienced in that part of my body (near the tip of my penis). Because I had awakened after my wet-dream-induced orgasms had started (on the occasions that I had them), I had never known what the feeling leading up to an orgasm was like.
Because of my unfamiliarity with cummimg, I really thought this was the urge to pee sneaking up on me. Seeing as I had peed many times to get my erections to go down, I figured this was my body acting normally figuring I was going to pee to make it go away again so it was helping me.
After the urge subsided, I tried stroking again and the urge came back. Scared once again, I stopped. It subsided and I tried again with the same result.
By this timeI wondered if I was wrong in my assumption, but I didn't want to take a chance of peeing myself and my bed. I decided to do the next best thing, and I got up and walked into the bathroom.
I lifted the seat of the toilet and stood over it dropping my underwear around my ankles. I figured it it really was pee, I could just try to aim it into the bowl. If it wasn't that urge, then at least I wouldn't have to stop.
I started pumping again, and not long after I felt the urge grow and my erection stiffened more (which didn't seem possible at the time). Then it let loose-throbbing, pumping, and covering my hand with warm sticky goo. I continued going at it while I was cumming.
Most of it splashed into the bowl, but quite a bit covered my hand and ran down into my pubic hair and balls. I must have throbbed for a good 3-4 minutes. Years of torment had finally been released.
Fearing I might get caught, I tried to clean up as quietly as possible.
I decided since it was so messy that most of the time, unless I made some plans (clean up solutions) to play in my bedroom, that I would just use the shower.
I tended to feel guilty about it, sometimes moreso than others. My upbringing and environment had that unfortunate effect .
It also had the effect of me feeling guilty for fantasizing about girls I knew. So I'd end up jacking off to pictures in magazines (or the stories in them). I would never think about anyone I knew personally.
There was someone who was an exception to that rule. I met her when I was about 19; she was a friend of a friend. We used to talk on the phone a lot since she lived out in the country and was bored always.
We just talked about normal stuff at first, but occasionally we'd make a dirty joke or something.
One night kinda changed things. I'm not sure how we got on the subject, but we started talking about sex. I remembered reading something in one of the porno magazines I had and told her I wanted to read it to her.
I got it out and read whatever it was, and then jokingly asked her if she wanted me to read her a 'bedtime story.'
She knew that those magazines had stories in them about sex encounters and stuff, and I think more out of curiousity than anything else she asked me to read her one.
I picked out one that I liked and read it to her. I liked it because the guy in the story sounded a little like me (for reasons I won't go into). I'm pretty sure she realized that too.
When I finished reading it, she was panting and saying, 'Oh boy! Oh boy!' She really enjoyed it. I could tell she was very turned on. I was also at this point.
For a while, I would read her a story pretty much every night. She seemed to enjoy them, but liked the first one I read her the most. I read that to her quite a few times.
We also started talking a lot more about sex. She admitted to me that it made her horny when I read her the stories or we talked about stuff, but she claimed she never masturbated or touched herself.
To be honest, I have never figured out if that was true or not. Seeing as I abstained for so long, I can't say that she didn't also. Guilt and peer pressure can have a strong effect on people.
Around this time, maybe due to being so horny all the time from our conversations, she started dating a guy that lived near her.
It didn't take them long to start going crazy with each other. Since we were close friends by this time (probably a couple years after we had first met), she told me everything the two of them did...every detail
Needless to say, this made me horny as could be. If I wasn't making her horny with stories or my teasing, she was making me horny with stories about pouncing her boyfriend.
The two of us were constantly horny, but there was one odd thing about it. Even though I'd ask her if she was horny, she'd never ask me if I was... not once did she ever ask.
The oddest part of that was that she for some reason assumed that I never got horny. She actually said this to me once.
Seeing as I still was somewhat repressed sexually from my upbringing, I never admitted to her that I was horny. I did get great delight in teasing her though and she both loved and was frustrated by it.
She told me it was unfair that I could get her horny so easily and that she couldn't do anything to get me back.
I loved the feeling of power and I loved that she would try to get me horny and keep trying harder because she didn't think she was succeeding. There was part of me though that wished I could just admit it to her.
During this time, I fantasized a lot about her. She was usually the source of my arousal. When I wasn't on the phone with her, I'd jump in the shower for a good stroke and imagine it was her that was getting me off. I even taped her picture within view of the shower sometimes. She had a mischievous grin in the picture. and it got me off knowing what she was like and seeing that grin.
She was actually the first girl that I actively fantasized about while masturbating. I still kind of have a hang up about fantasizing about a girl I know while doing it. For some reason it feels like I'm betraying her somehow.
Since I knew my friend wanted to make me horny, it never really felt like a betrayal. She probably would have been flattered to know, but probably would have told everyone she knew also. That was a big part of the reason I never told her.
I started learning more about sex in various ways. Around this time there were TV shows about sex where people would openly talk about all aspects of it.
I also started listening to what others had to say and talked to a lot of women friends and girlfriends about how they felt.
