I recently wrote a piece called Drinking From Her Hand. The central experience was drinking my semen from the hand of a friend. I want to talk a little more about doing this, addressing my comments to men who repeatedly experience a familiar scenario. It goes like this. As excitement in masturbation builds, the desire to drink one's semen grows in intensity. It feels really good and like it's going to be the most natural thing in the world. Mmm, to cum down one's throat would be the best of all, the simultaneous passion of ejaculation and receiving the semen.
Before orgasm it can be the most profoundly erotic thought, the thirst for oneself just awesome in its beauty and power. It has pushed me and many men to orgasm many times, thinking of their thick, uniquely-scented cum flooding their mouth and that desire to swallow it. Then one surrenders, orgasm ripples or bursts, ejaculation happens, and the whole desire to drink the semen is gone, or seems to be gone. It can be replaced by a wide variety of emotions, from a kind of odd feeling to disgust to shame to even forgetting the intial desire, of course, till one masturbates again, and there it is again.
There one is, cum all over one's belly or even pooled in your hand, and nothing happens. And I think the feeling resides as a well of latent, unresolved need that can go for years without being fulfilled.
I would add this. Even when one can drink one's own semen but the feeling is not as beautiful as he thought it would be before orgasm, this can be disappointing. I would say the best experience possible would be to drink with all the need and desire and honesty that was so clear before ejaculating. Because it IS so beautiful. You know you need it.
Learning to drink my semen has been one of the most deeply necessary and fulfilling experiences I've ever had. I would say the journey has gone on for about 20 years, since I was a teenager, and it's not over. I'll have more to say about this, but mostly I want to say to men: keep at it. Learn to love yourself this way. And if you think you need it, ask for help, you'll be glad you did. Admitting this desire to another human being will be really comforting and it will only heat up your desire for yourself.
I have learned to drink myself deeply mostly in the presence of women. I've had many breakthrough experiences of masturbation with men, but somehow initially I was never brave enough to admit this desire to them, to the men who were initiating me sexually. I have always found it much easier to admit to women. Today, my feeling is that this would be a profoundly beautiful ritual to share among men, and I'll get there soon.
As for experiences with women. In the Drinking From Her Hand post, I wanted to give an example of how beautiful this is when the experience comes full circle, pardon the pun. It was beautiful to contact my desire in her presence, and then to admit it. At this point, another person's love and energy is fully engaged. And I've admitted something that -- while it's obviously no secret in my life -- is deeply personal and a moment of true intimacy. This is a really fine setup. I say the more conscious the better, the more verbal the better, the more eye contact the better. Admit it so you can't go back. Admit it so you hear yourself and get used to it and love yourself for feeling the desire and saying the words.
I have found that being penetrated, that is, ass-fucked with a dildo, really helps a lot for some reason. Orgasm is deeper, my ejaculation is more full, and somehow the energy of orgasm lasts longer. The idea is to somehow avoid that crashing feeling that comes after orgasm, which is really healthy on its own. Penetration can help because the feeling is so strong and full.
But the most helpful way I've found to do that is, in a sense, to borrow my partner's awareness and let that take me across the space within myself.
I have had the experience, one of the hottest, of watching a couple make love, and then I masturbated to orgasm and drank my semen in front of them. I can't tell you how beautiful this was, to display my self-fulfillment in front of two people, a man and a woman, who had just fulfilled one another, studying me as I made love to myself fully. I can't describe how humbling and, I don't have the words, other-worldly, transformative, deeply revealing, self-healing, offering myself to them all at once. I would do this any time, with loving people. It would be the most beautiful if I were in love with the woman, and had watched her be made love to.
On one occasion, a number of men and women adults of different ages were watching me. Facing them, I ejaculated into my hand. I said the words, 'This is my semen,' and then, without a second thought, I drank it as they watched. I can feel how beautiful this was for everyone there, my then-lover was present and described a kind of wave of stunned surprise ripple through the room; few people have ever seen this. It was truly a moment of loving myself.
Which is the whole idea. You just need to love yourself and love your semen, smell it and taste and drink, and sometimes this is easier if there's someone there loving you, and affirming your need and your desire. I think in this space, there is so, so deep one can go.
With the women who have seen me do this, I can experience a really beautiful sense of self-acceptance because I know they really know this about me. I would love to hear them talk about their experiences with one another. Maybe that will happen.
One of my dearest erotic wishes is to initiate a man into this depth of self-pleasure. I want to talk about his desire to drink himself with him as his excitement builds, and admit my own feelings to him. If he wants me to show him first, I would gladly do that, strip for him and and look in his eyes through the experience, show him how easy and natural it is, masturbating intently to climax, and show him my filled mouth before I swallow. I know how erotic this would be, how this would just revv his desire for himself, and I would be into that, I would be there to celebrate his desire for himself.
I would talk, or be silent as he masturbated, as he wished. I want to allow him a space to draw out the subtle feelings and to share his true need in the moment he feels it. I want to feel him feel his need and I want to tell him it's really really good that he does.
I want to feel his decision to surrender, and I want him to feel my love and the joy of my witnessing the expression of orgasm in his eyes and on his face. I want to let him ejaculate in my hand as I tell him how beautiful he is, feeling the bursts of liquid gathering in a pool, and then I want to give him his semen to drink from my hand, helping him remember if he forgets, helping him feel the passion that will make it really, really good, encouraging him to enjoy and love himself. And I would be there to empathize with anything at all that he felt as he looked at me with his wet face having shown me something so personal and loving and free. I have never kissed a man. I am sure I could do so then.