May help some to share
I have been reading the stories here for the last few months and exploring the archives. There is something from my early teenage years that I feel confused about. I'm confused in that I enjoyed what I did and still think about it and masturbate about it but I also feel guilty and know that my family and close friends would be horrified if they knew. My story is in some ways similar to others I have read here and maybe it will help me to post it.
I come from a large family and I'm now in my late 50's. I had two older brothers and two older sisters and younger brothers and sisters also. I shared a small room with my older sisters but they moved away from home when I was older. My mother asked me to share my room with a brother who was younger than me by four years.
At the time he suffered from nightmares from time to time. He found it hard to go to sleep and would see monsters in the corners. I liked him and got on well with him. We each had a bed but when he was restless I got into the practice of getting into bed with him and cuddling him. He would be facing away from me and I would hold him from behind. After a few months he got more settled at bedtime but I still continued to get into bed with him because I liked the feel of him against me.
I don't remember when it started or why but I began to put my hand over him and feel down his front. He usually wore pyjamas which had an opening in the front and I would feel his penis through that. I don't think I ever admitted to myself what I was doing but I know I liked doing it, just gently twirling it in my fingers. He never said anything, if he had I would have stopped immediately.
At that time I had developed sexually and while my boobs were growing they weren't big or anything but I was aware of them. Sometimes when I was touching my brother I would touch one of my boobs with the other hand and it felt sexually exciting. Later I began to touch myself down below as well. I never did it to orgasm, it was just a nice feeling although something I would never talk about to anybody.
Later again I began to imagine it was not my brother I was touching but a boy in school that I liked and that would give me an even stronger feeling. That was when I really began to masturbate. I would begin by touching my brother, then when he was asleep I would go back to my own bed and I would finish myself off but keeping very quiet.
At that stage my mother felt I was getting too old to share with my brother. Even though I protested that I liked sharing with him she moved him out and I had to share with a younger sister.
I never said anything but I missed being able to play with his penis but I compensated by playing more with myself, especially before going to sleep. I still got on very well with my brother but never had the chance to touch him again. The only thing that happened was that I saw him a few times taking a pee and I have to confess that I did not look away immediately as I should have done but had a good glance at his penis.
In recent years I began to feel guilty and wonder about what I did. As I said earlier when I remember it still gives me a sexual thrill but it's only here I would admit that. My brother has always been good to me and has never said anything to me about those experiences.