Talking to guys about sex is kinda pointless. They usually just act like it's a conquest that they won or talk about how much they've humiliated a girl. Whether they actually do that stuff or if it's just some macho image they are trying to keep up with, I have no idea.
By the time I got on the Internet for the first time, I was a lot more knowledgeable about sex. I found myself knowing the answers to questions that people would ask on those shows I mentioned before. I caught on quick once I got some honest information.
However, there was still something that nagged at me. I still felt like I was the only person that ever masturbated actively. Guys certainly never admitted it, and I ended up somehow believing that it was very rare that women ever did. To be honest, I'm not sure how that never got resolved in my head by that time. Someone initially helped me understand that.
I was online playing a quiz-type game that had a real-time competition. Basically anyone that logged on would compete to be the first to be correct. You'd get points based on how quickly you answered. It was fun and was a good first experience at what the Internet could really do.
The quiz game also gave participants the ability to chat with their opponents. Being a smartass, I joked around with the other players. There was one in particular named Tess (not her real name) that was fun to joke with and pick on.
She was a smartass too. We joked around and flirted a little. She got mad that I kept beating her and I would tease her about it. I asked her if she wanted to just chat instead of playing the game, since by this time I was having more fun chatting with her.
She told me she would if I let her win. At this point I didn't really care one way or the other about winning, and I purposely answered wrong and let her win.
After she realized I had done it on purpose, she told me a chatroom for me to visit. I created a name and after jumping through a bunch of hoops, I finally met up with her.
We talked a little bit and she got much more flirty. It was a HTML based chat which meant that every so often I'd have to click a button to check to see if she had said anything. The button would reload the page and I'd be able to see any new messages.
This also allowed her to post images along with her text. As soon as we got started chatting, she started posting pics of people having sex or animated gif images of girls with bouncy breasts and stuff.
She got noticably more agressive and started asking if I liked the pictures and such, and she pretty much took over the conversation. This was something I wasn't used to since I was usually the flirty one and in control.
She kept posting picture after picture, and she told me she liked the pictures too. She said she likes looking at people having sex or watching porno movies while she gets off with her vibrator.
No one had ever admitted masturbating to me, and I figured she was an exception to the rule. Then I questioned if she was being honest or if she was just saying that to get me to admit something embarassing when I saw her next message: 'Tell me something... when was the last time you jacked off?'
I was stunned and didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie to her, and I didn't want to admit it either. I thought about leaving and I saw her next message: 'Come on, I know you do it.'
How could she possibly know what I did? I felt like she was trying to trick me or trap me. The stigma that went along with masturbation was too big. I was afraid if I answered her, she'd make fun of me and that I'd be too embarrassed to enjoy it any more.
Oddly, at the same time, there was part of me that really wanted to admit it, even if it was anonymously. I was tired of hiding it and tired of being ashamed. I almost left without answering. I debated for a good minute or so. I typed a message. I almost erased it. I got the nerve to send it: 'Yesterday afternoon...in the shower'
As soon as I hit send, pretty much all my blood rushed down between my legs. It was instantly, fully hard and it felt great. However, I was nervous about her reaction now. It showed up:'Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I like knowing that'
Then she told me she enjoyed getting guys to jack off for her in chat rooms and told me she wanted me to do it for her.
The bad thing about it was that I was at a relative's house at the time. I couldn't take a chance since they kept coming in occasionally to ask how I was doing. She teased me relentlessly and kept begging, which only made me hornier. I was aching hard, but I couldn't do anything about it though; there wasn't any way to.
I invested in a computer not long after that. I saw her a few times and she teased me like crazy, but it was always at times when my roommates were around. She drove me crazy, but I'm glad she wasn't shy. She got married not long after that. She got me to realize a few things though.
I realized that a lot more people masturbate than I had believed growing up. I also realized that it's less common for someone to not masturbate at all. I realized that a lot of women masturbate, and a lot more often than one would expect coming from a sheltered youth.
Over the years I've dealt on and off with the guilt. I sometimes still feel guilty even now. I still find it very difficult to fantasize about a woman I know while masturbating.
It's different if she tells me she wants me to think about her while I get off, which I love hearing, but for some reason it's almost impossible for me to overcome that hurdle without hearing those words from her.
Even though I've read that there's nothing in the Bible that forbids masturbation, I still (at times) feel like I'm doing something wrong. I am trying to work through that even now.
Anyway, I wrote this to let you know if you're a guy or a girl who's dealing with guilt or other negativity regarding masturbation, try not to let it get to you.
You're not alone. Most people in this world are getting themselves off, some of them a lot more than others. As far as it being wrong, who says it's wrong? And why are they telling you that is it? Is it their fears, shame, guilt, etc. that they are projecting on you?
Don't let other people spoil your fun, and certainly don't let it spoil your fun as long as I let it spoil mine. I missed a lot of years of fun and there are times I don't enjoy it as much as I should because of the negative feelings. Don't be like me. Enjoy yourselves instead.
I hope all this typing helps you in your lives.